Sky (skyblue_reverie) wrote,

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Trek Fic: Shining With All His Might (Pike/McCoy, R)

Title: Shining With All His Might (Part 27 of To Talk of Many Things)
Authors: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Rating: R-ish
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: Around 6000
Summary: The correspondence and journals of Christopher Pike and Leonard McCoy. Summer days in Georgia.
A/N: From skyblue_reverie: I'd like to apologize for this. IT'S ALL HER FAULT. mga1999: Yes, yes, it is ALL MY FAULT. *evol laugh*

Click here for series masterlist with links to all prior parts

Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike

Tuesday 2260.177

Nothing much happened today. After the misunderstanding yesterday, we had a pretty lazy day. I will say, though, that I'm relieved that I didn't screw up my recovery. I don't think Len is going to ever trust me again when it comes to my health, and rightfully so. That might not be a bad thing, but it's one inevitable effect of having a relationship with a doctor, especially a brilliant one.

Len was already up when I woke up this morning. I could hear him puttering around in the kitchen. Honestly, I could have rolled over and gone back to sleep, but I figured if he was cooking for me, I should get up. I slipped into my jeans and grabbed a t-shirt and sauntered downstairs. As expected, he was slicing peaches and had waffle batter ready.

I have to admit, I love these little -- Well, I guess you would call them domestic moments. I think I stood in the doorway and just watched him for a minute or two before he looked up and noticed me. The smile he gave me, and the 'Mornin' Darlin' -- God, what that man does to me.

We had a quiet breakfast in the sunroom. I think that's my favorite room in the house, full of overstuffed chairs and the couch with a view of the trees around the property. It's just beautiful. I fell asleep shortly after I ate, just lounging on the couch. That is why I stopped taking some of the meds. I feel like I'm sleeping away our time together. I almost wish I was back to the weeks when I wasn't able to sleep at all. Of course, the stress it was putting on my body, not to mention the fact that I was losing my mind -- I wouldn't want that part back. Now that I'm with Len, I'm so relaxed that -- Well, the meds all work like they should have in the first place.

I'm not complaining -- Oh who am I kidding, yes I am. I don't like not feeling in control. And the last two years I've felt anything but. I know I still need time after this last surgery. And I know it's a miracle that I'm walking and that I'm not a vegetable. I know these things. It just doesn't make it any easier when I only have a little more than a week left with the man I love and won't see him for another six months or more. And that isn't even guaranteed.

We spent the morning walking the property. Well, some of it anyway. I think Len knew how tired I was so he kept us pretty close to the house in every direction. He did show me the stream, and we walked through the fruit orchards. We definitely need to get them up and running again. We talked about that some. I told him Annie would love to finish renovating the main house. We talked about converting one of the outbuildings to hire a full time caretaker too. I didn't push though, but I know he likes the idea.

When we walked by the barn and the stables -- Well, I could see the look in his eyes, remembering when there were animals there. I told him that if we hired staff, we could look into doing that again. He looked wistful and I know it's hard for him to decide what to do here. He's still finding his place here -- making peace with everything. I know it's not going to happen during this trip. He needs more time, but at least it's a start.

After walking around the property for a few hours, I was tired. We ate lunch, and then I went upstairs and slept -- Until dinner time. I was pretty mad that I slept that long. When I got up, I found Len in the study writing a paper of some sort for Starfleet Medical. I apologized for sleeping so long, and he looked at me and told me that he wouldn't care if I slept the entire time we're here if it means I'll be 100% healthy again. The worst part is that I know he means it.

I wasn't really hungry, so he took my hand and led me outside. He picked up a lantern from the front porch and we walked around to the back where the big hammock he told me about rests between two huge trees. He put the light down on the ground and we climbed in, laughing as we nearly fell off until we got it balanced right and we were lying side by side.

You forget how beautiful the night sky is outside the city. How many stars there really are in the sky. There are even more here than in the desert it seems. We rocked peacefully in the hammock while he told me a few stories from his childhood, and how he'd studied for his medical boards lying in this hammock when he was home from school.

We went back to the house and had a late dinner. I still wasn't very hungry so we just had salads with some grilled chicken tossed in at his insistence, so I'd get my protein. There isn't a screen in the house to watch movies, believe it or not. I guess the old one they had in the family room broke shortly after his father died, and Len never replaced it. I told him we'd be rectifying that, and when he was busy cleaning up after dinner, I grabbed my PADD and ordered one for the family room and a couple other small ones for around the house.

For awhile, we both sat in chairs working away on our PADDs. I was approving/disapproving various things for the Exeter while Len was writing some more. About the third time he saw me yawn, he set his PADD down and mine too and grabbed my hand and led me upstairs. This time when he undressed me there was no sex. Just a bit of kissing before we curled up, him spooning behind me as I fell asleep.

Unfortunately, I only slept a couple of hours before a nightmare woke me. Luckily, I didn't wake Len up, so I came downstairs to get my PADD and write this entry while I try to chase the thoughts from the dream away. That's only the second nightmare I've ever had when I've been with Len. I used to think he kept them away from me. The first one was bad -- It was when I was on the Enterprise for its inspection, and I woke up screaming and scared him half to death. This one wasn't -- Well, I wasn't so violent when I woke up, thank god.

It's close to midnight now and I'm sleepy again, so I'm going to head back to bed. I think we're going into Atlanta tomorrow. He mentioned wanting to visit the lawyer's office to take care of some things with the house. Maybe we can stay in the city and do a bit of sightseeing for the day. I've never really explored Atlanta before and I'm sure there are a lot of places that he can share with me.

Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy

Wednesday 2260.178

Yesterday was heavenly. We just relaxed and stayed around the house most of the day, did a little walking around the grounds, but nothing too exciting. I could spend our entire leave like that and not get bored. Chris, though -- well, I think he was getting restless by the end of the day. I think the downtime did us both some good, though. I feel like we're both a little more relaxed than we were. We haven't spent a lot of time together, just us with nothing on the agenda. I hope we get to do more of it.

Today was many things, most of them good, but relaxing wasn't one of them. We spent the day in Atlanta. We started with an 0900 appointment at my lawyer's office, so I could review and sign my new estate paperwork. I also added Chris to the title on the Georgia property. It's a little scary, I've got to admit. It's a break with tradition, because through the generations, the blood McCoy in the relationship has always held sole title. It's the only thing of any value that I own, and in some ways it's an integral part of who I am. I never would've considered adding Joss to the deed. But with Chris, it feels like the right decision. Part of it, I'm sure, is that he's bringing so much to the relationship materially that I want to feel like I'm giving him something too, something of real value. Then also, there's part of me that wants to prove how committed I am to him. As confident as he is in every other area, he seems to need that reassurance that I'm in this for the long haul. And, since it's my damn journal and I might as well be totally honest, I'm hoping that it might help alleviate some of the jealousy that I know he still feels about Jim. This is something that I'm sharing with Chris, and Chris alone. I might someday have Jim out as a guest, but to give Chris joint ownership of my only home -- I hope he knows what a huge goddamn deal that is for me. He's got other properties and sometimes I worry that he looks at this one as just another asset.

Anyway, after the lawyer's office, we did some sightseeing. We toured a historic home that survived the devastation of World War III, and visited the Martin Luther King, Jr. memorial, where his home and the church he preached at used to stand. Then I insisted that we sit down and have lunch. We spent the afternoon shopping and walking around downtown. That was where we ran into Jocelyn.

What are the odds? I'm sure Spock could give me an exact figure, but even I know that they're pretty damn low. For god's sake, it's a city of millions. I purposely stayed out of the High Museum because I didn't want to see her; turns out she doesn't even work there anymore. Let me back up.

Chris was talking to me about picking out some artwork for the place in San Francisco. It's a bit bare, could use some touches to make it feel more like home to both of us. We happened to be walking by an art gallery, so we decided to stop in. Well, who should be running the place but Jocelyn. And, as was immediately damn obvious, she's very pregnant.

It was an odd experience. I expected it to be... I don't know, different than it was somehow. Awkward, or antagonistic, or difficult. But it wasn't, not really. We were surprised to see each other, naturally. I didn't know whether to shake her hand or hug her when we first saw each other, but Chris had a death grip on my arm, so in the end I did neither. We did the "hello" and "fancy meeting you here" thing, and I introduced Chris. I congratulated her on the pregnancy and asked when she was due. She's going to be having a little boy in October. She left her job at the High about two years ago, has been managing the gallery ever since. I guess the pay's better and the hours are more reasonable. She and Clay are doing well, or so she says.

Chris turned his charisma to full blast and charmed the socks off of her, but I could tell he wasn't entirely thrilled. Good lord, there's so much going on right now that we're dealing with, this was just another thing piled on top that we really didn't need. Of course, he had to demonstrate his status as my partner or, I don't know, show her how happy we are together or something. Not that I objected, but I definitely wouldn't've stayed to talk as long as he did. He had her take us through the whole damn gallery and tell us about the artists' work.

He kept his hand on me in a proprietary way the entire time and kept asking me my opinion. At one point he said "Do you think this would look good in our bedroom?" I just chuckled and told him that he was the one with the artistic eye, and that as long as I got to wake up to the sight of his face, I didn't give a damn what was hanging on the walls. I swear he blushed just a bit when I said that. Not so much that anyone else would notice, but I certainly did. It was the cutest goddamn thing I've ever seen.

I'd pretty much forgotten Joss was even there, until she said something about another piece of art. I caught her looking at me a bit strangely. I couldn't read her face, quite. It wasn't hostile, though. More... I don't know, maybe a little sad, or relieved, or a mix of both. Or maybe I'm projecting and that's how I was feeling. I do know that my anger is pretty much gone. And a lot of the bitterness too. Not completely; not sure it'll ever go away completely, but seeing her, well, it didn't make me steaming mad the way it used to towards the end of the marriage and during the divorce.

And seeing her pregnant -- well, it's a little tough. It brings back memories, and it brings back old wishes and dreams that we had together. But it's not nearly as bad as I would have expected. And I'm genuinely glad for her. I think she and Clay will be good parents, and that's not something I would've expected to ever be able to admit, even to myself.

I'm sure it helps that I've got Chris. Hell, I'm sure it's almost entirely because I've got Chris. I've moved on. I'm actually happy now, happier than I'd been with Joss for years, if ever. Despite all the crap that Chris and I have been through, or maybe because of it, we're good together. Solid. We suit each other down to the ground. I feel confident in our relationship, and in my ability to lean on Chris, in a way I'm not sure I ever had with Jocelyn. And if she has that now with Clay, well, I can't begrudge her that.

Of course, since Joss has proper Southern manners, she saw us off with an invitation to dinner at some unspecified future date. I was about to give the proper Southern response of a vague "Oh, absolutely, we'd love to do that someday," which of course would turn out to be never. But Chris, who doesn't know the secret code, interrupted and said "Oh, I don't think we'll be able to. Sorry." Of course he wasn't sorry, and of course it was hopelessly gauche, but he's a California boy, and thus by definition uncivilized, so we make allowances. Joss and I looked at each other and I knew we were both thinking the same thing, and it was so strange. A moment of connection, like old times. Then it was gone, and we said goodbye, and I walked out with Chris, so glad that it was him by my side instead of her.

Good god, he was all over me the rest of the afternoon. Kept his hand on the small of my back, touched me to rearrange my hair or brush lint off my shirt or any other reason he could think of. It's embarrassing to admit, but I loved it. I loved every moment of it. Feeling like he wanted me so much, wanted to show everyone that I'm his. Lord, that sounds pathetic, but it's the truth. At one point, he pulled me into a side alley, pushed me up against a wall, and started kissing me, hard. His arms were braced on either side of me, and I was holding onto his hips, and god knows how far it would've gone, but I heard a noise, and when I turned my head to look there was a photographer, and he was busy taking holo-shots of me and Chris making out like horny teenagers.

Chris started cursing and would've gone after the guy, but I held him back. Last thing we need is for assault charges to be filed against Chris. Let 'em have their pictures. I'm not ashamed of what we were doing. I asked Chris if he was, and good god, the look he gave me nearly melted my clothes off. He said of course he wasn't, and that anyone who saw the photos was going to be jealous of him for having such a gorgeous lover. I said nah, they'd be jealous of me for having such a gorgeous lover. We argued back and forth about that, and it lightened the mood.

We ended up staying in the city through dinner. We ate at an incredible restaurant, one of those old-fashioned revolving places at the top of the highest building in Atlanta, the Peachtree Tower. The views were beautiful, and the restaurant was definitely romantic. Live music, fresh flowers, dim lighting, the works. I've never eaten there before but I've always heard about it, and it definitely lived up to the billing. God, the way Chris looked, and the way he looked at me, I'm surprised I was able to breathe properly, much less eat a meal and carry on a conversation. There was a dance floor, and after dinner he asked me to dance, and he spoke to the band and got them to play something just for us. It was familiar, slow and hypnotic, and dancing with him with the stars and the lights of Atlanta all around us, feeling his strong arms and breathing his scent -- I think it was one of the best moments of my entire life. It was pure bliss and total contentment.

After that, we went home. I told him that I wanted to have kids with him someday. I've been thinking about it a lot over the past several months, and suddenly it just felt right. He was so damn thrilled. We made love, slow and steady and perfect. He fell asleep right afterward but I'm too keyed up to sleep yet. I think maybe I'll take a drink out onto the porch and just let the sounds of a summer night in Georgia lull me for a while.

Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike

Thursday 2260.179

It's a beautiful summer morning here in Georgia. Len has gone for a run so I'm taking care of some 'fleet business and writing this entry in the downstairs study.

I don't even know where to start about yesterday. I didn't really think anything of it when I took care of all the legal stuff back home, but going with Len, and watching him add my name to the deed to this house and update his will and other things -- It hit me that we're really sharing our lives now. Completely. I'm now officially sitting in our house. Legally, it's just as much mine as it is his. That's -- Well, it's damn overwhelming. I'll even admit, I had a moment of panic. I don't think Len noticed, at least I hope he didn't.

It's scary as hell being this -- well, entwined with someone I guess is the best way to describe it. I know that sounds a little weird since I have in fact been married before, but hell, I don't know what to say. Even though I was married, we were very separate in almost everything. The house we lived in was solely mine. I ended up giving it to her in the divorce. I had bought that house before I even met her. It was part of my plan for getting the wife and having the kids. I didn't want it after. I had always had a small one-bedroom in the building where I own my apartment now, and had kept it when I got married. After the divorce, I sold that and bought the two-bedroom with den that I have now -- There was no reason to, but I guess at the time I just wanted a change. It had a bigger balcony, and the kitchen was twice as big.

I love it though, and probably will never give it up, even when I retire. I like having a place in the heart of the city. San Francisco is as much my home as Mojave is. It seems more so now with Len living there with me. I've started thinking a lot about redoing it. I really want him to feel like it's his, to make it ours. In some ways, we have the best of both of our lives. He has this beautiful place here in Georgia that reflects him, or really, his family. I have the place in Mojave that I have completely made mine and I can't wait to share it with him.

I really enjoyed Atlanta with him today except for one part I'll get to later. There is so much history there, hundreds and hundreds of years. I loved seeing the historic houses, some that are still standing from the American civil war era. To me that's amazing. And the house I sit in now is part of history. I talked to him more about making some major renovations and repairs, and he's not as opposed to it as I thought he'd be. He surprised me all day yesterday. While I can see him stare wistfully at something in the house, or on the grounds, there isn't the sorrow that seems to have plagued him for so long. I think being here has done wonders for him.

The most interesting part of yesterday -- Oh hell, who I am I kidding. This is my damn journal and I'm going soft in it. I met the ex-wife yesterday. Fuck, I did not like that. At all. I'm pretty sure Len was well aware of that fact. And it's a good thing she was knocked up because otherwise I probably would not have been the charming man I pretended to be through very gritted teeth. Len was right though, Jocelyn is pretty plain. Not at all what I expected -- I figured Len was just being modest since he still doesn't see how good-looking he is. Don't get me wrong, she's not ugly or anything, I guess I just pictured her being a little more sophisticated than she actually was. Maybe I really don't have to worry about what he'll think once my looks are gone. Oh hell, when did I become so damn insecure?

Still, of all the damn galleries we'd walked by, we have to walk into one that she runs. I held on to Len so tightly -- I was worried about him, especially since she was pregnant. God, it seemed so unfair. Len was amazing though. He was so much calmer than I was -- And when he told me after we left that it really didn't bother him, I realized that he really has moved on, and he's happy with me. That was quite a jolt to my system when it really hit me that I make him happier than she ever did. It made me feel pretty damn good.

I couldn't keep my hands off him after that. There was a moment when we walked by a hotel and I wanted to take him in and get a room and have my way with him. I settled for pulling him down an alley and kissing the hell out of him. I probably would have done a lot more than that if the goddamn photographer hadn't interrupted us. I was furious and completely out of control, and about to go after him. Luckily, Len was calmer and kept me from doing anything stupid. The photog took off, but he already has what he wanted: pics of us heavily making out against the wall.

I thought Len would be upset, but he actually laughed it off. He told me he wasn't ashamed of what we did, and I think I just stared at him -- Fuck, I could not have been more in love with that man at that moment. When I realized he expected an answer from me, I offered to show him that I wasn't ashamed one bit. Reason prevailed, though, and we walked out of the alley hand in hand arguing over -- God, I can't even write it here. It was a bit ridiculous.

We did more walking after that. Ended up in another gallery where I did buy a couple of paintings for our apartment. I did like the paintings in the gallery where Jocelyn worked, but -- I just couldn't buy them for our place. I didn't want to see them up in our apartment and be reminded of her. I'm pretty sure Dr. Rossen would say that was immature of me -- Maybe it is. I did purchase one of the more expensive pieces at Jocelyn's gallery and had it sent to Annie, as a thank you for everything she did in Georgia. Granted, I was probably immature in doing that too, since I just wanted to throw some credits around in front of Jocelyn.

The trip to the city ended with a fabulous dinner in a high rise restaurant overlooking the city. I had slipped dress jackets and ties into the trunk when Len was in the shower in the morning. I called my mother to find out where I should take Len for a nice dinner. Leave it to my mother to pick out someplace -- dare I say romantic? I should have known better, but it makes her happy when I ask for help like that. Len and I had a wonderful time. Truly. The restaurant was beautiful. The food was delicious, and we were catered to by the wait staff. I even got to dance with Len. I don't think I've ever had -- No, I know I've never had a better evening with anyone. It couldn't have been more perfect.

Afterwards, I'll admit, I was pretty worn out. Luckily, Len seemed full of energy, so he drove us back out to his -- I mean our -- place. I think I slept the entire hour, but I was glad I did. We went upstairs to our bedroom when we got home. He went straight for the med kit and gave me all of my meds. I went to use the bathroom and change and when I came back out, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring off into space. It worried me for a minute, but when he sensed me, he turned and got up and held his hand out to me and walked me over to the little room attached to the master bedroom.

I had no idea what was going on. He stood behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist, chin on my shoulder as he told me that this room had been his nursery for the first year or so of his life and then when he moved into his childhood bedroom, it became his mother's 'notion' room where she had an old fashioned sewing machine and crafts and such. It was empty now, except for the old machine and a bunch of storage containers. Nothing prepared me for what he said next, though.

He told me that he thought it might be nice for it to be a nursery again someday, and that he wanted that with me when we were ready and the time was right. I turned in his arms, in shock, not quite believing what he was saying. In fact, I think I stuttered, asking him if he meant what I thought he meant. He just laughed and smiled and nodded and then grabbed my face and kissed me.

I asked him why all of a sudden, and he said it's been a gradual thing, and since he had delivered that baby, he'd been thinking about it a lot more. He said he knew he was ready after seeing Jocelyn today -- I'll admit I didn't like that part, but he told me it made him realize that he is past all of that, and seeing her pregnant didn't really hurt as much as he would have expected it to. He said he would always grieve for the little girl he never got a chance to have, but he couldn't imagine not being able to share bringing a baby, our baby, into the world with me someday.

There were tears in both of our eyes when he was done, and we held each other there in that doorway for a moment. Then he pulled back and kissed me again and led me over to the bed. We made love, slowly, gently, but the need he had for me and me for him was so overwhelming. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. He came inside me and then sucked me off, and I swear I saw stars when I came. I was exhausted after that, physically and emotionally. He held me and I fell asleep and slept for almost ten hours.

I'm not sure what we're doing today. When we were at dinner last night, we discussed making a plan for getting the house and grounds -- Well, making it our own. Len says there is some furniture he wants to keep, but otherwise, he seems to be all for it. So we'll probably do that the rest of the morning, catalog what he wants to keep and what he wants to move to one of the outbuildings etc. I told him he needs to be specific before we let Annie loose and he laughed. I have a feeling Annie and Len will be doing a lot of comming in the next year, but I have to admit, it was great to see the sparkle in his eye when we stood in this room before he went out for his run. We talked about converting it so we each have an office set up in here.

The weather forecast says there is a storm moving in late tonight. It's brought a little bit cooler air, so I think after I get some more work done, I'll suggest we take a picnic lunch out to that big tree by the stream.

Well, I just heard the screen door shut, so Len must be back from his run. I think I'm going to go join him in the shower.

Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy

Thursday 2260.179

Chris is sacked out again, after he surprised me by joining me in the shower. I know he resents every minute of sleep, but his body needs it, and I'm just goddamn glad that he's finally getting to rest and recover. It's a peaceful sleep, too - I can see from here his forehead is smooth, not furrowed the way it is when he's only half-sleeping and half-cogitating on some damn thing or other.

The time we've had together this shore leave -- things are moving so quickly. He's a co-owner of this home now, the McCoy family estate, such as it is. I told him I want to have a baby with him at some point, and we looked at the nursery together. We're talking about bringing this place into the modern era, and converting spaces into offices for both of us. He's already ordered vidscreens for practically every room, which made me roll my eyes, but he was happy as a pig in mud unpacking and installing them earlier this morning, so I don't have the heart to tease him. Well, not much. Anyway. I've met his parents, he met Jocelyn, we've both now mentioned the word "forever." We've fought and dealt with it and moved on. We're picking out artwork - unbelievably expensive artwork, at that -- for our place in San Francisco. Everything we're doing is moving us in one direction -- permanence.

I feel like I should be panicking, but I'm just... not. I probably ought to be worried about that -- hell, I worry about every other damn thing -- but for once I'm just going to go with it and enjoy it. I'm sure I'm tempting fate into some truly horrible cosmic punishment by daring to hope that things will continue to go well. Well, so be it. Chris makes me happy and I'm damn well going to let myself be happy, for once in my goddamn life.

He wanted to have a picnic lunch, so I'm going to go throw some food together while he's sleeping. I'll take him to the spot where I lost my virginity -- I know he particularly wanted to see that spot so he could re-christen it. So to speak. Oh good lord, what an awful pun. Anyway, I'd better tuck the lube in the picnic basket while I'm thinking about it. I'll write more later.

Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike

Thursday 2260.179


I've really done it now. We were just supposed to have a nice quiet picnic by the stream. The weather was beautiful; there was a light wind blowing. Len made up sandwiches and put the pasta salad Annie had made for us in covered bowls. We sat on a blanket, listening to the water and the wind. It was perfect.

After we ate, we just enjoyed the weather, and each other's company. Len sat propped up against the tree reading a book on his PADD and I did the same, my head on his hip lying crossways. He ran his hand through my hair as I read, and eventually it lulled me to sleep.

I didn't sleep long. Maybe a half hour or so. When I woke up, he was still reading, completely engrossed in whatever it was. His hand was still in my hair, but not moving anymore. I felt so content -- Everything felt so right. I turned my head slightly to get his attention and when his eyes locked with mine, something inside me snapped.

I was no longer Christopher Pike, the stoic, driven man who carefully weighed and calculated every part of my life. Considered every option and had never made a rash, or hell, impulsive decision in my life. Of course, I've done it a few times since Leonard McCoy walked into my life, but this -- Well, what happened today -- I still don't exactly understand.

Because today, I looked up at Len and uttered the words I swore to god I would never say again in my life:

Marry me.

On to Part 28
Tags: fic: trek, pairing: pike/mccoy, series: to talk of many things
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