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17 October 2010 @ 09:28 am
Trek Fic: That They Could Get It Clear (Pike/McCoy, PG-13)  
Title: That They Could Get It Clear (Part 41 of To Talk of Many Things)
Authors: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: Around 3500
Summary: The correspondence and personal journals of Christopher Pike and Leonard McCoy.
A/N: From mga1999 and skyblue_reverie: DUDES. With this part, we've cleared 250,000 words. A QUARTER OF A MILLION WORDS. We... don't even know what to say about that.

Click on the gorgeous banner by the awesome fanarts_series for series masterlist with links to all prior parts:

To: Christopher Pike (cpike@starfleet.gov)
From: Leonard McCoy (lmccoy@starfleet.gov)
Date Sent: Sunday 2260.266

Dear Chris:

All right, now I do want to give you a swift kick in the ass. You say you're not depressed but then you tell me you're feeling worthless. Chris, that's one of the textbook symptoms of depression. It sure ain't a symptom of a cold or flu. Plus, depression causes sleep disturbances, and can further suppress your immune system, so it might be keeping you sick longer than you otherwise would have been. And, of course, a guy like you who's used to being physically well, when you're not in good health it can contribute to depression. It's all tangled up, and you can't just separate it out and say "it's not depression, it's a cold."

But fine, if you want to be in denial about it, there's nothing I can do to change your mind.

Tell you what, when you're done feeling sorry for yourself, and when you're done taking it out on me, why don't you write to me again and we can go from there.

I love you, and I'm not sending you packing, but seriously, Chris, enough is enough.

Hope I hear from you soon, but if not, I'll see you earthside, and we'll talk then.


To: Leonard McCoy (lmccoy@starfleet.gov)
From: Christopher Pike (cpike@starfleet.gov)
Date Sent: Wednesday 2260.269

Dear Len,

Look, when you can write to me as my lover, and not as a doctor, and stop lecturing me when you really have no idea -- Fuck, Len. When you can write to me as the man who loves me and understands that I'm simply sick and frustrated and hate feeling out of control -- Fuck.

Jesus Len, have you even read your comms? I'm trying my damndest to be honest and forthright and tell you what I'm feeling -- Which you know damn well I'm not good at, and you still don't get it. Maybe you don't want to get it. I don't know.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I didn't know that was so terrible. I've had fucking one medical problem after another the last two and a half years when I'd hardly been sick or injured a day in my life before that. No, I'm not taking it well. Would you?

When I said I felt worthless, I meant worthless to you. Jesus. I'm sure you'll have some psycho-babble to turn everything else I've said here against me too.

I guess enough is enough. I'll just go back to not talking about how I'm really feeling and just tell you how fine I am.


To: Leonard McCoy (lmccoy@starfleet.gov)
From: Christopher Pike (cpike@starfleet.gov)
Date Sent: Monday 2260.274

Dear Len,

I'm sorry. I figured I should get that out of the way first. I know it's not enough, and since I haven't heard from you -- I'm sorry.

My last comm was -- Fuck. I was so angry when I sent it. That anger carried me for a couple of days until I literally collapsed in my quarters on Saturday, scaring Rickie half to death. I was exhausted. I was dehydrated. I had a high fever again all day but worked anyway. Philip luckily kept it quiet and didn't make me go to medical, as he knew that would be worse for me in my current state. He treated me in my quarters, hooked me up to an IV for twenty four hours and -- Well, I'm sure you'll read the medical reports if you even still care.

I don't really know what to say right now. If you don't get on the charter and aren't at the engagement party -- Well, I would deserve it. I don't even know if you will get this in time and no, it's not a last ditch effort to try to convince you.

I've had a lot of time to think. I've still been 'working' despite not feeling any better. Resting doesn't change anything, so as long as I'm not any worse, Philip is letting me go about my day. The moment I get back to quarters, though, Philip is waiting, or there shortly thereafter with a hypo and that damn tricorder. I swear to God when I'm feeling better, I'm going to ban those damn things from my presence. If you think I'm kidding, then you don't know me very well.

Which brings up something I've been thinking about a lot while I've been staring at the ceiling in my quarters. I know you think you know me well, and you do know me more than anyone, but in some ways you really don't know me at all. Philip pointed out to me last night when we were talking. I'm an asshole, Len. I always have been. I'm not exactly a nice person. It's not like this is news to you, you'd heard the scuttlebutt. You knew what you were getting yourself into -- Well, I hope you did. I know we have both been caught up in -- I don't know, I guess you'd call it the throes of love. The rush. It's easy to be blind, I've heard. Never thought it was possible that I wouldn't be in control of my feelings. But with you -- Fuck Len, I just didn't have a choice. And that probably doesn't sound very good. I don't mean it like that. I hope you understand because I obviously still am a complete failure at this communicating thing.

When I try to express how I'm feeling and you still don't get what I mean to say -- I don't know what I'm supposed to do. There have been so many other things going on. I suppose some of our initial problems got lost in all of that. I don't know. I know we're better than we were or at least I want to believe that. The truth is, I fucking suck at this, Len. I've read 'relationship' books until my eyes glazed over. I've talked and talked to Dr. Rossen and I won't bring up -- Well, just forget the whole disaster with Dr. Elliott. And where has it all gotten me? The same damn place where I can't express myself in a way where you can understand what the hell I really mean.

Philip told me last night that you can't really change who you are and maybe he's right. Maybe I'll always be an abrupt, stoic asshole. He said it's all about adapting your expectations and perceptions. Of course he also told me it's not easy. Hell, he and Allen are having bigger problems than I knew about and they've been together forever. They seem committed to working through them, but fuck -- I'll admit it scares me to hear Philip talking about them separating for a while. Apparently that's what they may 'discuss' while he's earthside. He says they both want different things right now and haven't been able to work out a compromise. He doesn't seem that concerned, and that bothers me too. Apparently they separated early on for almost a year, when they couldn't agree about having kids. I guess that was their issue then. Allen wanted to wait, Philip wanted them sooner rather than later. They compromised and of course they were both thrilled to be parents and have a family. I never even knew any of this as I was in space during their separation. I asked Philip if he still loved Allen and he said of course he did. He said he'd always love him no matter whether they were together or not. I guess for awhile, Philip has wanted to adopt another kid or two and that's what they're arguing about. He seems to be past that now, but now he's planning on staying in space indefinitely. Allen was hoping Philip was done with space after this tour, but coming back on the Exeter with me has just reminded him how much he loves it.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. Maybe because -- Well, if you really can't change who you are, then what happens years down the road when you're fed up with the fact that I'm an asshole? And what happens down the road when you and Jim go off on shore leave together and I simply can't stand that fact anymore? What happens when you can't shut off being a doctor around me and just be Len?

The problem as I see it: Len is a doctor. A stubborn southern doctor. Just like Chris is an asshole egotistical Captain. Both of us, to the core. I've thought many times about your argument that we could never serve together and had half-convinced myself that you were just saying that because of Jim. Now, I can see the truth in your words. It doesn't mean I have to like it.

I feel like shit for what I said in my comms. I could blame it on being sick, I could blame it on a lot of things. The truth is, they were just me, Len. Just me. I was mad at the world and I took it out on the person closest to me -- You.

This is the part where I say I'm sorry again. This is the part where I say that I know you never are going to stop being a doctor. I know that you never are going to leave Jim behind.

This is the part where I say that I love you anyway and that we'll make it work. It's worth it. God, it's worth it, because as frustrated and angry as you make me, I can't imagine life without you. If I was feeling better, I might actually admit -- well, I think you know that it's somewhat a turn-on for me. Exactly how fucked up does that make me, Dr. McCoy?

Wait, don't answer that.

I love you, Len. I'm scared shitless about all of this, but when has that ever stopped me from getting what I want?

I'm sorry, Len. And I'm sorry for all the other times I'm going to screw up too. You deserve better, but fuck I'm glad you fell in love with me anyway.

I'll see you soon. I hope. God, if I've fucked this up. I'm so sorry.


To: Christopher Pike (cpike@starfleet.gov)
From: Leonard McCoy (lmccoy@starfleet.gov)
Date Sent: Monday 2260.274

Dear Chris:

Damn it, I'm sorry. I was an asshole, okay? I could make excuses -- neutral zone stress, dealing with idiots in sickbay. But that would be a coward's way out. Just -- I'm sorry. I'm no good at this apologizing shit, but I hope you'll forgive me anyway.

My ring's been swirling red and dark gray, and I feel guilty as hell about it. I'm sure mine hasn't shown me in the best of spirits either.

If you want me to do some groveling in person when we see each other, I'll give it my best shot. In fact, the idea of getting on my knees for you is pretty damn appealing. Fuck, Chris, I miss you so much. Even more these past few days when we haven't been writing.

You worry that I'll send you packing because of your moodiness -- Chris, I worry about the same thing. I'm a grumpy bastard on a good day, and when it's not a good day... well, you saw the outcome of that. I don't know why you put up with it, but I'm goddamn grateful that you do. I'm sure it'll happen again, and I can only say that I'm sorry in advance, I'll try not to do it very often, and I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you afterward.

All right, I think that's all I can say about that. But really, Chris, if there's something else I can say or do to make it up to you, let me know, all right? I love you, even when I'm being an idiot. Even when you're being an idiot.

You know, if you don't forgive me I think you'll have Jim as well as the entire medical staff after you because I've been told in no uncertain terms to fix things with you so I'll stop taking out my bad mood on them. Trust me, you do not want an irate Christine Chapel on your case. Well, you've worked with her before, I'm sure you already know that.

Anyway, I'll end there and save the updates for another time. Write back soon, if you can, because I'm going to be on edge until I hear from you.

I'm an idiot, but I'll try to control my idiocy, if you'll still have me. I love you.


To: Leonard McCoy (lmccoy@starfleet.gov)
From: Christopher Pike (cpike@starfleet.gov)
Date Sent: Thursday 2260.277

Dear Len,

I think I felt the weight of the universe come off my shoulders when I got your comm. God, I don't know what I ever did to deserve you -- I love you, Len.

I find it ironic we both wrote to each other at the same time, both of us wondering why we put up with each other. Maybe that's why we do -- no one else would. I don't know if that makes us perfect for each other, or perfectly fucked up. Either way, I'm just so relieved that even with another high fever I feel better than I have in weeks.

It helps knowing that in a couple of days I'll be in your arms again. I should arrive a few hours earlier than expected. So I'll spend some time with the family and then when you arrive I plan on whisking you off to the hotel where the party is at and I'm all yours until we have to make an appearance downstairs.

I hope Jim won't mind being dumped on my family without you. If it's any consolation, it will just be my parents, grandma, and Annie at the house when you two arrive. I think my grandmother is more excited to meet him than to see me. Knowing my mother, she will have Jim all but adopted before the party is over. I think it will be good for Jim though. God knows he can use some family that gives a damn about him.

Philip and I just left the starbase a few hours ago. The crew will have a week of shore leave and they deserve it. It's been a long and uneventful three months. Hopefully the next three months won't be the same. Not that I'm asking for trouble, but other than charting the unexplored sectors, it's generally been a waste of time.

Of course I forgive you. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. That said, I'm not going to complain if you want to get down on your knees for me. I may still feel like shit, but fuck I miss your mouth on my cock. Hell, I just miss being with you.

I know you and Philip have been conspiring about my health. I know Philip wants us to beam to Starfleet Medical for some tests on Monday. While it's not exactly how I want to spend our shore leave, Len, if it will help me get over whatever this lingering crap is -- I guess I'll do it. I'm going to leave it up to you. I trust you as a doctor despite how I act sometimes.

I'm going to try to get some sleep now. My head hurts, my chest hurts from coughing so damn much. I'm fucking miserable, Len. I think I'll have Philip sedate me. I want to get as much rest as I can since I know I won't get a lot of sleep when I'm with you. I can't wait to see you and God, I'm so looking forward to going home. I can't wait to show you our ranch. I hope you love it as much as I do.

Thank you for loving me, Len. And putting up with me. I don't deserve you.

Yours always,

To: Christopher Pike (cpike@starfleet.gov)
From: Leonard McCoy (lmccoy@starfleet.gov)
Date Sent: Thursday 2260.277

Dear Chris,

Good god, man, when you get introspective you don't fool around, do you? Whether people can change, whether relationships can last -- those are two of life's big questions, and anyone who says they have the answers to 'em is full of shit.

Maybe we can't change fundamental things about ourselves. We'll both always be stubborn as mules and ornery as goats. But I think we can change, at least to some extent. We can learn to listen to each other, and learn to think more before we fly off the handle. We can learn to -- I don't know, be more patient, with each other and with ourselves. I don't believe in predestination. I don't believe that events or people are set in stone and can't ever change. I can't imagine you would believe that either -- you've based your life on the ideal of making a difference, making things change for the better.

But Philip's got a point about adjusting expectations, and learning to accept each other's flaws. Well, and learning to accept our own flaws. That's probably even harder. Pretty sure it's going to be a life-long process. I wish there were a quick fix, a hypo I could give us to prevent us both from being idiots. But you know as well as I do that that's not possible.

You asked me what we're supposed to do when I realize that you're never going to stop having an ego and wanting to be in control, that I'm never going to be able to turn off being a doctor around you, and that you're never going to completely get over your jealousy of Jim. I guess the answer is that we keep doing what we have been doing. We screw up, then we pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and keep going. Together, if I have anything to say about it.

I gotta admit, it scares me to hear that Philip and Allen are having serious problems. I suppose that some part of me hoped that if a couple stayed together long enough, they'd iron out all their issues and somehow everything would be sunshine and roses from then on. But even if it's not like that, Chris, there are couples who stay together until the day they die. I want us to be one of those couples. It's not going to be easy, but I don't think it's supposed to be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is.

And Chris -- you said that in some ways I don't know you that well. I beg to differ, darlin'. I think that in some respects, I know you better than you know yourself. There's so much more to you than that egotistical asshole captain you call yourself. Yeah, that's part of you, but it's not all of you. I can see things in you -- vulnerability, compassion, kindness -- that I don't think you recognize or want to admit to yourself. You'll just have to believe me when I say I see those things and that I know you, soul-deep. Deeper than you could guess or I know how to say. And I can only hope that you know me that deep too, know that there's goodness in me that I can't see myself. Because lord knows, Chris, right now I don't see it.

Tomorrow I'm getting on a ship so we can meet up for the engagement party. I've got half a mind to say fuck the party and just take the time for ourselves. I know we can't do that. But god, Chris, I've got to be with you, I've got to hold you and know that we're all right, that we'll be all right.

I'm not giving up on us. Don't you dare give up either. I love you. I always will.


On to Part 41a
amine_eyes: thumbs upamine_eyes on October 17th, 2010 04:44 pm (UTC)
GOD I love this introspective sort of comm! So much characterisation and story :)

Very well done as always, I would leave a long rambly comment as always, but I've just got food back in the flat so I'm off to go cook and revel in the flat I don't have to make pasta a-la-fridge for the next week :D

Love you both! <3
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 17th, 2010 07:28 pm (UTC)
Ooo Yay for having food! Hmmm Pasta a-la-fridge. Is that anything like the rice a-la-fridge I've been living on for two weeks? Oy.

So glad you liked! I love when we climb into their heads. It's not always pretty, but fun as all heck to write.

snitches be crazy: st - pike/mccoyshighola on October 17th, 2010 05:11 pm (UTC)
Jesus these two don't brood by halves! Forget why they put up with each other, why do we put up with them?!

I guess cuz they're amusing and frustrating by turns. And we wouldn't want them any other way :D
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 17th, 2010 07:37 pm (UTC)
Exactly. They are great entertainment. Even if I want to STRANGLE THEM BOTH sometimes at what idiots they can be.

But ITA. Wouldn't want them any other way. And for putting up with them, and us, there is a SPECIAL REWARD coming next for our long suffering readers.
(no subject) - shighola on October 17th, 2010 11:51 pm (UTC) (Expand)
imacharimachar on October 17th, 2010 06:43 pm (UTC)
Hmmm...introspective, moody guys, damn they're so perfect for each other. Very nice little set of comms ladies - and 250,000 words DAMN that's impressive...
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 17th, 2010 07:40 pm (UTC)
Yes, they are perfect for each other aren't they?

Seriously though, easiest 250k I've ever written. Well, granted only about halfish is mine, but STILL. It's like a 'vacation' from my other writing. lol
Weeping Naiad: ST: Pike/McCoyweepingnaiad on October 17th, 2010 07:02 pm (UTC)
Oh, boys! At this point, I'd say they deserve each other and are both stubborn enough that they'll be together forever, as long as they don't kill each other first.

Seriously, the poor dears. I hope Chris gets over his denial about depression and they figure out why he's got this lingering illness.

I am sooo looking forward to their reunion!

Lovely as ever, m'dears!

Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 17th, 2010 07:43 pm (UTC)
Yes, the killing each other is what I'm worried about. I mean, they haven't even had their first knock em down fight yet when they are actually TOGETHER. That scares me. LOL

Reunion is next with a special surprise! <3
(no subject) - weepingnaiad on October 17th, 2010 07:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Reunion and a surprise - daegan1 on October 20th, 2010 10:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Reunion and a surprise - mga1999 on October 21st, 2010 03:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
secretsolitairesecretsolitaire on October 17th, 2010 08:23 pm (UTC)
Quarter of a million words -- wow, congrats! I've enjoyed every one. ♥

This part makes me want to hug both of them...or maybe smack their heads together. ;-) But as I said after the last part, I think they'll feel a lot better after they see each other in person. Long distance communication is so hard.
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 04:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you!

Yes, I often find myself in the same position. Do I want to hug them or SLAP THEM UPSIDE THE HEAD. I think it's mostly the latter.

And yeah, everything will be better after some sexin'.

elfsausage: bones-pike-yessirelfsausage on October 17th, 2010 09:03 pm (UTC)
Damn! I honest to god cried. In a happy way by the end though :-)
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 05:01 pm (UTC)
Awwww *hands tissue* I will admit though, that I do a little fist pump thing when someone admits to crying. See, skyblue_reverie wasn't kidding when she called me evol! <3
treksnoopytreksnoopy on October 17th, 2010 11:23 pm (UTC)
Congratulations on 250,000 words! WOW!

Oh these boys. Once again inspiring us to want to smack them upside the heads and snuggle them close to comfort them at the same time! I guess that why we love them as much as they love eachother.

I see from the comments, we have a special shoreleave suprise coming up! I can't wait! *bounces in my chair*
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 05:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you! That number just astounds us!

Yes, the next part will be a skyblue_reverie special edition!

We actually already have the next two parts done. Which is good for when life goes to HELL IN A HANDBASKET like poor skyblue_reverie dealt with last week and mine is starting like that this week.

Thank the gods for escapism in fic! <3

Edited at 2010-10-18 05:21 pm (UTC)
random00brandom00b on October 17th, 2010 11:45 pm (UTC)
Probably TMI, but...
Man, I realize that I'm a combination of Pike & McCoy. I understand so much of what both are saying about themselves, relationships, depression, fear of (the inability to) change because I am living this. Thanks for giving me hope that there is someone out there for my sarcastic, grumpy, slightly misanthropic self (even if it's been 5+ years since I've even attempted to date).
Jude: st - mc coy - looking downmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 05:24 pm (UTC)
Re: Probably TMI, but...
Awww *hugs you* There is always hope. I completely believe that no matter what. After my husband died, I remember something the grief counselor said to me... she was like, you always have to have hope. As long as you have hope, everything will be fine. And it's true, oh so true. It's amazing what you can cope with and make it through as long as you hold on to that. So don't give up! <3
ellie_pierson: McCoy/Pikeellie_pierson on October 17th, 2010 11:57 pm (UTC)
Goodness cranky boys are cranky! That's what I love about these two. They don't do anything half way. It's balls to the walls, full speed ahead all the time.

They will work this out. All they need is some serious cuddling time together, and for Chris to feel better and then all will be right with their worlds.

Don't worry boys, we won't give up on you either.

250,000 words...you guys ROCK!!!!

Hugs and kisses.
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 06:47 pm (UTC)
You know, I think that should be their new mantra: balls to the walls. I think that suits them PERFECTLY. *g*

Yes, I agree. Cuddle time and sexin' time and all will be well in their world until they do something stupid gain. Oh boys.

Thank you! Easiest 250k I've certainly ever been part of.

sangue: bones poutysangueuk on October 18th, 2010 12:37 am (UTC)
Call me a sadist, but I fucking love it when they fight! because make up sex looms - yay

Great update!
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 06:53 pm (UTC)
Sadist, masochist, angst whore = well, I'm the same way so it's an apt description for both of us. Much to poor skyblue_reverie's dismay.

(Deleted comment)
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 07:03 pm (UTC)
But if they fight during the engagement party think of all the FUN and DRAMA that would be? No? Darn, ruin all our my fun.

It's completely true. You always fight about the same issues, yet those issues evolve and change over time too.

Thank you!
The Hysterical Hystorian: Star Trek: McCoy/Pikeabigail89 on October 18th, 2010 02:03 am (UTC)
Oh, boys! You stupid, big-mouthed, stubborn, idiotic, silly boys. Argh. Also, pent-up, frustrated, and suffering from blue balls.

Don't you know you should never have a deep conversation when you're frustrated? Nothing good ever comes of it.

I really liked how they both just popped off at each other. Definitely a sign of blue balls. :D

Sooo...we have shore leave coming up. Looking forward to the sexin'. :D
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 07:25 pm (UTC)
Okay, you win for the best description of our boys!

Nope, nothing ever good comes of discussions when you are frustrated, but yet we dive into them anyway. Spock has it right sometimes. Humans are so illogical.

Yup! Special shore leave edition coming up next! Woo hoo! <3
Josiah Rosexanateria on October 18th, 2010 03:22 am (UTC)
<3<3 !!! :D Awesome as usual. I'm too owwwwie to be more coherent, but thanks so much for sharing. This made a great pick me up.
Jude: st - pike/mccoy - cap & drmga1999 on October 18th, 2010 07:08 pm (UTC)
Re: :)
Awww, sorry for your owie. Glad it helped pick you up!

sexycazzy: Pike/Bonessexycazzy on October 18th, 2010 08:54 pm (UTC)
Another great chapter, another one which has made me go tearful! lol :-)

I totally loved the open communication, the brutal honesty they had with each other, and omg - the minds are really more alike than they thought, and I love that! :-)

As usual, I love Len's postive encouragements and Chris having to try to accept them.

Looking forward to the next update!
Judemga1999 on October 20th, 2010 06:01 pm (UTC)
*fist pump for the tears*
Um where was I? Oh yeah, it is scary how much alike they are sometimes which is both good and bad. Sometimes I envision them as two rams butting horns... Yeah, my mind is a frightening place.

Thank you!
wunnerwmn on October 18th, 2010 09:38 pm (UTC)
Ah, Chris - I identify with him so much. "I hope you understand because I obviously still am a complete failure at this communicating thing." Yep, me too Chris, me too.

The reunion is next with a special surprise? A surprise can be good or bad...*iz deeply suspicious* :D

Judemga1999 on October 20th, 2010 06:08 pm (UTC)
You would think when people speak the same language that communication would be easy. They might as well each speak their own. They might do better! LOL

Now why would you be suspicious of our surpirse! We wouldn't do anything bad now would we? *blinks innocently*