Authors: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Word Count: Around 7000
Summary: The correspondence and personal journals of Christopher Pike and Leonard McCoy. Now with bonus Jim!
A/N: Um, enjoy? /braindead and boring
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To: James Kirk (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: Leonard McCoy (email@example.com)
You crazy jackass. I can't believe you were keeping all that in. It's not good for your health, you know. It'll give you high blood pressure and lower your immunity and with your goddamned bizarre immune system, you can't afford that. Okay, lecture over.
I hope you know I'm going to keep your comm for the rest of my life as proof that I've got standing permission to sedate you if you act like an idiot on shore leave. You're not getting out of that promise, ever.
Jim, trouble does follow you around, but it's not always your fault. I can't believe I'm admitting that. But the crap with the paparazzi, and the crazy mobs of fans -- none of that bullshit is your fault. People need someone to idolize. Well, you know that, you did it with Chris. For most people on earth, that's you. You did save the entire planet, after all. I know you had help, but mostly it was you. Plus, you're too pretty for your own good so the bastards in the admiralty made you the poster boy for Starfleet. And yeah, your dad's legacy probably had something to do with it too -- people like neat packages, nice stories, and the son of a hero being a hero as well is an appealing thing. Anyway, you know all this. My point is, they aren't going to forget anytime soon. And it isn't fair, and it isn't right, and you've dealt with more than your share of crap in your life, and you don't deserve this on top of it all. It's piss-poor repayment for what you did for all of us. I'm sorry, kid, I really am.
And of course with your hero complex, you couldn't hear about a natural disaster nearby without rushing to help. I'm not criticizing -- I know that's just who you are. It's a good way to be. But Jim, you've got to spare a thought for yourself. You're wearing yourself to a thread, giving more and more to other people and saving nothing for your own self. If you don't care about yourself, think of everyone else. If you burn yourself out, you won't be able to save more innocent lives. And I know you know what it does to me when you get hurt, so I won't belabor it, but Jim, if something happens to you it's gonna just about kill me. Just -- keep it in the back of your mind when you're considering doing something crazy, all right?
As for all the bullshit the bastards at Starfleet Command are putting you through, I don't know what to say. You know that political crap makes me want to tear my hair out. I'm pretty damn sure Chris is going to be taking a good hard look at what's been going on, though. And for whatever it's worth, you know you always have my support.
Dammit, Jim, of course you can talk to me about this crap, about your doubts and fears that you're not doing everything right. No one's perfect, you included. You can't honestly think I hadn't realized that already. Shit, I point out your faults often enough. But Jim, that doesn't matter. I'm not going to lose my faith in you, ever. Period. There's no one I trust more, no one I'd want to serve with more than you. And yeah, that includes Chris. You ever tell him I said that and I'll deny it. Then I'll kill you and hide the body where no one will ever find it.
I don't put up with you because no one else will. You don't really think I'm that goddamn altruistic, do you? If I was, I'd be hanging out with Ensign Parker, that guy with the horrible B.O. that no one wants to get near. The point is, I stick around because I want to, all right? I'm not going anywhere, not for years, and you better get that through your thick skull. Don't scare me like that again, okay? By pulling away like that, I mean. I know you've been through hell, but it hasn't been a picnic for me either. You said you needed me, that you couldn't stand on your own without me. Well, that's a two-way street, Jim. It's the same for me. We just fit together. We click, like you said in your letter. We need each other. And you know what? I don't give a shit if that's not healthy. It works for us, and that's all that matters. Chris is going to learn to live with that, or he's going to lose me, and he knows it.
As for all the crap that's gone on with the three of us... there's more than enough blame to go around, Jim. For all of us. But I don't think it's a good idea to try to go back and do a post-mortem. It's over and we all need to move on. I've got my thoughts on the relationship between you and Chris. But I don't know if it's a good idea for me to express them, to either of you. I think maybe I should just butt out and let you two figure it out on your own. As long as you're not both being stubborn idiots, I think you two should be able to find your way back to some kind of relationship. It's not going to be the same as before, but maybe that's a good thing. I don't know.
You said I kept you in the Academy, but you've gotta know that the same is true for me. I would've been drunk off my ass every night and hung over every day if not for you. I would've flunked out the first time I had to do a flight sim. You kept me sane. You're not a screw-up, Jim. There's no owing, no debt between us. Or maybe there's so much on both sides that it cancels out. But I don't want you to think that I did all this crap for you and you never did anything for me, because that's not how it was.
I'm not going to push it, but you need to talk about Sam, and about Tarsus. Not now, but at some point. Whenever you're ready, I'm here, all right?
Don't feel bad for crying in front of Chris. I've cried in front of him too, and he's cried in front of me. It's nothing to be ashamed of. He's not going to think less of you. Hell, he told me flat out that he thinks more of you because you can actually let yourself be emotional when it's warranted. He loves you, Jim, and he does believe in you. He just let his stupid irrational jealousy get in the way of that. Well, there goes my resolution to stay out of things between you. That's all I'm going to say about that, though.
Jim, my staying on the Enterprise is not a sacrifice. I'm not kidding. Can you even imagine Chris and I serving on the same ship? With him as my direct superior, giving me orders? With me as his CMO, constantly fussing over his health? There's no way our relationship would survive that. Within a month we'd be at each other's throats constantly. And even apart from that, hell, Jim, I want to serve with you. You're my best friend and the best damn captain in the history of Starfleet. Why wouldn't I want to be by your side?
As long as we're being totally honest... God this is juvenile. All right, look, I sometimes get jealous of Spock. There, I said it. I can't believe I said it. But you two -- the way you work together, you're so in tune, it's almost creepy sometimes. And you two are getting to be friends, I know you are. And I do want you to have other people in your life. I guess it's just that ever since you told me about your talk with Old Spock, and how he told you that you and him, or the other him, this universe's him, were destined to be the most epic friends of all time and people would write goddamn songs about you or something... I don't know, I feel like I'm somehow in the way, and ruining the way things are supposed to be. Anyway, it's stupid. I know it is. Good lord, this is embarrassing. All right, I'm shutting up about that now.
I'm glad you wrote me that comm. I'm worried sick about you after reading it, but I'm still glad you sent it. I think we ought to meet before brunch tomorrow, just so we can clear the air, if there's anything left we need to say. Let's meet at Caffe Intermezzo -- you remember it, right? It's the one just outside of campus, with the redheaded barista who was constantly shooting you down. Wonder if she's still there. Anyway, you, me, Caffe Intermezzo, 0800. I'll tell Chris I'm meeting you before brunch and that we'll meet him at the restaurant at 1000. Don't even think of skipping out on me, Jim. I know where you live and I've got a dozen hyposprays with your name on 'em.
You and me against the world, you crazy bastard.
To: Leonard McCoy (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: James Kirk (email@example.com)
Sorry, I just woke up, but I'll be on my way in five. Order my usual espresso for me. Or better make it a quadruple shot if you don't want me falling asleep at the table.
Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike
It's a gloomy Sunday morning here in San Francisco. I'm sitting outside on my balcony, sipping coffee, and watching the fog and the rain clouds fight for dominance. Kind of like my mood right now. I feel like I'm fighting myself, two parts of me at war with the other. On one side, I'm the secure and confident Starfleet Admiral, commander of the Exeter. On the other, pathetically insecure and insanely jealous that my fiancé left our bed at the crack of dawn this morning to work out in the gym, and right now is having coffee with Jim.
I'm not sure what's going on, but considering how worried Len looked last night when I went to bed, it can't be anything good. I understand he doesn't want to talk to me about Jim -- I only have myself to blame for that. But being in the dark, not knowing what's going on might be even worse.
The only thing he asked was if I knew about the 'bullshit' with the Admiralty and Jim. I told him that Jim had said a few things during our talk earlier and asked him if wanted to elaborate. He opened his mouth like he knew what he wanted to say, but then stopped. A minute later he looked at me kind of oddly and asked me if I had overheard anything about certain people trying to sabotage Jim's captaincy, like keeping him out of the loop. I honestly think he was afraid of my answer, like I've known all along.
I told him there is and always has been a lot of discussion about Jim. I was honest and told him that while at times I've defended Jim, there are times when I agree with them. I reminded him that unfortunately it is politics, and there are a lot of old timers that I wouldn't put it past to try to sabotage Jim. I reminded him that Starfleet really had no choice but to make Jim a captain, make him Starfleet's poster boy. They were trapped, and several high placed members of the Admiralty actually resigned when they allowed it.
I reminded him that I supported Jim getting the Enterprise. Sure, I can't honestly say I didn't have my doubts of turning the flagship over to a twenty-five year old who hadn't even graduated yet. I was thirty-one when I earned my first command, the youngest by three years at the time. The numbers don't lie though. Jim has done an incredible job, no one can deny that. I told Len that many of them expected him to fall on his face within six months to a year, and they'd quietly replace him. He obviously didn't, but I agreed with Len that it's highly possible there are those still trying to make it happen.
I promised Len that I would see what I could find out. That if he knew more than what I mentioned Jim had told me earlier, it would be helpful to me. He suggested we talk about it over brunch if it's okay with Jim, and while that stung a bit, that he wouldn't betray Jim's confidence, I understand. I reminded him that I had to tread carefully, and it might take some time. He simply nodded and slid into bed.
I know we were both emotionally exhausted from the day, Len even more so from what I'd guess weren't an easy couple of days with Jim. He seemed so relieved, though, that he and Jim are on the mend, and I can honestly say that I am too. I never enjoyed knowing Len was suffering, which makes me feel even worse that I indirectly caused it in the first place. I know I need to move on, though. I can't change what happened, but I can change how I react from now on. That's what I'm going to focus on.
Yet, I'm sitting here, watching my ring swirl yellow and green. He's obviously worried about Jim, but happy that Jim is talking to him again. Me, I'm not sure what I feel right now. I'll admit part of me is a little miffed that with the time counting down until he leaves, he's spending time with Jim. The other part of me knows that he wouldn't do that without good reason. He was awfully rattled about something last night, and if this couple of hours with Jim relieves that, then really, that's all that matters. Thinking of it that way does help the jealousy.
What I should have done is gone to the gym myself. Instead I've been sitting out here for over an hour writing this and thinking more than any halfway normal person should. Of course what I'm thinking about the most, and what I've left until the end, was the disaster of Len and I in bed last night. I knew neither of us were in the mood. I held him for awhile, we talked about the trip home for the engagement party in October and spending a couple of days in Mojave. I think he felt guilty, though, since it was our last night here in the apartment. I'm sure he was trying to reassure me, so we started to fool around, going through the motions really. After about ten minutes -- Well, it just wasn't going anywhere. I didn't feel like it, I could tell he didn't feel like it. I was barely even hard, which says a lot considering I get hard just from being next to him half the time.
So we stopped, it was awkward, and I got up go to the bathroom and ended up taking a shower. I didn't even feel like jerking off, which says even more. When I came back out, Len was asleep, or, more than likely, faking being asleep. It was totally understandable considering the day we had, but it bothers me more than I thought it would. After all, the sex is what in some ways got us together in the first place. I don't mean that as a bad thing, just being truthful.
When I crawled into bed, I spooned up behind him. I felt his breathing change, and wrapped my arm around him. I just started talking, quietly, about nothing, then I brought up our first time together on Milika III. The first time I was inside him, the first time I came again since my injury. I was so selfish during that trip, dominating the sex. Doing whatever I pleased with him. Not allowing him to fuck me. I admitted to him that before that trip, I still didn't see him as being much more than -- Well, I guess a fling. Sure, I was attracted to him, but I didn't see it going anywhere. I wasn't interested in a long term relationship ever again. Of course, that trip changed it all. That first time I was inside him, and then coming -- I told him I still think of that time the most when I'm jerking off. By the end of that trip I knew it wasn't a fling, at least for me. And when he confirmed his feelings in our comms after, there was no looking back.
It was nice to lie there together, reminiscing. And talking about the future. If we both finish our second tours, it will be over nine years apart when mine finally ends. It seems such a long time right now, but really, it will just be a short period in the life we spend together. I may not be as young as him, but I plan on living another seventy or eighty years, god willing. That's plenty of time to raise a family. Looking at it that way, it doesn't seem so bad, or so long. If we get married sometime next year like we've been discussing, I'll be lucky enough to spend seventy-five years married to him. Two years ago, I would have laughed if anyone told me I would ever feel like this. Hell, I would have laughed at myself for thinking it.
Now, I can't imagine being without him. It almost seems silly that I'm letting his friendship with Jim jeopardize our relationship. I want to believe that yes, while I may still be sitting here having twinges of jealousy, it's not as bad as it's been times before. At least I haven't done anything foolish like comm him, or even worse, I didn't follow him. Of course the fact that I've even thought of those things -- Fuck, Chris. Get a grip.
I suppose I should get ready to go and check my console for a file I asked Richard for. I also made a couple of calls to people I trust who will hopefully be able to give me a little more insight into what may be really going on. Jim might not have really deserved getting his command so early, but he's done a hell of a job considering. He's certainly earned it now, and doesn't deserve the way the Admiralty is treating him. Hopefully, I can find a way to help him.
I should have been doing that all along.
To: Leonard McCoy (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: Christopher Pike (email@example.com)
I've got quite a bit of information I need to give to Jim. Can you find out if he can come back here after lunch? I tried comming him and it's apparently turned off. It will probably take about an hour or so to go over everything with him.
To: Christopher Pike (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: Leonard McCoy (email@example.com)
Yeah, he's free all day -- well, except for the engagement party, of course. We'll see you at brunch in about an hour. Jim'll come back to the apartment with us and then we can all head over to the party together.
Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy
Chris and Jim are in the study, discussing Starfleet politics. Bunch of bullshit, if you ask me, but I know it's an inevitable part of any organization. But I'm glad they're discussing it together. Hopefully forming an alliance or whatever the hell you do when you're involved in all that political crap. Jim could sure use Chris's help with the brass. If it was just a matter of being good at what you do, he wouldn't need anyone's help. But it's also about who you know, and schmoozing the right people, and while I don't doubt Jim could do that if he wanted to... well, he doesn't. Chris is good at that stuff and he actually enjoys it.
Anyway, I suppose I'm avoiding talking about -- writing about, whatever -- last night. It was the first time that Chris and I haven't been in sync, sexually. Before, even when we've been pissed off at each other, the sex has still been good. Hell, it's been some of our hottest.
Last night -- well, neither of us felt like it, and that was the first problem. We have so little time together that generally, to be crude, we fuck like bunnies whenever we're in the same place at the same time. Even the times that we haven't had sex, it was because we wanted to hold each other, enjoy intimacy that way, without the sexual component. Last night didn't have much to do with intimacy of any kind.
The second problem is that neither of us wanted to admit it, so we both tried to ignore our lack of desire and make love anyway. I wanted to want him, but I just didn't. Not at that moment. And then it only got worse when we tried to force it. Chris ended up getting up and going to take a shower. Good lord, that was awkward. I had no idea what to say to him, so I pretended to be asleep when he got out. He spooned up behind me and started talking to me. Talking about the early days of our relationship, when it first got really serious between us. That helped some of the awkwardness, and we ended up just talking for a while, before I drifted off to sleep.
I think a lot of the problems between us lately are my fault. I know Chris resents my spending time with Jim when he and I have so little together. I understand where he's coming from, but this is really the only chance I'll have to spend some uninterrupted time with Jim, talking about this shit. Once we're back on the Enterprise, and he's back in captain mode, there's always some damn thing going on, and somehow even when there's free time, he's just not as loose, as willing to talk as when he's earthside.
And then I made it worse when I asked Chris if he knew about the way the admiralty has been out to get Jim. I know it sounded kind of accusatory. I didn't mean it that way -- oh, hell, might as well be honest. I did half wonder if Chris had known about it all along, and just didn't do anything to help because of his jealousy. I should know better. Chris may be a possessive bastard, but he values his honor above everything, and standing back while people plot against someone that he knows damn well is an amazing officer -- well, that's not his way.
Moments like that remind me how different we are, how much we still have to learn about each other. I guess it'll just take time. Time and mistakes, and picking ourselves up after our mistakes.
I wonder if it was one of those mistakes to meet Jim for coffee this morning. Chris wasn't thrilled about it, I could tell, but he didn't say anything. I think it was important for me and Jim to talk, though. To make sure we were okay, especially after those comms we exchanged. I was worried about him. For him to get that serious and emotional, he's got to be in a really bad place.
When he was late to meet me for coffee, I almost panicked. Luckily he commed me to let me know he'd overslept. I was just about to charge over to the beaming site to get back onto the Enterprise where he's staying. He showed up ten minutes later, out of breath from running and with a horrible case of bedhead. It was actually kind of sweet to know that he'd hurried so I wouldn't worry about him. We had espresso and chatted. Not about anything serious -- we were in public and neither of us was comfortable with that idea. But it was good just to reconnect, joke and laugh. It would've been pretty awkward if our first encounter after those comms was with Chris right there, scrutinizing our interactions. Or at least, we both would've felt like he was.
The redheaded barista that Jim was constantly flirting with during academy was still there. She wouldn't give him the time of day back then, but now that he's the hero of the federation, lord almighty had she changed her tune. She made it obvious that she'd love to spend more time with him. It was kind of hilarious, actually, watching Jim shoot her down. He was perfectly charming and civil, of course, but he made it clear that she could take her newfound interest and shove it. Even if it wasn't very dramatic, I have to say it was kind of satisfying, seeing her get her come-uppance. Jim's no fan of fair-weather friends, that's for damn sure. Not that I blame him.
Anyway, after coffee, we stood up and Jim kind of awkwardly clasped my shoulder and held it for a few seconds. Neither of us said anything, but I knew what he meant. I ruffled his hair and he ducked away and slapped at my hand, but he knew what I meant too.
Then we went to brunch, which was almost as awkward as I'd feared. Lots of pauses and stilted small talk. Still, it could've been worse. Chris and Jim were both on their best behavior. They were obviously both making an effort, and even if it was for my sake, I appreciated it.
Things got a bit easier towards the end of brunch. Probably the mimosas helped. We all took a hovercab back to Chris's and my apartment, and that brings me back to where I started, with Chris and Jim holed up discussing Starfleet business. It's been quiet in there the whole time, which has gotta be a good sign, right?
Maybe I'll just go check on them.
Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike
What a day. I'm on the Enterprise now, in Len's quarters. He's in the main med bay, checking on a few things before the crew come aboard tomorrow. Let's see if I can get this all down before he returns.
I met Len and Jim for brunch. Damn, Jim looked tired, like he hadn't slept at all. If he wasn't heading out tomorrow, I'd be more worried about him. But he's like me, and once he's out in the black and back to his usual routine, I'm sure he'll bounce back. I'm sure Len will be keeping an eye on him more than usual too. I am pleased to say that seeing them together at brunch didn't bother me too much. Sure, there were little pangs, like when they passed food they didn't want back and forth to each other's plates, but I have to remind myself that's just familiarity. They've been doing it for over five years. If you count all the times Len and I have eaten together, it probably isn't even two months.
Brunch conversation consisted mostly of a few awkward pauses between all of us. That hurt, especially looking at Len and seeing the pain in his eyes. It got better though. We couldn't really discuss 'fleet business, but I told Jim a bit about the areas we'd be exploring and mapping and that I was looking forward to it, except for the fact that it would take a week or two for communications to relay back and forth.
He told me that Scotty and Chekov have been working on that in their 'spare' time. He doesn't think they will have a solution right away, but between the two of them he doesn't doubt they'll invent something that will improve relay times in the outer rim and beyond. I don't put it past them either.
Jim came back to the apartment with us. I took him into my office and gave him a PADD filled with my notes of all the meetings he should have been privy to. I also discussed politics in general with him. Who I know for sure has it out for him, and warned him that most of the same members of the Admiralty have it out for me as well. Not all of them though, so there are ways I can still help him. When I talked to Richard earlier, he told me he was aware of some 'factions,' as he called them, that are constantly trying behind the scenes to get Jim's commission taken away from him. Richard says they have absolutely no grounds, though, so as long as Jim keeps doing the job he's doing, there isn't anything they can do.
That's a lot of pressure on him, though, and Richard agrees. He asked me point blank how Jim was handling it. I was honest and told him I wasn't exactly the best person to ask considering the problems Jim and I have been having. I told him that Jim thrives under pressure though, which is completely true. I will admit, as rundown as he seems right now, I can't exactly give him a glowing recommendation.
Richard and Jim are going to go ahead and have their meeting tomorrow morning. I think it will help Jim to see that while Richard may not be Jim's biggest supporter, he will stand by him unless he's given reason not to. I told Richard to feel free to let him know all the screw-ups and mistakes I made as a young captain, and Richard laughed and told me there wouldn't be enough time in the meeting for that. Asshole.
After our talk, we went to HQ where the Enterprise gang threw us an informal engagement party. There were only about forty people there in one of the Starfleet ambassadorial suites. It was mainly the Enterprise command crew, Philip and Allen were there, as well as a few of Len's colleagues from Starfleet Medical. Nyota and Christine decorated the room nicely, in gold and blue, including balloons all over the ceiling.
They served champagne and finger foods. And of course there was a cake, decorated with replicas of the Exeter and the Enterprise, in blue and gold. Towards the end of the party, a few of the balloons started drifting down from the ceiling. Everyone had quite a laugh when one fell and stuck to the side of Spock's head, and gave him an interesting hairdo thanks to static electricity. Of course Spock didn't find it so amusing, breaking into the scientific explanation. Uhura was snickering though under a hand she was holding over her mouth, and I'm pretty sure I saw Scotty take a holo or two.
It was nice, and I'm glad I was able to get together with them since they won't be able to come to the engagement party my family is throwing in October. I've been thinking the last couple of days, that I might see what I can do about getting Jim to that party. With the Admiralty watching him like a hawk, I'm not sure it would be a good idea, but I'll talk with Richard between now and then and see what he thinks. I know Jim hasn't used any personal leave since taking command, other than required shore leave, so he certainly has it coming. Of course, this all depends on what's going on in the neutral zone. I know it would mean a lot to Len, and honestly, it would mean a lot to me too.
Well, I think I'm going to wander down to med bay and haul him out of there. It's our last night together, and I want to be with him every minute I can.
Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy
It's about 0400 and I can't sleep. At this point I don't even know if it's worth it to try to sleep anymore. Well, whether or not I sleep, it's worth it to lie in my bed on the Enterprise with Chris, so after I finish this up I'll get back in bed.
Yesterday afternoon was good. Jim and Chris seemed to have a good talk, or at least they both finished it without any blood or bruises, so I'm going to count it as a win. Then we headed over to HQ for the engagement party that Christine and Nyota set up for us. It was nice. I'm not really one for socializing, but they kept it small, only people I knew. Bridge crew, sickbay crew, plus Philip and Allen. I'll have to thank Christine for that later. If it'd been up to Nyota, half of Starfleet would've been there.
I'll also have to thank Christine for the fact that Commander Sato wasn't there. I may have dropped a comm to Christine and hinted that I'd rather Sato not be present, and Christine made it happen. Pretty typical of her, actually. She's damn good at interpreting my grumbles and anticipating what I need, whether it's a laser scalpel or a "misplaced" invitation.
Anyway, everyone there was someone I'd count as a friend. Well, I'm not sure about Spock. But other than that. It was kind of a strange moment. These are the people in my life who are closest to me, who mean the most to me, including the best friend I've ever had and the man I'm going to marry. And six years ago, I didn't know a single one of them. I never expected, when I started building my life over from scratch as a hung-over Starfleet recruit, that I'd actually one day be happier and more fulfilled than I ever was in my old life. As some long-dead philosopher once said, "What a long, strange trip it's been."
After the party wound down, Chris and I headed back to the apartment. I packed up my things for beaming aboard the Enterprise, and good lord, was that depressing. The closer it gets, the more I dread the separation from Chris.
We had a light dinner out on the balcony -- neither of us was very hungry since we'd had platefuls of those dainty little appetizers at the party. We were both in a subdued mood, not talking much. I was pretty much just pushing food around my plate when suddenly Chris stood up and grabbed my hand. He said "come on, come with me," and dragged me inside. Then he sat down on the sofa with his back against the arm, spread his legs, and tugged me down until I was sitting on the couch between his legs, with my back resting against his chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and tucked his chin onto my shoulder. I laced my fingers through his on my stomach and leaned my head back against his shoulder. We just sat there together like that, not talking, just relaxing into each other. Reconnecting, it felt like.
I actually dozed off for a little while, and when I drifted back, Chris was nuzzling my neck, murmuring "God, Len, I love you. I love you so much. I need you. I don't think I could live without you. Fuck, that's pathetic, but it's true. Don't ever leave me, okay?"
I mumbled back something like "Won't. Love you too." Chris froze in place, and then I realized that he hadn't meant for me to hear him. After a minute, he relaxed, and then he clutched his arms around me so hard I thought he was going to crack one of my ribs. His face was still turned against my neck and he just held me like that for several minutes. Finally he let me go and said "All right. Time to head up to the Enterprise. Get your stuff and give me a minute to pack an overnight bag." His voice was kind of thick, but I didn't say anything, just got up and went to get my duffel.
By the time he got back from packing his bag, he was collected again. It was a nice evening, so we walked over to the beaming site together, our hands brushing together with every step. After we transported up, I got Chris settled in my quarters and went to check out sickbay.
Of course the morons who did the resupplying screwed it up, and we had too many doses of some drugs and not enough of others. We were particularly short of the only antibiotic in our arsenal that Jim's not allergic to, so I put a call through to Starfleet to tell them that no way we were going to be leaving spacedock without the medicines I needed to keep the ship's captain alive. I had to go through three different levels of bureaucrats, but I finally found someone who had authority to get the drugs delivered, and he promised that they'd be here first thing in the morning.
Sometime while I was in the process of reaming out the morons who'd caused the problem and were now disclaiming all responsibility for fixing it, Chris came in to see what I was up to. He had this glint in his eye while I was cussing and hollering at the jackasses in Resupply -- half amusement and, if I'm not mistaken, half arousal. After I finally hung up on the last of the idiots, he walked over and stood between me and my vidcomm screen, and leaned down and kissed the living daylights out of me. Then he said, "Come on, Len. Enough work. Let's go back to your quarters."
If our attempt at sex the other day wasn't very satisfying, we certainly made up for it last night. It was... well, the only word I can think of is explosive. We kissed and touched and teased each other until we were both half-crazy. Then Chris tried to get me to fuck him, but I wasn't having any of that. I had to feel his cock inside of me, feel him pounding into me with my legs over his shoulders and our eyes locked. So I told him so, in extremely filthy detail. I wasn't even done talking when he put his hand over my mouth and told me to stop or he was going to come just from my description. I nipped his hand and told him that if he wanted me to shut up he was going to have to make me. So he did. He fucked me hard, got us both right up the edge and then stopped moving altogether. He did that again and again until I was begging him, whimpering and pleading with him to finish, to come inside of me and let me come. He was merciless, though, and did it at least twice more before he finally grabbed my cock, fisted it, and told me to come for him. I did, instantly. My clenching around him pulled him over the edge too. His back arched and I swear he howled as he shot inside of me. We collapsed into a heap of sweaty limbs, both of us shuddering.
He wanted to get up and clean us up a few minutes later, but I wouldn't let him. I wanted his come to leak out of my ass and stain the sheets, wanted our sweat to soak into them too, so that when I sleep in this bed, I'll smell him all around me. He just smiled without saying anything, but I could tell he liked that idea. That I'd be lying in sheets that he'd marked with his scent.
After a little while, he fell asleep. I was too wound up, though, from all the things that have happened this shore leave, and the dread of being away from Chris for the next several months, and worry over Jim as well. Nothing I could do about the first two, but I figured I could at least check on Jim. So I kissed Chris and when he was halfway awake, I told him that I was going to check on Jim but I'd be back in a few minutes. He just mumbled "'kay" and was already back asleep by the time I got myself decent and left my quarters.
I went to Jim's quarters and buzzed him -- he was getting ready for bed and looked exhausted. I asked him if he needed anything to help him sleep, but he said he had a feeling he was going to be out like a light as soon as his head touched the pillow. Got to admit I'm glad, because I don't like giving anyone too many sleeping meds, and especially Jim. Not just because of his body's unpredictable reaction to drugs, but because the very last thing he needs right now is any hint or rumor of a chemical dependency. The bastards at HQ would have a field day with that.
He asked what the hell I was doing on his doorstep when he knew for a fact that I had Chris squirreled away in my quarters. So I said good night and came back here. And now I'm getting sleepy again myself, so I'm going to finish this up and get back in bed with Chris.
Fuck, next time I write in this thing, I'll be thousands of light years away from him. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it.
On to Part 35