Authors: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Warnings: Brief reference to watersports
Word Count: Around 6300
Summary: The personal journals of Christopher Pike and Leonard McCoy.
A/N: From skyblue_reverie and mga1999: Before you ask: JIM STUFF NEXT CHAPTER. We swear.
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Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy
Sweet merciful mother of god, yesterday was intense. Chris and I did some things that I can hardly believe, and in my childhood bed. My parents are probably rolling over in their graves. Good lord, I cannot believe I just had that thought. I hope to god I never ever think of my parents and depraved sex with Chris in the same moment, ever again.
Anyway, I feel somehow like it was a turning point for us. I suppose it's because of the level of trust involved, for each of us to admit what we wanted, and to believe that the other one wouldn't turn away in disgust. And then to not just talk about it, but to actually do it, do things that for each of us have only been fantasies up until now -- well, once you know someone else's deepest darkest corners that way, it's hard to ever go back to thinking of them in an adversarial way.
I don't know if that made any sense. But I mean, next time I'm ticked off at Chris, when he's done something asinine or just something that annoys the hell out of me, I know damn well that I'm going to think about how he looked when he was pissing on me, and the sound he made when I swallowed a few drops, and it'll melt my anger. How can I be upset over something petty when he's showed me that part of himself and trusted me with it?
This morning, lying in bed, he asked me whether I planned to talk about any of that with Jim. I was taken aback. For him to actually have to ask me that -- good god, I've somehow given him the impression that nothing that happens between us is sacred, that I'm liable to go blabbing to Jim about everything that we say and do. I tried to explain, and I don't know how well I succeeded, that of course I would never talk to Jim -- to anyone -- about those things. About anything so deeply personal. But as he pointed out, we have very different definitions of what's "personal." I told him that if there was ever anything he didn't want me to talk about, he only had to say so and I'd honor that. For other things, I guess he's going to have to learn to trust my judgment. I know that's hard for him. It's easier for me, knowing that I don't have to worry about that. I feel like I've failed him, left him not knowing what to expect will be kept private and what will be told to Jim or even what might become common knowledge. I guess, just like he's got to keep me in mind when he's off making plans, I've got to be more aware of keeping his feelings in mind when I'm running my mouth off. Lord, this relationship shit is hard work.
Moving on, not to an easier, but at least to a different topic: Jim. I got a comm from Scotty today, saying Jim was back on the Enterprise and acting strange. Well, stranger than usual. Even more hyper than normal, driving Scotty crazy with ideas for tweaking the warp drives or whatever other incomprehensible engineering crap they talk about, and then suddenly getting quiet and retreating to his quarters for hours on end. He's not even supposed to be there yet -- when he said he was going home I assumed he meant back to San Francisco, to Starfleet Headquarters, not back to the Enterprise in spacedock. I've got half a mind to go there myself and find out what's going on, but -- well, I won't do that to Chris. These last few days are going to be just for us, and I'm not going to let my worries over Jim ruin that. At least I can trust Scotty to keep an eye on him and keep him out of trouble; anything else can wait a few days.
Chris and I are going to take a walk and he's getting antsy to go, so I'll sign off for now.
Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy
Another big to-do with Jim this morning. I swear to god he does this stuff just to drive me to an early grave. This morning Chris got a comm from Admiral Barnett, saying that he'd received Jim's official request to transfer me to the Exeter, but before he approved it he wanted to talk to Chris and make sure it was what he wanted. Well, of course Chris knew nothing about it and when he called me into the room and told me, I about hit the roof, right in front of Admiral Barnett, who was still on the vidcomm link.
Chris got me calmed down and told Barnett we'd comm him back. Then he sat me down and made me take some deep breaths, which was good because I think I was about to hyperventilate with rage. What the goddamn hell does Jim think he's playing at, trying to send me away? Does he think he's being noble and self-sacrificing for the good of Chris's and my relationship? Why in god's name didn't he at least talk to me before he pulled this shit? I really wanted to comm him and give him a piece of my mind right then and there, but Chris convinced me to wait until I'd settled down a bit.
We talked it over before I went off half-cocked. I was really surprised that Chris was so -- well, I guess supportive is the right word. He didn't get that pinched look he gets whenever I talk about Jim, and he was more rational about the situation than I was. We ended up vidcomming Jim on the Enterprise, putting it through on a priority one channel using Chris's comm code so Jim would have to pick up. We told him in no uncertain terms that I would not be transferring to the Exeter. Chris left the room so I could talk to Jim for a few minutes by myself. He looks like shit -- haggard and way too skinny. I couldn't really tear into him when I saw how bad he looked. So I kept it light, we just joked around for a few minutes. I think he was relieved, and I hate that he's afraid of really talking to me. We agreed to spend a couple days together after the Federation Day celebrations. I was surprised when Chris suggested it before we commed Jim, but it's a good idea. Maybe we'll go out to Yosemite; we talked about doing that, back when we were at the Academy. Then Chris and I switched, and Chris talked to Jim alone for a few minutes. I don't know what they said, and I didn't ask. Chris looked pretty thoughtful after the conversation, though. I really hope they manage to salvage some sort of relationship out of this mess.
It's raining now, just a light misty drizzle that thankfully is cooling everything down a bit, from unbearably hot to just moderately intolerable. I've never made love outside in the rain, but I've always wanted to, so I think I'm going to go see if I can convince Chris. Bet he'll look incredible with wet clothes clinging to his body.
Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike
Well, tonight is our last night here on the farm. Tomorrow morning at 0600 we'll be transported back to Starfleet headquarters. Len just left to take the rental car back, have our luggage shipped home on a shuttle tonight, and have dinner with Mark who will bring him back after. I swear I'm going to be nicer this time. God help me if I'm not.
The last few days have been wonderful. We both made a point of shutting out the rest of the world and just concentrating on each other. We've talked a lot, and while every issue hasn't been solved, we aren't walking on eggshells around them anymore either. We've taken long walks on the property where Len has told me more stories of his youth, we've spent hours in bed making love -- And not just the bed. There was a particularly memorable time in the hammock in the drizzling rain.
We've figured a few things out. Len knows that I intend to do another five-year tour after this one. I don't think he was surprised. I know I said this would be my last, but that was when I still wasn't feeling that great and well, I thought I could actually retire. Being out there again -- Like I said before, I'm just not ready to give it up. It works out for both of us, as Len has made it pretty clear he's staying on the Enterprise for another tour with Jim. I'm actually okay with that. Sure, it's not ideal for our relationship, but we've managed so far. I know, like Len has said, the two of us would never do well working together on a starship. We also both know that nothing is guaranteed anyway, so we'll just see what happens.
I even talked with Jim. There was a bit of drama with him yesterday -- I swear 'drama' or 'trouble' should be his middle name. I'm not going to get into it but I was actually quite proud of myself for what I ended up doing despite the fact that yeah, it still bothers me more than I even want to admit.
Len has been so worried about him, and if I'm being completely honest, so am I. I've tried to stay out of it and maybe that was a mistake. I got Len to talk to me for awhile yesterday after I got the comm. I'll admit it's not fun seeing the panic that flashes across Len's face when there is something wrong with Jim but I just remind myself that all that matters is that I should help Len, give him whatever support he needs. I think it was a huge relief for Len to unburden himself of some of what he's been feeling. It's been a rough four months since -- well, since the two of them have been -- hell, I don't even know what to call it. It would be easy to blame it all on Jim, but I have a feeling there is more to it than Len realizes. So I simply listened as he talked. No, it wasn't easy, but in the end, Len felt better and I showed him that I can listen and I hope in some way it helped him feel better. I have to admit that being able to do that for him made me feel pretty damn good too.
Tomorrow after the Federation Day festivities, Len and Jim are going to take off for a couple of days together. Len had mentioned they might go camping, but after seeing how rundown Jim looked on vidcomm, I didn't think that would be wise and called in a favor with a family friend and got them a cabin. At least then I know they have a roof over their head and they can still traipse around in the woods if Jim is up to it. Of course I'll feel better if they stay put. Who knows what kind of trouble Jim will get Len into. But Len is a grown man and can take care of himself -- I'm just being ridiculous. I will be honest though, when I suggested Len might want to spend some time with Jim since the Enterprise's departure is delayed a few days -- A diplomatic mission delay with one of the ships currently assigned to the neutral zone -- Well, I didn't think he'd actually take me up on it. I know it took him by surprise, and it made him happy. So in that respect, it's worth it. Luckily, I have full days and nights of meetings at Starfleet and inspections of the Exeter on Thursday and Friday, so truthfully I wouldn't have much time to spend with Len anyway. So part of me is glad they will get to spend some time together away from everything and hopefully settle whatever the hell has been going on with Jim. That will take a huge load off of Len's mind if they do. If they don't and they come back worse than they were -- I don't know what I'll do honestly.
I think it will be okay. They've talked a couple times the last few days and Jim actually called me to make sure it was really okay if he and Len took their little trip. He seemed a little wary, but I think I did a good job of convincing him. We even made plans to have brunch, all three of us together on Sunday. I'm trying. I'm really trying. And honestly, the more I write it down here, and hell, I even talked to Len about it a bit -- Well, it helps. I'm even thinking of talking to Philip or Richard about it some. Maybe trying to not always work things out on my own. We'll see if I actually go through with it, but Len is right what he said to me on one of our walks. It wouldn't kill me to talk to someone else -- Someone I trust. I do trust Philip and Richard and who knows, it might help. It certainly can't hurt.
With the Enterprise delayed though, Len and I will have the weekend at home and I can't complain about getting extra time with him. Thank God for diplomatic delays and neutral zone treaties that limit our presence there. So until the Excalibur has signed the neutral zone treaty with the Wambaxians and Capins, the Enterprise is on hold.
Well, I have some calls to make and I am attempting to make peach cobbler to surprise Len with when he gets home. I know it won't be as good as his mother's, but hopefully it will be good. I want his last night here -- our last night here -- to be memorable.
Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike
It's almost 0200 and Len is sleeping. Obviously I'm awake. I did sleep for a few hours, but woke up a bit ago and am too wired about going back to headquarters and work. I always get like this. I've enjoyed my time here with Len immensely -- Hell, that doesn't even begin to describe it. It's been incredible and while I came here with my boyfriend, or partner, I'm leaving with my fiancé and that alone is immeasurable.
My peach cobbler was a hit last night. I invited Mark in to join us and we sat in the sun room enjoying that and ice cream before Mark had to leave to head back. I did behave myself and I have to admit that Mark is a great guy and I just really need to get over my cave man mentality when it comes to Len.
After, we took a final walk in the dark around the house with a lantern, we watched the stars drift in and out of the clouds from the hammock before heading back and making a final sweep of the house to make sure we hadn't forgot to pack something.
We went to bed surprisingly early; it was only 2030. Not that we went to sleep. Len had the need to claim me in the family bed once more, and who was I to refuse? God, I love that man. He makes me feel so much more than I ever thought I was capable of feeling. I never thought it was possible to need someone like I need him. That doesn't scare me as much as it used to, either. We seem to have reached a comfort level with each other -- an intimacy that is just so natural and easy.
I think we've made huge strides in our relationship. I'm not just talking about my proposal. Some of the issues we had at the beginning of our relationship -- Len's fear of infidelity mostly, his constant need to put himself down -- they barely exist anymore. I think we talked about fidelity once this entire trip and it was more me just asking him how he was with that and me reminding him that I'm his and don't want anyone else. Ever. We're learning -- or more like I'm learning -- to listen and to think of him first. It's not an automatic reaction yet -- I have to literally stop myself from doing things at times and consider how it would impact Len. A couple times the last two days, I made plans for our trip home for the engagement party and actually talked to him first before I confirmed them. The look on his face when I asked and how good I felt after -- Damn, it makes me feel like I'm part of something. I know that sounds strange, but in some ways I've still been on my own in this relationship, if that makes sense. I will leave here in a few hours feeling, I don't know, settled I guess is a good word. Settled and happy. Incredibly happy.
Two years ago I was still in an autochair, in massive amounts of pain, wondering if I even still had a life to live. I can honestly say that Len gave me my life back not just with his brilliance as a doctor, but with his generosity, caring, and most of all the love he gave to this half-bitter old man who didn't think love truly existed. I still say time and time again that I don't deserve him. I know that. I remind myself of that every day and thank God that he's in my life. I finally am starting to feel like I have earned this -- This love, this life. No words can explain what that feels like. I look down at the ring that now rests on my left hand and it feels -- Everything just feels like it's the way it should be.
Well, I'm going to head back to bed and curl up with Len until we have to get up. Everything is ready. We just have to throw toiletries in the small bag we kept to hold the few things we didn't ship home. In a couple hours, we will put our uniforms back on and return to reality. I'm going to miss this place -- but I know I'll be back. We'll be back. To make more wonderful memories, and make this into our home.
Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy
Well, we're back in San Francisco. I've got kind of mixed feelings about it. It means shore leave is almost over and I'm dreading the separation from Chris. But the last couple weeks have been pretty intense and I know we couldn't sustain that level of interaction. I don't think either of us would want to -- it would get pretty exhausting. It was also good to go back to Georgia and face some of those demons, but there's a little bit of relief in leaving again. At least I don't have that feeling of dread about the place like I used to.
But I've got to admit, mostly what's on my mind at this moment is Jim. Whatever the hell is going on with him, or with us, or whatever it is, we've got to hash it out. I think -- I hope -- that we can do that over these next couple days. It feels wrong, in a way, to give up a couple of the precious days that I have with Chris in order to go off with Jim, when I'm going to spend every day with him for the next six months in a flying sardine can. But at the same time, Jim and I need some time together, away from the Enterprise, if there's any chance of getting things between us how they used to be.
I'm getting ahead of myself, though. We beamed to San Fran early this morning -- too goddamned early, if you ask me, but Chris had set a briefing meeting with his bridge crew for some ungodly hour, so we had to be back. At least having my molecules scrambled and sent halfway around the world wasn't as bad as usual since I was too groggy to worry. Much.
I got some of the administrative crap I've got to do in preparation for the Enterprise's departure out of the way while Chris was in his meeting. He was still gone when I was done, or at least by the time I couldn't take any more paperwork, so I got into bed and took a nap. Chris woke me up when he got back to the apartment by climbing into bed naked with me and fucking me stupid. I was still half-asleep for a lot of it, and at first I couldn't quite tell dream from reality. It was strange, but definitely in a good way. I'm really going to miss waking up next to Chris. He's pretty frisky in the morning.
Hell, he's pretty frisky all the time. Between the amount of rest he got in Georgia and the long rambles we took all around the property, not to mention finally complying with his drug regimen, he's in absolute peak physical condition. It's all I can do to keep up with him. Not that I'm complaining -- I love every minute. He keeps me on my toes, that's for damn sure.
After we got cleaned up and got something to eat, we headed out for the Federation Day ceremonies. They'd already started, but we didn't miss too much. In years past, it was just a boring day with politicians droning on and on, and pointless parades full of god-awful tacky floats and kids twirling batons. It's different now. With Vulcan gone, and the Federation in such a weak position, it's more... I don't know, solemn, I guess. More meaningful, for sure. I know it's harder for Chris than for me -- so many of his colleagues and friends aren't there anymore; they perished at Vulcan or over the years on other missions. He was pretty quiet, and when we stood for the memorial readings, he gripped my hand tight, between us where no one else could see.
We met up with Jim after the speeches -- he put in an appearance because he had to, but he took off as soon as he could. I don't blame him. For someone as seemingly egocentric as he is, he really hates being the center of attention, at least for something like this. They -- the Starfleet brass -- were touting him as the "savior of the federation," and, of course, rehashing all the stuff about his being the son of a martyred hero as well. Chris and I tried to be a buffer for him as much as we could, deflect at least some of the fawning attention. I don't know how well it worked, but I think he was grateful. His mom had said she'd try to make it this year, but she didn't end up showing. I know Jim was disappointed, but he wasn't surprised. One good thing came out of that, though -- Chris was back to his old self around Jim, acting protective and paternal. And Jim was feeling vulnerable enough that he welcomed it. It was good to see them getting back to how they used to be together.
There's celebrations going on into the night, barbecues and fireworks and parties, but neither of us was really in the mood for any of that, so we came back here. We've been puttering around the apartment, not really doing anything particular, just being together.
I'm packed and ready for my trip with Jim. Just a few clothes and toiletries -- Jim said he'd take care of everything else we'll need. Not that we should need much, since the cabin Chris arranged for us is supposed to be fully stocked. Chris is already going into work mode, making some vidcomms and going over the supply manifests for the Exeter. It's how he deals with things. Right now he's dealing with the emotions from the ceremonies today, and the prospect of me going off with Jim for a few days. No matter how much he says it's fine, and I do believe that he's more all right with it than he would have been previously -- well, it's still not easy for him. Anyway, he's sending out definite "do not disturb" signals, so I'm writing this entry, just waiting for Jim to come pick me up.
In fact, I hear him now, so I'll sign off.
Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy
Well, Jim's asleep. I slipped him a mild sedative in his beer at dinner. Not enough to knock him out, just enough to let his existing fatigue take over. I feel guilty about that, but not so much that I regret it. He needed the sleep, and he utterly refused to listen to reason about it. I'm sure he'll figure it out and rip me a new one in the morning, but that's a small price to pay.
I just got off the comm with Chris, said good night, but he was at Philip and Allen's place for their Federation Day party, and in the middle of a conversation with Admiral Barnett, so I kept it short. He doesn't really show his feelings when there are other people around, so the conversation was kind of stilted. I wish we could've had a few minutes to actually talk, but at the same time, I'm glad he was out instead of shutting himself up alone at home.
That's pretty much what I thought he was going to do when I left earlier today with Jim. Chris barely looked at me when I said goodbye, just kissed me once and then turned away to go back into his study. It hurt some, but I know that's how he deals with emotion, especially anything he views as weakness. I'm going to make damn sure we have a better goodbye when it's time for us to go back to our respective ships, though.
On the hovercab ride to the beaming site, Jim and I didn't talk much, mostly just traded a few quips and small talk. Jim told me a bit about his travels in Asia -- and I'm sure it was a much-edited version since he knows it'd turn my hair white to hear about the crazy-ass stunts he no doubt pulled. I didn't want to bring up anything serious since Jim doesn't do well when he feels trapped. I figured we could talk at the cabin; that way if he needed to storm off and think about things he could.
Once we beamed into the park, it took us a couple hours to get to the cabin, get unpacked and settled. It was actually really quiet and peaceful. I was surprised; I expected lots of other people to be there, but I guess most people were taking part in various Federation Day celebrations instead of communing with nature. I'm glad, though -- last thing Jim needs is more crowds.
Once we got settled we grilled some steaks for dinner -- well, Jim grilled while I put together a salad and boiled some fresh corn on the cob. He grumbled about me and my obsession with vegetables, but he ate it all, a large side salad along with an enormous steak and two ears of corn. He needs the calories, that's for sure. Over dinner, I told him that I wanted to say something, and I wanted him to listen but not respond until the next day. I made him promise. He was wary, but he agreed. I told him that I'd talked to Chris, and that we both wanted to complete our tours and then do another five-year tour. On our current ships. So for the next eight years, barring unforeseen disaster, Chris'll be commanding the Exeter and I'll be serving as CMO on the Enterprise with Jim. I told him that that's my choice as well as Chris's, it's the way we both want it, and so for the next eight years he's not getting rid of me, come hell or high water. Despite his promise, he immediately opened his big mouth to say something, but I shut him up with a look. His jaw snapped shut. Good to know my glare hasn't lost any power over him over the years I've known him.
Anyway, he mimed zipping up his lips and the rest of dinner was pretty quiet. I could tell he was mulling it over and wanted desperately to say something, but I'm glad he didn't. Sometimes he needs to consider things rather than just going off half-cocked. When he got up for seconds, I doctored his beer, and that was pretty much all she wrote. He finished dinner and then could barely keep his eyes open so I told him to go to bed and I'd clean up.
I'm pretty tired myself. It's been a long day. I think I'll turn in.
Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike
I've been staring at this blank page for the better part of an hour while I work here in my office at HQ, not sure what to say. I suppose the beginning is a good place, so here we go.
I know I arranged for Len and Jim to have a cabin, but I guess I didn't expect Len to leave so soon and stay so long. Not that it's really long; they left late yesterday afternoon, and are coming back Saturday morning. I know they need it. I know it's important for Len. Knowing these things and how they make me feel are significantly different. It's just after having Len with me, sleeping with him every night -- well, last night didn't go very well.
I'm ahead of myself again. Jim came by at about 1530. I was working in my office when I heard him come in. He was in civvies and looking even thinner and more worn out than when I saw him earlier. He smiled when he saw that we'd unpacked the wine and had a bottle open on the counter. I told him it was really good and that when he came back, he should take a bottle for himself. He gave me a tired grin and nodded. He told Bones he had a hover cab waiting downstairs to take them to the transporter and I told him to have a good time and he left to give me some privacy to say goodbye to Len.
Damn, that was tough. It was all I could do not to ask him to say. Instead, I put on my indifferent facade and other than a firm, but lingering kiss, I might as well have been bidding a colleague goodbye. I then dove back into the work I was doing, trying not to think about it. I worked for about two hours and was surprised when my door chimed.
I mentioned to Philip and Allen at the festivities that Len was taking off with Jim for a couple of days -- Well, they sent over the one person they know I can't say no to: Kianna. She whisked me off to her parents' place where they had about fifty people over, including Richard and his family. We sat in the backyard and ate and then watched fireworks over the bay.
Richard saw me looking at my comm every five minutes during the fireworks, and asked me to take a walk with him after they were over. Since it was after 2200, I said my goodbyes and then we walked along the water for awhile. Of course Len called to say goodnight during my walk. He didn't say much. He said the cabin was great and they grilled steaks for dinner. Jim was already in bed asleep thanks to a sedative Len put in his beer. I wanted to ask him if they had talked; I wanted to ask him a lot of things, but I didn't. He was glad I was out and he seemed tired so I didn't keep him.
Richard and I found a bench to sit on, and remembering my promise to myself in Georgia to actually 'talk' to one of my friends, I told Richard an abbreviated version of what a jealous asshole I was about Jim. What I didn't expect was for him shake his head at me, smile, and tell me that he'd be surprised if I wasn't jealous. I swear, just hearing that from someone I've known so long, someone I respect, made me feel better. He also told me a story from early in his marriage. His wife had a male best friend that she'd known from her first year of college. They were inseparable. Granted, her best friend was one hundred percent only interested in men, but Richard told me it almost ended their relationship more than once over his jealousy. When I asked him what he did, he told me it came down to a simple choice. He could learn to live with her friend, and how close they were, or lose her forever.
Thinking back, it occurred to me they had an exceptionally long engagement. I asked him if that was why and he nodded. He reassured me that while it isn't easy, like he said, it's really pretty simple. He didn't want to lose Annette. I asked him if he really got over it, and he laughed and said, who do you think took my wife home after I left with you. Yes, once again, I'd failed to put two and two together that their friend William was that guy Richard was so ridiculously jealous of.
I have to admit, it helped. It helped a lot. Because I've seen William at all the family gatherings over the years and how they interact. And I honestly wouldn't know that he had almost come between them so many years ago. It gave me hope. And he's right, it is simple. I don't want to lose Len. Heck, I don't want to lose Jim either. He told me I could talk to him anytime I needed to. He told me that's what helped him the most. Simply talking about it, and not to your partner. Not that you hide it, but just that I shouldn't tell Len every time how much it's bothering me. It's not even about trust. I know Len would never cheat on me. I even know Jim would never do anything like that to me. Richard says to just keep talking about to him, and then he even suggested I write in a journal about it if I needed to. I had to chuckle at that. No, I didn't tell him I already keep a journal, but I always do feel better after I've written about it here. Why has it been so hard for me to figure out myself?
I had a hard time sleeping last night. I could smell Len in our bed. Smell our lovemaking from yesterday morning. When I did sleep, it was fitfully. I finally gave up at 0400 and went to the gym and swam in the pool. Then I came into work.
It's only 1130 and I swear I've looked at my comm about a hundred times today. It's not like I even expect him to call until tonight. He knows I have busy days planned, and I do. Heck, I typed part of this entry while on a conference comm with the Vulcan Colony and right now I'm sitting in a virtual meeting with eight federation ambassadors.
I must be getting pretty bad though, as Richard just messaged me from across the table to tell me that my face looked like I'd swallowed something sour and to stop pouting. When I looked over at him, he was hiding a grin, but I swear I felt like a kindergartener being called out in class.
Jesus. I need to get a grip. At this rate, the newsnets will give me a new nickname of 'Pouting Pike'. While it may be deserved -- Fuck, why am I even contemplating this?
It's going to be a long couple of days until Saturday. God help anyone who has to deal with me.
On to Part 32