Sky (skyblue_reverie) wrote,

Trek Fic: But Answer Came There None (To Talk of Many Things Part 46, Pike/McCoy, PG-13)

Title: But answer came there none (Part 46 of To Talk of Many Things)
Author: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: Around 3200
Summary: The continuing correspondence of... yeah, you know the drill.
A/N: from skyblue_reverie and mga1999: We were both massively brain-dead from exhaustion when we finished this up, so please forgive any glaring errors.

Click on the gorgeous banner by the awesome fanarts_series for series masterlist with links to all prior parts:

Personal Journal of Christopher R. McCoy Pike
Friday 2260.319

I feel like I’m losing my mind again. This time over the comm I got from Richard last week. You know when it comes through Priority Alpha that it’s not good news. But most of the time it’s a change in orders. Or the notification of a death of a family member of someone on board. Or in this case, that the ship my husband is on is missing in the Neutral Zone.

I haven’t been without a PADD in my hand since, anxiously waiting word. I know Len is alive because of our rings. I cannot fathom what shape I’d be in if we didn’t have these. Of course seeing it cycle though the colors that I know mean dire situations, stress, and worry – Well, let’s just say that it’s not helping my already elevated blood pressure. Add into the fact that it goes black whenever he has to remove it for surgery and those hours – Well, they aren’t very fun. I’ll admit I’ve had it turned so I can’t see the stone, and I settle for just being able to run my thumb across the stone. Somehow that has always made me feel closer to him.

I’m not sure what else to say right now. I’ve sat here every day for a week and haven’t been able to write anything. All I can think about is Len and yes, I’m even thinking about Jim and what if something happens to them?

Adapting to my new diet and regimen is harder than I thought it would be. I know I’m not being as cooperative as I should be either. Half the time I don’t even believe the words coming out of my mouth, but I can’t seem to stop it. Philip has been understanding so far – He knew what he was getting himself into. I know he’s getting close to his breaking point though and I need to snap out of this. Given the current situation though – The waiting. God, I’m such a selfish asshole.

Philip has enough to worry about. His marriage is over. I haven’t even begun to come to grips with that. I think what’s bothering me the most is that he seems indifferent to it and the fact that Allen is already seeing someone. I guess it reminds me of how I felt and acted during my divorce from Lisa. I guess I just expected more – They’ve been together for thirty four years. Married for thirty two. How does it get so bad that after all that time – I just don’t understand. It scares me if I’m going to be brutally honest here. If they couldn’t make it, so well suited for each other, and together so long, what does that mean for Len and I, who, to borrow Jim’s favorite word, are a giant clusterfuck of problems and issues.

My mother and grandmother are comming me daily with questions and suggestions for the wedding and frankly I’m about ready to tell them we already got married so it will stop. I already told both of them that it didn’t matter to me. Someone told me once when I was younger that a wedding was really more for family and friends than those getting married. I didn’t believe or understand that at the time, but maybe I do now. To me, the way Len and I got married was perfect. It was just us. Yes, I’m still adjusting to the knowledge that I’m married. Watching Philip flirt with people on the ship now -- flirt -- is certainly not helping.

God, one minute I’m ‘What was I thinking?’ marrying someone in Starfleet and then next I’m so damn happy that I married him on shore leave – Well, in case something happens. His ring is black again. Means he's not wearing it, or else - well, I'm not even going to think about that. It's been black for four hours now. I know some surgeries can take a long time – Hell, he worked on me for almost thirty hours after Narada. I know this and I am arrogant enough to believe that if something truly happened to him that I’d know. I’d just know. But the truth is, and fuck this is hard to admit, I’m not sure I would.

I’ve never needed to go for a run so badly. But I am restricted. I guess I’d better go swim laps. It’s going to be a long night until the color on the ring changes. If it changes.


To: Christopher Pike (
From: Richard Barnett (
Date Sent: Sunday 2260.321

Priority One Alpha - Eyes Only

Dear Chris,

Enterprise made contact at 0100 this morning and all is well crew wise and ship wise. I’ve been in meetings ever since contact was received. Your boy Kirk is in trouble, Chris. I will do all I can, but I’m not sure if we’ve secured enough support for him if it comes down to a vote.

I’ll forward any reports I receive as soon as they are read into record. I’m sure you’ll be hearing from them soon.

Take care of yourself,


To: Christopher Pike (
From: James Kirk (
Date Sent: Sunday 2260.321

Dear Chris,

First of all, we’re fine. We’re all okay. Bones is sitting right next to me, he actually hasn’t let me out of his sight since he released me from medical bay a couple of hours ago. He’s working on the medical reports and I’m sure he’ll be writing you as soon as he’s done. Starfleet is just on our ass about getting them all sent immediately. Lucky me gets to have a vidcomm with the Admirals in a couple hours for the Spanish Inquisition I’m sure. Bones isn’t happy about it, doesn’t think I’m up to it, but if I’m going down, I want to get it over with.

You’ll get a copy of the official report that Spock has compiled from the last two weeks, but the gist is this: Starfleet wouldn’t authorize a comm pod to confirm what I suspected. I took Enterprise as close to the edge of the neutral zone as regs allow. What I did do and it's one of two things that I know I’m going to pay for, was cut off all communication arrays and all unnecessary power before I got there so we could be undetected for as long as possible. Even Spock couldn’t argue the logic. We knew they were there. And the they ended up being four Romulan Warbirds.

My only mistake was hesitating to engage them sooner. They were able to destroy one of the six cargo ships, and severely damage another. They never fired on the Enterprise, and as you know, we’re under orders not to fire or engage unless fired upon. But I couldn’t just sit there helpless after the first ship was destroyed. So I entered the neutral zone and engaged. We took out one, heavily damaged two, and the fourth self-destructed along with the damaged two after refusing to surrender and retreat.

Then there was my biggest mistake, and for this, I have no excuses. I knew better… I beamed to one of the damaged cargo ships with a medical team, security force, engineers, and disaster pods to assist in any way we could. We found out that not only were they cargo ships, but a couple had refugees on board and when I heard that… Well, I’ll just say it. They were rescued from a famine stricken planet where hundreds had perished. Bones didn’t know this when I left, he stayed behind to ready medical bay for incoming.

Even though I had communications constantly scanning and Enterprise was still on red alert, we still missed a fifth cloaked ship. It de-cloaked and went after the cargo ship I was on. They knew I was there. Or at least they knew an Enterprise team was there and they took advantage. I was on the bridge of the cargo ship when they de-cloaked and fired, and the next thing I remember is waking up in medical bay this morning. The ship I was on was destroyed within minutes of me being transported out. Our away teams were safely beamed aboard, and we were able to get about thirty-five souls off the ship before the rest perished. Over four hundred of them. I’m sick to my stomach just typing this and from the look Bones keeps giving me, I think he’s about ready to sedate me until I face the firing squad.

Miraculously, we didn’t lose anyone on the Enterprise. The Romulans never fired on us, not even the fifth one. They destroyed the cargo ship, and after the Enterprise knocked out its reactor, it self-destructed like the others. What a fucking waste. I will never understand the ‘honor’ of that.

I haven’t had much time to think about everything. I’m still groggy and in pain, but I’m okay. I just finished reading the report Spock submitted, but I don’t regret anything I did. If they hang me out to dry for this… I’m ready to face it. I don’t really know what I could have done differently. Starfleet wouldn’t listen and I couldn’t just let all those ships be destroyed, which totally would have happened if we hadn’t been there. Six ships. Tons of cargo. 1500 souls in total. What was I supposed to do?

Speaking of pain, your husband just growled at me that I better not be just telling you I’m ‘fine’ or I wouldn’t need to worry about the vidcomm with the Admirals and their firing squad 'cause it would be him doing the firing. Of course I answered that then he’d just have to fix me up again and ruin the seven hours of surgery... Shit, the look he just gave me and words mumbled under his breath. Fuck, he’s grouchy. Anyway, he told me he wasn’t going to be the one to give you the post mortem of my injuries this time and to give it to you straight and he just stomped back off to Medical Bay. I’m glad actually. He’s been hovering all day, and I get it, I really do, but it just makes me feel worse to know how much I’ve worried him again.

As I said I was on the bridge when the Romulans attacked. It was a direct hit. Over half of the bridge crew perished. To put it mildly, I got blown up. Tossed across the bridge into a panel twenty feet away. Brain bleed, broken bones, burns... I did a first rate job of giving Bones a heart attack again. Yeah, he spent seven hours getting me back together and I was out for a day and woke up this morning and fuck I still hurt all over. Don’t tell Bones that, okay? I still need some more skin grafts and regeneration on my arm and back, but Bones said I’ll be good as new in a week. Physically anyway.

Shit. I don’t know, Chris. I’m sorry if you are disappointed in me, but I really thought I was doing the right thing. I need to sign off and rest before my vidcomm. Bones and Spock are going to be present, so I’m sure he will fill you in if they have me thrown into the brig after.


To: Christopher Pike (
From: Leonard McCoy (
Date Sent: Sunday 2260.321

Dear Chris,

I'm fine. Really, I promise. I know you're panicking right now, so I just wanted to send you a comm to let you know everything's okay. Well, sort of okay. Okay with me anyway.

Sorry to be cryptic but I've got to go. My sickbay's overflowing and I've got to keep an eye on Jim as well - he's off active duty and at loose ends and you know how he gets when that happens. I'll write more later.

I love you.


Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy
Sunday 2260.321

Well, shit. Another day, another disaster. This time Jim's in trouble, and I really don't know what's going to happen. He could lose his command over this.

He's in his quarters now, getting ready for a vid conference with some of the Admirals. Me and Spock apparently are going to sit in - I'm not sure why. Moral support for Jim? Witnesses for when they crucify him? Well, hopefully I'm exaggerating. Still, they're gonna be out for blood - at least some of them are. Jim's always been a lightning rod and this is no exception.

I don't even know if what he did was the right decision. I haven't told him that, of course, but... Well, I just hope he didn't kick off a war with the Romulans. God knows how many lives would be destroyed if that happened.

Jim seems pretty confident, though, that the Empire will deny all involvement and claim that this was just a few rogue pirates. I just hope he's right. Spock did back him, and much as I can't stand the sanctimonious asshole, he's cautious to the point of being lily-livered when it comes to breaking rules, so if he agreed to Jim's crazy plan, well, I gotta hope that means something.

Then, of course, there's what this is going to do to Chris. I know he was having second thoughts about our marriage, and then with Philip and Allen splitting all those doubts would be doubled, and now... well, I'm sure Chris was worried when we dropped out of communication. Jim wouldn't let me send a warning comm to Chris - said if it was intercepted it would ruin the element of surprise. I know he was right, but damn it, I can't stand that Chris went through that worry and that I let it happen when I could have done something to prevent it.

Anyway, my point was that he's going to be absolutely going crazy right now, and I half expect him to decide that the solution to all his problems is to be rid of me altogether. He wouldn't have to worry about me, wouldn't have to worry about our relationship... from his perspective life would be a hell of a lot easier without me around.

Maybe it won't turn out like I think, and hell, I know I shouldn't borrow trouble - there's no point worrying about it right now. But I can't help it. Don't think there's anything I could do or say that would make a bit of damn difference to Chris's decision anyway - these are demons he's got to conquer himself. If I somehow sweet-talked or bullied him into staying with me, it wouldn't end well. We'd end up hating each other, most likely. I'd rather let him go than risk that.

And anyway Jim's going to need all my emotional support, such as it is, for the foreseeable future. Because of the famine survivors we rescued, I mean - the shape they were in when they beamed aboard. Shit, it was horrific. Got most of 'em in sickbay now, we're doing all we can to pull them through, but I don't think we'll be able to save them all.

I know this has been bringing up the specter of Tarsus IV for Jim, and that makes this all the more personal for him. Neither of us talked about it, but then we've never needed to discuss shit like that. We both knew that with his history this was going to be an issue.

For now he's holding it together, but I don't know how long that'll last. Suppose it depends partly on how this vid conference goes. Speaking of which, I'd better go get ready. Can't be late - gotta be there for Jim.

To: Christopher Pike (
From: Leonard McCoy (
Date Sent: Monday 2260.322

Dear Chris,

God, I feel wrung out. And it wasn't even me who was on the hot seat.

Sorry, backing up. I think Jim told you that he had to have a vidcomm with the brass. Well, me and Spock sat in on it - Spock, I get, he's second in command. Me, I got no clue why I was there; they never asked me a single damn question. Anyway, they chewed Jim up one side and down the other. Gotta hand it to him, he kept his cool, even though I could see it was touch and go there for a while.

I have to say it was impressive, Jim being all captainly and Spock smoothly interjecting every now and then to quote statistics about why Jim's decision was the only logical one. I was watching the faces of the admirals, seeing if I could figure out what they were thinking. Bunch of poker-faced bastards. I think Jim and Spock had some of them convinced by the end, but... I don't know if it'll be enough. They "adjourned" so they could "deliberate" about how to deal with the whole thing. What a bunch of horse's asses.

By now you've probably read the official reports, and I know Jim wrote to you too, so I won't rehash it. We were lucky, Chris. So goddamn lucky. One Federation ship, trying to defend six cargo ships against five Romulan warbirds? I can hardly believe we're still alive.

I think most all of the crew feels like that. Everyone's still on edge, like they don't really believe we got away clean, like five more Romulan ships are going to decloak around us at any second. Wouldn't surprise me too much, actually.

I miss you. God damn, times like this I just wish you were nearby so I could relax in your arms, have you tell me everything's going to be all right. Sounds foolish to put it down in words, but it's true.

I'm sorry to hear about Philip and Allen splitting. I know how much they mean to you, and I think I might have an inkling of what their relationship meant to you too. I mean, as proof that marriages can last, or something like that. So I'm guessing you're probably all tied up in knots about that right now. I don't know if there's anything I can do to help, but please, if there is, let me know. And if there's anything I can do to help Philip or Allen, let me know that too. Well, one thing I can do is tell you to take it easy on Philip. He's got to be hurting right now, even if he doesn't show it. And I know you, darlin', I know you well enough to know that right now you're chafing at the restrictions he's putting on you. I get why, I really do, but just... well, like I said, take it easy on him a little. If you can.

I gotta get back to sickbay - we're all pulling double shifts to try to cover the patient load. We're not equipped to handle the number of refugees we've got, but then we made do with less equipment, and more patients, after the Narada, so I suppose we'll muddle through somehow.

Take care of yourself, baby. I miss you so much it hurts.


On to the next part
Tags: fic: trek, pairing: pike/mccoy, series: to talk of many things
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