Sky (skyblue_reverie) wrote,

Trek Fic: "I Deeply Sympathize" (Pike/McCoy, R-ish)

Title: "I Deeply Sympathize" (Part 40 of To Talk of Many Things)
Authors: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Rating: mild R, if that
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: Around 4100
Summary: The correspondence and personal journals of Christopher Pike and Leonard McCoy.
A/N: From mga1999: Sad that we've had this done over a week and are just getting it out to you. /PATHETIC. From skyblue_reverie: Sorry for the delay! But I've got a Jim/Bones fic in the works which is 14,000 words already and it should be posted soon, so hopefully that makes up for it, at least partially? :D?

Click on the gorgeous banner by the awesome fanarts_series for series masterlist with links to all prior parts:

To: James Kirk (
From: Christopher Pike (
Date Sent: Monday 2260.246

Dear Jim,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write you back, son. I needed some time to let everything you said sink in. It was hard to read your last comm -- I'll admit, it hurt. But it was all the truth and I deserve it, Jim. I nearly ruined the relationship we have. I'm still very grateful that you're still speaking to me. When I was your age, I probably wouldn't have been willing to do that, if I was in your place. Still, your comm made me do a lot of thinking, and when I try to get in touch with what I guess I'd call my emotional side, nothing good ever comes of it.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Whether he admits it or not, and although he acts like it's not a big deal -- I can read between the lines. Len was worried about you. He always worries, even if it's just a cold. It's not fun to get sick -- Especially when you're dealing with other things. I've been pretty sick myself lately, and I'm -- Well, I'm having a rough time.

You're right though. While we are the same in a lot of ways, I can see how different we are too. I say that meaning that for as young as you are, you are far ahead where I was at your age, especially emotionally. Like I said above, I wouldn't have forgiven so easily, although I'm sure I haven't been forgiven completely. I know I have to earn that, and I know it isn't going to be easy.

You don't owe me anything, Jim. In fact, in some ways, it's me who's in your debt. If it wasn't for you -- Your friendship with Len when he joined Starfleet. Well, just thank you. I know that you were instrumental in his healing from the hell he went through before enlisting. He would have been in no shape or form ready for the relationship with me without you. So let's call it even and get back to what we should have been doing all this time. I should have been helping you more. You've had the Enterprise for over two years and you've done a hell of a job, son, and with the brass pretty much out to get you from day one. I hope some of the files and reports I've been sending you are helping. I'm working on -- Well, let's just say I have key people who I trust looking out for your interests now.

Look, I just want you to know that you're right. Everything you said about jealousy -- You're right. I wish I could explain. I wish I could tell you that it's under control, but that would be a lie. A lot of this relationship stuff is still new to me and I'm stumbling through it. I've failed spectacularly at times. Unfortunately you've seen those times and been caught up in them. Again, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I don't think there is anything I can say. You know that I love Len. You know that I love you, too. I never intended to hurt either of you, but I have.

I'm glad you're working out what happened in your own way, Jim. I didn't mean to imply to you, or Len, that -- Well, I don't know exactly what I thought. Wait, yes I did. I was terrified of something happening to you, because I know -- I know that Len might not survive that. That's hard to swallow. I think you can understand that. He tells me that he'd be the same way if something happened to me, but I don't think that's true. I think as long as he has you -- If something happened to me, he'd be okay. I'm someone who's pretty much lived a charmed life Jim, pretty much taking and getting whatever I've wanted. It's all different now.

You know I have an ego, just like you do. Mine may be more subtle than yours -- I just like to think of it as seasoned and well tested. I know how to get what I want, and have never had to worry about losing anything or anyone -- I didn't care enough to worry. And then in the blink of an eye, I almost die at the hand of a mad Romulan. Lose my ability to walk. Lose my ship and pretty much my sanity. All while falling in love for the first time in my life and learning about feelings and emotions that I didn't know existed. Some days I barely feel like I'm keeping my head above water. Len's worth it -- More than worth it. I'm a lucky bastard and I know that -- Most of the time anyway.

Fuck, Jim. Once again I've probably told you more than I should have, and I'm feeling -- Well, I'm feeling vulnerable. I know you don't like feeling like that - Neither do I. I'm learning though, or trying to, that it's not a weakness. It's far worse to hide what you're feeling, who you are, from those you love. And I do love you, Jim. I want you to be safe, and happy. I hope you know that.

I'm due in medical for more tests. Do write me and tell me about what's going on, and let me know if you're having any trouble with the brass. I hopefully have everything in place -- People in place to take care of that for you.

Take care, son, and write soon.


To: Leonard McCoy (
From: Christopher Pike (
Date Sent: Saturday 2260.251

Dear Len,

I wasn't sure whether I should write you or not -- I'm still as you put it, a moody bastard. Maybe even moreso than last time I wrote. Philip pointed out the other night that whenever I'm not feeling well, I get like this. Fuck, Len. I feel like I'm losing my mind again. I can read your words over and over again, hear your voice in my head, yet I keep wondering what the hell you're doing with me.

If you've kept up with Philip's updates to my medical records, I'm still sick. I know you two have been corresponding about whether I could safely be removed from the immuno-suppressants at this point. He says that's still a last resort and is giving it more time, but he actually admitted to me he's worried about my mental health. That actually made me chuckle. I told him I was already convinced I'd lost my mind anyway. Either way, my body doesn't seem to be able to fight this off no matter what I do, so he's at least relented and I've been back on duty.

Otherwise, nothing is new. We're finding nothing out here. The good thing about that is we're ahead of schedule. That's always nice in case we do find somewhere we'd like to spend more time exploring later. The bad thing, is the crew is going stir crazy. If we stay ahead of schedule, I may divert the Exeter to drop me at Starbase Zulu IV instead of taking a shuttle to meet the ship I chartered. That will allow the crew to have a bit of shore leave while I'm on Earth. Not much there other than a moon colony, but at least it will be a change of scenery for them. We'll see.

I took your advice and I'm just giving up on controlling my mother for our wedding. You're right, but there is a small part of me that wants to keep fighting her on it. It is after all supposed to be my wedding, or our wedding, really, and we both want something small and intimate. Of course, thinking like that makes me feel like the bride so we won't even go there.

Speaking of the honeymoon -- We haven't really talked about that. I don't know how much time we'll have yet, but is there anywhere you'd like to go? And yeah, I know you'll say it doesn't matter as you just want to be with me, and I feel the same. Yet, it is our honeymoon, honey, and I'd love to take you somewhere you've never been, even if it's just on earth. I told you once I know a lot of private out-of-the-way places. You just need to tell me whether you want somewhere warm, or cold. A beach, forest, jungle, desert or the mountains? I don't even know if you've ever been skiing. I have, and I'd love to teach you. So give it some thought. I really want to know what you'd like.

I'm sorry you're horny. I can't say that I have been. I'm glad you liked the security vids. I knew you would. If I wasn't feeling so bad I'm sure I'd be getting off on the fact that you were enjoying them so much. I'm doing all I can to feel better, I promise. I certainly don't want to be feeling like this when we're together in a few weeks. I could make a bad pun here that maybe all I need is an injection of you.

Yeah, yeah. That was terrible, so I'm going to go for a swim and hopefully get some sleep.

In a month I'll be with you. God, I can't wait.

Love always,

To: Leonard McCoy (
From: Christopher Pike (
Date Sent: Thursday 2260.256

Dear Len,

Nothing new. I could literally write a comm identical to the last one and it would all be true. We definitely will be finishing up the first half of our mission early. We're charting these sectors almost three times faster than scheduled. We're going to do an extra one even before we head to Starbase Zulu IV.

Otherwise, right now I'm just resigned to feeling like shit. I'm still on Gamma, and am planning on staying on this shift until after shore leave. Then I think I'm going to take Beta. I can spend time with my students before my shift, and then I'll let them sit on the bridge the last couple of hours.

I'm trying to distract myself. I've been playing my guitar a lot. I've been reading. I'm still swimming, but that's about it. I'm not even writing in my journal; it would just be entry after entry of the same thing. Dr. Rossen says it will pass once I'm over this damn bug. Philip says it will pass, and obviously you aren't worried, but -- Fuck, Len. I'm worried. I don't like being out of control. I'm not used to it. Of course, no one knows I am except for you, Philip, and Dr. Rossen. Hell, Rickie doesn't even suspect I'm not myself other than being a little crankier than usual because I'm sick. I like to think that's you rubbing off on me.

How is Jim doing? I'm sure you're surprised I'm asking, but I haven't heard from him since I sent my last comm well over a week ago. I don't remember if I told you this or not, but you were right. Jim's going to be fine. He's so much more -- I don't know, mature doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe it's just because he has so much more life experience than I had at his age. Not that those experiences were good, but they helped him grow into the man that he is. Then there is the fact that he has you. Whether you believe it or not, I am glad he has you, Len. That doesn't mean I always have to like it. Just trying to be honest.

I'm attaching more holos of Nora. I think Annie is madly in love with her as she seems to film her almost every day. I'm not sure how she's going to tear herself away next month. I was teasing her about that in my last comm to her, she promptly told me to shut up. Typical Annie.

Nothing new from my mother. I think she's taking my silence on the matter as carte blanche. Remember later when we're at the circus that will be our wedding that you said to let her have what she wanted. You were warned. I'm not kidding, Len. Did I ever tell you she had two thousand people at a party for me the first time I came home after I turned eighteen and had been at Starfleet for seven months? Yes, she told me she was just throwing a 'little' party for me. Are you scared yet?

Well, I guess I found more to write about than I thought. I'm sorry, Len. I'm really sorry that I've been in such a crappy mood. I should have been writing you more. I've been selfish and feeling sorry for myself. And no, that wasn't easy to admit. I'll try to do better, but I don't know Len. I'm just feeling -- Fuck. I'm going to shut up now before I say something stupid. Because honestly, I don't even know what I'm feeling right now.

I love you. Twenty-four days until I see you. It's the only thing keeping me going right now.

Yours always, although I think you probably want to give me a swift kick in the ass right now.


To: Christopher Pike (
From: Leonard McCoy (
Date Sent: Sunday 2260.259

Dear Chris,

Okay, now I am starting to get worried about you. It's unusual for you to be so down for so long, cold or not. If you don't start feeling better soon, I want you to talk to Philip about getting on an anti-depressant. Yeah, I know you don't like the idea, but there's no shame in needing one, and you may not need it long-term, just until you get through this down phase. All right, medical lecture over and I'm going to try to stay out of it beyond this one piece of advice because I know it drives you crazy when I act like your doctor instead of your lover.

You're sorry that I'm horny? Good god, man, I'm not. Jerking off is one of the few unmitigated pleasures I've got on this damn tin can, and I'm going to enjoy it every chance I get. Speaking of which, are you trying to make me insane by mentioning that you're playing your guitar again? I want you to send me a vid of you playing. I'm definitely going to be getting myself off while I watch that. Fuck, darlin', you are so damn sexy when you're playing that guitar, your long fingers moving over the strings -- reminds me of the way your fingers move over my skin. And the look of intense concentration and pleasure on your face is unbelievably hot. And if you're singing too -- lord, I don't stand a chance. Okay, now I'm hard just thinking about that. Since I'm out in a common area of the ship, that's going to be goddamn uncomfortable when I stand up. Better move on to other topics.

I'm actually sitting in the rec room, watching Spock and Jim play tri-d chess while I'm writing this. Spock kicks Jim's ass every time, and yet Jim keeps coming back for more. He's getting better, though -- not that I'd be able to tell except that the games are lasting longer and Spock has to concentrate a little harder than he used to. By which I mean, he sounds just slightly less full of himself while he lectures Jim about the strategy and history of chess. I'd want to smack him in the face if I were Jim -- hell, I'm not even the one playing him and I want to smack him in the face anyway -- but Jim just sits there with a smile and that determined look in his eye. You know the one I mean. The one that says "Bar the door, Nelly, 'cause here I come!" Spock hasn't learned yet to be afraid of that look, but he'll learn. One of these days Jim's going to turn the tables on him and start kicking Spock's ass, and Spock's eyebrows are going to fly clear off the top of his head. It's why I keep watching. I'm looking forward to that.

I've been reading up on Vulcan-Human genetic hybridization so I can assist Nyota in getting pregnant. I'm thinking of it as helping Nyota have a baby, not helping Spock have a baby. Makes it much more palatable that way.

Did you know there's an entire body of scientific literature based on Spock's conception and birth? It's a pretty obscure backwater of reproductive genetics, but it's there. I've put in a request to the UFP Library to have it uploaded and sent to me, since it's not maintained on the central database.

The betting continues unabated on Sulu and Chekov's not-yet-budding romance. At this rate, I think Chekov might buy a clue and realize that Sulu's mooning over him before Sulu works up the nerve to make a move. Which is pretty pathetic, considering that the kid pretty much only ever thinks about numbers and Russia, from what I can tell.

Well, Spock just checkmated Jim but that's a new record for how long the game went on. Jim's getting closer to being able to beat him. And now I'm getting tired so I think I'll turn in for the night. I'll respond to the rest of your comms tomorrow.

I love you, darlin', and don't you dare doubt it.


To: Christopher Pike (
From: Leonard McCoy (
Date Sent: Monday 2260.260

Dear Chris,

As promised, here I am, writing you again. I'm on my lunch break, sitting in the mess as I write this. Jim's sitting across from me, working on some reports. I'm having the cook's amazing lentil vegetable soup and Jim's having a damn bacon cheeseburger. Although at least I made him get a salad on the side instead of french fries. He'd never eat anything green if I didn't practically force it down his throat, with him bitching about it the whole time like I was torturing him. As you probably gathered from my last comm and from this one, Jim's doing well. He's in fine fettle, actually, having gotten over the cold that the rest of the crew's now suffering with.

Darlin', if you want to fight your mother about the wedding, be my guest. I'm staying the hell out of it, though. Sons can get away with a lot of things that sons-in-law can't. Your mother approves of me, and I'd like to keep it that way. Seriously, though, whether there's twenty guests or two thousand, really all that matters is that at the end of it, we'll be married.

As for the honeymoon, let me give it some thought. Cold weather doesn't really appeal unless we've got a cozy cabin that we never leave.

Come to think of it, I've never been to the Mediterranean and I've always wanted to go, particularly to the region that used to be called Turkey. The Byzantine Empire and all that. And I know you like the water, so maybe we could do some sailing -- I remember you once talked about you and me on a boat in the endless blue, making love under the sun. As long as I dose myself with plenty of anti-nausea meds, and slap plenty of sunscreen on us both, that sounds downright amazing. What do you think?

For a total shift in subject, what's Annie going to be doing while we're at the ranch in Mojave? I've been feeling guilty for kicking her out of her home, and now I feel even worse, given her attachment to Nora.

Speaking of Nora, I can't wait to meet her. She's a feisty one, I can tell from the vids, and she's going to be one hell of a beautiful mare. Probably lead your stallions a merry chase.

Well, got to be getting back on duty now. Take care of yourself, and listen to Philip. Wait, let me amend that -- listen to Philip and do what he tells you to do. You see, darlin', I really do know you well.

I love you, and I'm never going to stop.


To: Leonard McCoy (
From: Christopher Pike (
Date Sent: Thursday 2260.263

Dear Len,

I think maybe I should just go back to not writing for awhile because I can't seem to say anything without you not understanding what I mean.

I'm not depressed, Len. I'm sick. Haven't you seen all the tests Philip has run? Have you seen my white blood cell count? Add in that I'm not sleeping -- You try being like that for weeks and not feel a little out of sorts. I'm frustrated. I'm bored. I miss you. Depressed, fuck no. Soon to be a raving lunatic? Possibly.

Another sector down, another bunch of nothing. In all of Starfleet's exploration history, there has literally never been so much 'dead' space. I'm so glad we were the ones to find it.

When I said I was sorry you were horny, Len, I meant that I was sorry that you had to be horny without me being there to do anything about it. And the fact that half the time I don't even have the energy to even think about jerking off, or the desire to send you dirty comms -- Fuck, I feel pretty -- Well, I feel worthless right now.

I know that you love me, Len. I don't doubt that. That's not what I meant either. I just don't know why you put up with me sometimes. Believe me, I'm grateful that you are. I know I'm not an easy man to put up with even in the best of moods. Factor in all this emotional shit that I'm trying and obviously failing at trudging through. It just doesn't make sense why you haven't sent me packing. Fuck. This is all probably going to come across wrong too.

To subjects I hopefully won't screw up -- Since the Exeter is getting shore leave while I'm gone now, Philip is going to come with me and go to the party. Allen will be on earth and I'm getting the impression they are having issues again so he's going to spend some time with him and then come back with us.

You aren't kicking Annie out of her home. She's going to be with my parents on a cruise to Greece that was planned long before our engagement party. They take off the morning after for two weeks. I'm sure she'll be vidcomming us daily to see how Nora's doing. She'll be fine. Annie loves baby animals. Any of them. Not that she still doesn't love them when they get older, but she's especially attached to babies. Yes, the human kind to. If we ever do have a baby, we'll be lucky if we can get him/her out of her arms.

I'm going to sign off now. Only a couple weeks until I see you. By the way, I booked us a hotel room where the party is being held up. Despite how I'm feeling, if anyone thinks I'm going to be able to keep my hands off of you from the time you arrive until after the party -- Well, let's just say I plan on us getting to the hotel early so we can fuck each other senseless before we have to be put on public display. They might just have to have the party without us.

Your moody bastard,

On to Part 41
Tags: fic: trek, pairing: pike/mccoy, series: to talk of many things
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