Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Kirk/McCoy, Kirk/McCoy, Kirk/Kirk, McCoy/McCoy
Warnings: Umm, complete and total CRACK.
Word Count: around 2700
Summary: Oh god. Where to even begin. Well, Jim and Bones walk into this jail cell, and meet... Jim and Bones.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anything whatsoever is purely coincidental.
A/N : Okay, so. This requires a bit of explanation. It was therumjournals's birthday, on... well, tell you what, let's just not worry about how long ago it was. Point is, she wrote a wonderful pair of fics that were awesome and cracky and hot where Jim has a massive peen. Right about the same time, by total coincidence, I was writing a bizarre cracked-out series where Bones has a massive peen. With me so far? Great. Okay, so we got to talking, and we said wouldn't it be funny if the two sets were ever to meet up and be forced to, er, have a comparison. And naturally, being the OMG WEIRD PERSON that I am, this idea festered in my brain until it was time for her birthday and now here it is. If that hasn't made you run away screaming yet, um, enjoy? :D? Happy birthday, therumjournals! And thanks to linelenagain, who looks mighty fine in that cheerleader skirt.
A/N Take Two: the tl;dr version: (JIM + BONES) x 2. BIG PENISES. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
The purple-skinned aliens shoved Jim and Bones roughly into a cell. It looked sort of like a Terran jail cell, circa the twentieth century. Jim wondered briefly why most aliens built cells that looked like that, metal bars, food slot, and all. Then his attention was distracted by the other occupants of the cell.
Sitting on a bench along the far wall were Jim and Bones, or pretty damn close facsimiles thereof. Jim stepped forward and squinted a bit. The uniforms were cut just a bit differently, the other Bones' hair was a little shorter, and the other Jim appeared to have a small gold hoop in his eyebrow. Huh.
They contemplated each other for a moment, then both Bones - Boneses? - started cursing out both Jims simultaneously. "God damn it, Jim, I told you this was a bad idea," came in stereo.
Jim couldn't help smiling a bit at the effect. He greeted his counterpart. "Hey there. Alternate universe?"
"Alternate universe," gold-eyebrow-ring Jim agreed amiably. "Knew there was something off with that spatial distortion we passed through when we came out of warp."
Jim nodded. "Are you a good Jim or a bad Jim?" he asked.
Gold-eyebrow-ring looked a bit confused. "Um, good, I think. I mean, I try to be."
"That's cool, man. Me too."
Now that they'd got that sorted out, Jim looked around the cell, evaluating escape options. Both of the Bones...es were still cussing up a storm, getting increasingly incensed as everything one of them said came out of the other's mouth simultaneously.
"Stop copying me, you infant!" came two voices in unison.
"I'm not copying you; YOU stop copying ME, god damn it!" Again, two voices.
The Jims exchanged amused glances and started prowling the perimeter, looking for weak spots. Sadly, there weren't any.
The increasingly irate exchange between the two CMOs was cut short by the reappearance of the purple aliens, safely outside of arm's reach of the cell. The one wearing a silver lame mumu stepped forward.
"You have invaded our sovereign territory. The only way we will release you is if you complete a virility challenge."
Both Jims perked up. Both Boneses glowered.
"You are all males of your species, yes?"
"Yep!" both Jims piped simultaneously.
"Very well then. Choose a representative to complete the challenge. The chosen representative should be the male with the largest phallus. We will return." With that, the aliens swished out of the room.
As soon as they were gone, both Jims spoke up briskly.
"Well, Bones has this covered," Jim said, just as gold-eyebrow-ring-Jim said "Well, I've got this covered."
The four were silent for a long, awkward moment. Then the Boneses started blustering. "What the hell, Jim, you can't just go volunteering my penis!" roared one Bones, while the other started bitching Jim out for trying to jump headfirst, or actually, dick-first, into danger yet again.
After the Boneses had wound down, Jim spoke up again. "Bones, Bones," he said, nodding to each of them in turn. "We've got no weapons, no communicators, no way of escaping at the moment. Unless you can think of a better plan, I think we're going to have to go along with our captors for the time being, see if an opportunity for escape arises."
Gold-eyebrow-ring Jim nodded agreement. "And seriously, guys, I've got this."
Short-haired Bones turned red, but chimed in, "Yeah, he really does. Trust me."
Jim looked between the two of them with interest. "Oh, so you guys are...?" he trailed off delicately. "Fucking" seemed a bit crude, even for him, but he didn't quite know how else to put it.
"We're together, yes." Short-haired Bones glared. Wow, that haircut was really kind of hot. Maybe he could convince his Bones to get his hair done like that.
"So're we," his Bones put in, giving his own version of the death-glare to the other Bones. Hmm, maybe he shouldn't be checking out that other Bones quite so obviously. On the other hand, jealousy was really kind of a cute look for Bones. His Bones. The Real Bones. Ha, the Real McCoy! He came back from his musings to find that the two Boneses were now involved in a staring match, trading death-glare for death-glare. He saw short-haired-Bones' hypo-hand twitch. Uh-oh, that was never a good sign.
Gold-eyebrow-ring Jim spoke up before things could get too tense. "Well, only one way to figure it out, right? Everyone whip 'em out!"
Okay, Jim had been wrong. Now things were way tenser.
"I'll go first," said gold-eyebrow-ring Jim, and he suited word to deed by nonchalantly unzipping his uniform pants, shimmying them a bit down his hips, and then pulling himself out. And out. And out. Jim's jaw dropped open. Holy shit, did that thing ever end? Suddenly he felt cheated. How come this other Jim got the monster dick and he didn't? That was just not right.
Short-haired Bones was looking half turned-on and half smug. Gold-eyebrow-ring Jim was matter-of-fact, though. "Well, can anyone beat that?"
They all contemplated the part in question for a moment. Then Jim spoke up. "Well, how big is it when it's hard? I mean, if it's a virility challenge, then that's what counts, right?"
His Bones quickly said, "I'm sure it's not necessary to find out. I vote that we let... um... other Jim over there do the challenge."
Gold-eyebrow-ring and short-hair exchanged glances. "Well, hang on, I mean, our freedom's at stake, I think we'd better find out who the best man for the job is," said gold-eyebrow-ring Jim reasonably, but with a trace of complacency and skepticism.
And okay, so maybe Jim didn't have a monster penis in his universe, damn it, but he knew someone in this very room -- er, jail cell -- who did, and he'd be damned if he'd let this other Jim and Bones think that their universe had the biggest penises. Penii. Whatever. And besides, he was proud of Bones' massive cock, in a somewhat proprietary way, and he never got to actually brag about it. Bones would have killed him. So now, here was a perfect opportunity, all gift-wrapped and everything; no way he was wasting it.
"Agreed," Jim said, before Bones could say anything else. "It'll be a battle of the hard-ons, and may the biggest dick win. You two, go... do whatever you need to do. We'll do the same. Meet back in two minutes." And with that, he grabbed his Bones and hustled him off to a corner of the cell.
Bones was protesting all the way over to their corner, while Jim undid his pants and pulled them down partway, and up until the moment that he got his mouth around Bones' cock. It was almost comical, how abruptly the grumbling stopped at that point. Jim smirked. Maybe he didn't have a huge dick, but he had impressive fellatio skills and he'd practiced long and hard (pun fully intended - god, he cracked himself up) to hone them.
After about 90 seconds' worth of blow job, he pulled back with a pop and started shoving Bones back toward the center of the cell. Now Bones was protesting the abrupt cessation of Jim's attentions, and Jim couldn't help but grin. Bones could find something to gripe out no matter what the situation. It was kind of endearing.
He finally got Bones situated under the one dim light in the center of the cell. He turned Bones toward the other Bones and Jim, and watched in satisfaction as their jaws dropped. That was more like it. Gold-eyebrow-ring stared between short-haired Bones and the massive erection sported by Jim's Bones, eyes going back and forth and mouth working soundlessly. Finally he found his voice.
"Wait, how come he's got -- " he began. Short-haired Bones cut him off.
"If you want to live to see tomorrow, you won't finish that sentence," he growled. Gold-eyebrow-ring's mouth shut with an audible snap. Both Boneses smirked a bit. Jim rolled his eyes. Yeah, okay, so the Boneses had him... and other him... completely whipped, but they didn't have to gloat about it.
"All right, you two, line up. We've gotta compare," he said, motioning to the other Jim and his own Bones. They did, gold-eyebrow-ring giving himself a satisfied little stroke and Bones crossing his arms and looking somewhere between flustered and pissed off.
Jim and short-haired Bones looked back and forth between the two. Damn, those were two really impressive cocks, and he didn't know about short-haired Bones, but his mouth was starting to water. He'd always kind of wondered what it would be like to do himself. Hadn't everyone? He snuck a glance at the other Jim's face, found blue eyes trained on his lips. He licked them, casually, and the eyes widened. Oh yeah, other Jim wanted him. He peeked at his Bones' face to see if he'd caught the exchange. He had, and now his mouth was just a bit open and he was looking distinctly lust-addled. That was promising. He knew Bones was very committed to the whole fidelity deal and he was too, but this was themselves. Surely that didn't count as cheating?
Any remaining thoughts (not that there had been many) of choosing a representative for the aliens' challenge went zooming out of his head when Bones' husky voice interrupted his musings. "Yeah, Jim, do it. Get on your knees. Want to see you sucking your own cock."
He might possibly have whimpered. The other Jim and both Boneses were watching him avidly as he followed Bones' instructions. He moved in for the kill, but Bones pre-empted him. "Uh-uh, not yet, darlin'. Just the head. Swirl your tongue around it, the way you know I like." Jim complied. Fuck, this was hot. Licking his own cock, and yet not, with Bones' voice in his ear and the sound of his counterpart moaning above him. Then he heard Bones' muffled gasp and chanced a peek. Fuck. Now short-haired Bones was on his knees too, taking the head of his Bones' cock into his mouth. Holy shit, watching that beautiful mouth wrapped around that beautiful cock nearly made his mind explode with lust.
Gold-eyebrow-ring seemed to agree, and said, sotto voce, "Holy fuck, would you look at that." Jim nodded, which, given that he had his mouth around the other Jim's dick, produced a fervent, if not very coherent, response. That was the end of the talking, and the noises they were making were reduced to slurps and moans and gasps. It wasn't easy, giving a really stellar blowjob while simultaneously watching Bones suck himself off, but Jim was motivated.
He was palming himself through his uniform, and mentally comparing the taste of this Jim's pre-come to his memory of his own -- pretty similar, though maybe just a bit tangier -- and fuck, he saw that jiggle of the other Jim's leg that he himself made whenever he was about to come. His Bones was moaning and spewing a steady stream of gibberish mixed with curses, and Jim knew firsthand just how talented the mouth was that was working him.
Everything was reaching a crescendo and fuck, it was going to be an epic crescendo. Then, suddenly, the unmistakable clang of a metal cell door sliding open interrupted. Damn, those aliens had the worst timing ever. Still, other-Jim was too close to leave him hanging now, so with one last determined suck, Jim brought other-Jim to climax, and felt a sense of satisfaction as he began swallowing. And then kept swallowing. And kept swallowing. God in heaven, how many gallons of semen did this Jim produce at a time? Finally the tide ebbed, and he pulled away with a last lick to find everyone staring at him. He grinned unrepentantly.
His Bones was still completely hard. Looked like other-Bones had stopped as soon as the aliens made their appearance. That was just like Bones, to be so fussy that he'd stop blowing himself over a little thing like an unexpected audience. Although from the telltale dark patch on short-haired Bones' uniform, he'd already come in his pants before their hostile purple captors showed up.
Speaking of those captors... they actually didn't look so hostile anymore, and their skin had taken on a decidedly indigo flush. Hmmm. The leader stepped forward once again and spoke, much less composedly this time.
"Ahem, you, yes, you have proven your virility. We thank you for your demonstration. No further demonstration is necessary. We will return you to your own ships now. We have learned much. Our gratitude."
And with that, Jim felt the unmistakable tingle of a transporter beam taking him. Damn it, no! He hadn't finished having fun with his counterparts yet! He wanted to have two Boneses fuck him at once -- it was the opportunity of a lifetime!
But it was no use. He rematerialized in a very crowded transporter room. Looked like his crew, bless 'em, were getting ready to mount a rescue effort. Scotty was at the transporter controls, and Sulu, Chekov, Spock, and Uhura were all strapping on weapons and looking grim. Until, that is, he and Bones showed up on the transporter pad. Then they just looked flabbergasted.
He supposed he couldn't blame them. He was on his knees, mouth open, palming himself through his pants. It was suggestive, to say the least. Bones, on the other hand, well, his pose was way past suggestive. His pants were open and his enormous cock was springing forth from his uniform, still glistening with saliva. An expression of interrupted pleasure was quickly being overtaken by intermingled rage and embarrassment.
"GOD DAMN IT!" he roared, and everyone flinched. They didn't stop staring, though, and all eyes were on that magnificent dick. There were several moments of charged silence because everyone was far too afraid to actually speak up in the face of Bones'... wrath.
Finally Jim took pity on everyone, particularly Bones. "All right, show's over. We're back, safe and sound. Everyone, turn around. Now!" He added the last bit in his Serious Captain's Voice when it appeared that his crewmembers were still paralyzed with shock. They all hastily turned their backs, although he totally saw Chekov peeking. Bones was trying to tuck himself away and fasten his pants, which, yeah, wasn't gonna happen while he was still hard. After watching Bones fumble for a few seconds, Jim pulled off his gold command shirt and draped it over the hard-on, which somehow only had the effect of making it even more prominent, but at least it provided the illusion of modesty.
Bones made a gargling-growling sound, clutched the shirt over his crotch, and stormed out of the transporter room. It was like a balloon had been popped, and suddenly everyone could breathe again. His crew slowly turned around to look at him.
"Dear sweet lord, Captain, that's incredible," Scotty breathed in awe.
"Yes, yes it is," Kirk agreed.
"You mean, you can actually..." Sulu couldn't even finish that sentence.
"Yes, yes I can," Kirk said. Even Uhura looked impressed.
"Actually, Captain - " Spock began. Damn Spock and his psychic window into their sex life. Damn his compulsive, over-sharing honesty even more.
"Well, okay, not completely. Not yet. But we're working on it!" He added hastily.
"JIM! GET YOUR ASS TO SICKBAY, NOW!"
The shout came through who-knew-how-many bulkheads, but it was unmistakable. Everyone winced in sympathy. Jim sighed. Time to face the music. Well, the metaphorical music, which was likely to be made of durium and have a very sharp end and be wielded by one incredibly pissed-off doctor.
He sighed, then brightened. Overall, he couldn't complain about his day. And in fact, it wasn't over yet. If the other Enterprise hadn't gone back through the spatial distortion yet...
"COMING, DEAR!" He hollered back, smirking at the looks on the faces of his crewmembers. "Oh, and Spock. Hail the other Enterprise. Extend every courtesy and relay my personal invitation to the Captain and CMO to dinner, 2100 hours, my quarters."
He sauntered off toward sickbay, a spring in his step. Oh yeah. He had no complaints at all.
On to Part 6