Sky (skyblue_reverie) wrote,

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Trek Fic: Were Walking Close at Hand (Pike/McCoy, NC-17)

Title: Were Walking Close at Hand (Part 23 of To Talk of Many Things)
Authors: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: Around 6200
Summary: The correspondence and journals of Chris and Len. A wedding, a Talk with a capital T, and lingering insecurities. Plus, naturally, more mysterious half-hints about Jim.
A/N: From skyblue_reverie: Thanks all for your restraint regarding Jim of late! No, not THAT kind of "restraints." Pervs. :p mga1999: I apologize for not answering comments yet on the 'real time' chapter. Thank you for all the wonderful comments. I promise I will answer as soon as I locate my brain that has been abducted by too much stress in real life this week.

Click here for series masterlist with links to all prior parts

Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy

Sunday 2260.168

Goddammit. I feel like an idiot, doing this. I'm a doctor, not a teenage girl. How do I even start? "Dear Diary"? Oh good god.

I'm typing this, NOT dictating it, because I'm not like Jim, who just loves the sound of his own voice as he narrates his life. Jackass. And yeah, I say that with love. Not THAT kind of love. Jesus Christ, why am I explaining things to my own journal?

Okay. Starting over.

Yesterday Chris and I went to his godson's wedding. I didn't know many people there, and normally that makes me feel awkward as all hell, but Chris is good in situations like that. He stuck like glue to my side, didn't abandon me to the wolves. He knew everyone, so he introduced me around, plus he subtly worked into the conversation names and biographical details of people I'd already met and was supposed to remember, and just generally kept me from making an ass of myself.

That was mostly at the reception, though. At the ceremony, well, we barely got there on time because Chris tried to get too much done at Starfleet in the morning. Man's a worse workaholic than I am, and that's saying something.

So we just barely got seated before they were playing the bridal march. It was a beautiful wedding, even if I barely knew the couple, and Chris was obviously moved. He held my hand tight through the whole thing. Think he might've even choked up a little, but he'd gotten himself under control by the time I got a close look at him.

The reporters either had the good grace to stay away from the church or maybe they just figured they'd have better luck if they camped out at the hotel where the reception was held. I'm betting on the latter. It was annoying, having our picture taken and being yelled at by so many of those vultures on our way into the Fairmont, but it was a gorgeous hotel, hundreds of years old and beautifully restored. Chris had reserved us a room, so we checked in before we went on to the reception. I don't know what I can really say about that except I got a surprise blow job. Not that I'm complaining, mind. I just hope he didn't feel like he had to make something up to me from that morning when he came and I didn't. But whatever his motivation, damn, he gives he best head I've had in my life.

Then the reception, but I've pretty much already described that. Lots of people I didn't know, Chris sticking close so I wouldn't accidentally insult an ambassador or something. I'm exaggerating. I know he wanted to be near me, and I wanted to be near him too. The ambassador thing was just a bonus. Plenty of people were staring at us too - I think there's rampant speculation about whether I'll be the one to finally tame Chris. As if anyone could. As if I'd want to. Morons.

A few people I knew were there. Philip and Allen, obviously, since they're the fathers of the groom. It was good to see them. Philip's taken damn good care of Chris and I'm grateful for it. I'm glad I got to tell him that in person. Sato was there too, and I was less thrilled to see her, but she was on her best behavior. I'm pretty sure she's still lusting after Chris - I mean, who wouldn't - but I think she's got the message loud and clear that he's taken and not interested. Pretty sure I saw her sneak away for a quickie with Chris's helmsman, whose very pretty and very pregnant wife was also at the wedding, but as long as she stays away from Chris, it's no business of mine. Most of Chris's command staff were there, and they all made a point to talk to him and tell him how glad they are that he's on the road to recovery, and how good it is to serve with him. It's different, Chris's relationship with his crew compared to Jim's. With Chris - they're in awe of him. Not quite afraid of him, exactly, but there's a distance there, maybe a slight feeling of intimidation. No one's intimidated by Jim. I mean, we all respect him, and he's a good captain, but he's such a crazy goofball that it's hard to feel that sense of awe. Probably part of it's an age difference thing as well. On the Enterprise, we're all pretty much peers. On the Exeter, you've got Chris who's had a long and distinguished career, while most of his crew are straight out of the academy.

There were also a few people there who I'm pretty sure were exes of Chris. There were more than a couple daggers glared my way, especially when Chris was being particularly attentive to me. To be honest, that was pretty satisfying. I just ignored 'em. Let them eat their hearts out. He's mine now. One of them, a guy named Edward, actually came up to talk to us, and brought up his past relationship with Chris, trying to play it off as a casual mention. At first Chris seemed tense, maybe worried I was going to get upset, but I just poured on the Southern charm and said how very nice it was to meet another one of Chris's ex-lovers, and golly there were so many of them, did they have a club? I told him it was nothing personal, but I hoped he'd understand that I wasn't planning on ever actually joining that club. Edward puffed up and turned red, and I asked him with all apparent sincerity and concern if he had a heart condition, and told him that he was showing symptoms of cardiac stress and maybe he should sit down for a spell. I could feel Chris shaking silently next to me, trying like hell not to laugh. Gotta admit, that was fun.

After the reception, we went back to the room and made love. It's been so tender these last few days. I think we both need that right now - the emotional connection as much as the physical. No holocams, no fancy tricks or props, just the two of us focusing completely on each other. It's been incredible.

Afterward, lying in bed together, I got my communicator and showed him the letter I'd written him that morning. It was mostly about what I was thinking and feeling when we saw each other for the first time after these eight months apart. It's kind of silly, I guess, but I wanted to be there with him, next to him, when he read one of my comms. I always kind of wonder how he reacts when he reads them. I guess I still don't know how he reacts in other circumstances, but at least when he's alone, or with just me, he relaxes, and his face is so open. I can read all of his reactions. I could tell what part of the comm he was on without even looking at it, just by his face. He's so distant and unknowable to most people. I've gotta admit it's a rush to know that I'm one of the only people he lets in. It feels like a sacred trust, and I swear I'm never going to make him regret it.

Anyway, then after he read my letter, he pulled out his own comm unit and showed me the journal entry he'd written about the same events. God damn, that was even more of a rush, that he trusted me enough to show me that. So strange that we had so many of the same thoughts about what happened that night. Well, maybe not that strange after all. We both feel it, this connection between us. I think it scares him more than it scares me, but he's coming around. I don't want to rush him. I can wait until he's ready for the next step, whatever that may be. Whatever it takes, he's worth it.

Huh. I actually managed to do a journal entry. Look at that. Wasn't even too terribly painful. I don't know how to end this, though. Until next time, I guess.

To: Christopher Pike (
From: James Kirk (

Dear Chris,

Sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel the plans we made for having lunch and playing chess today. I managed to move some meetings up, and after I'm through with those, I'm done and heading out, probably leaving late this afternoon. It's probably better anyway, as I've got a pretty nasty cold, and since Bones mentioned you're still immuno-suppressed... Well, wouldn't want you to catch anything to ruin your time here. That's why I didn't come to the wedding or reception. Didn't think it would be a good idea. Sent a nice gift though.

I hope you and Bones have a great shore leave together. You both deserve it. Since the Exeter is leaving later now, I'll be back several days before she does, so maybe we can reschedule for then.

I will have a comm with me, but I don't plan on checking it much.

Take care,

Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike

Sunday 2260.168

What a day. What a weekend. I'm not sure I can put all my thoughts into this entry, but since Jim cancelled the plans we had again, here we go.

The wedding. God, it was a beautiful wedding. Matthew and his new wife Alyssa -- I've never seen a more beautiful bride. They were both glowing. So happy and truly such a well-matched couple. I will be sad not to see them here whenever I'm home since they are moving to New York next month. Matthew will be teaching political science at a private school, and Alyssa will continue working on her Ph.D in alien anthropological studies at the Federation College of Universal Species. Of course, they are always a quick shuttle ride away. I wonder if Len has been to New York City -- We might just need to spend a weekend there next time we're here on earth for shore leave.

I'm glad I decided to get the hotel room. Being able to kiss him and taste him in between the ceremony and reception -- Not sure I would have made it through otherwise without dragging him somewhere to get my mouth on on him. I was so proud to be there with Len. So happy. I don't think my hand left some part of his body the entire time we were at the church and again at the reception. I know he said he wanted to feel my hand on him, but I had an inherent need to keep touching him in some way -- Like I had to prove to myself he was there. I was so damn proud to be able to introduce him to everyone. I could have done without the speculative looks from a few people, though. And Edward, god, was he a big mistake in my past. He was a colleague of Allen's and I met him at one of their dinner parties. We hit it off. We saw each other for about four months, about five years ago. It was casual for me, but he was interested in more. A lot more. I wasn't. It was awkward and messy. He commed me for months after. I can't believe Edward had the gall to act like he did, though. I'm surprised I could contain my laughter when Len put him in his place. Fuck, that was hot.

Fuck, he's so gorgeous and he still has no idea. I saw everyone looking at him in his dark suit. God, that man was made to wear a suit. I only wish I had been the one to strip him out of it last night. I'll have to make sure I do that when we're in Florida later this week. Heck, I may just need to fuck him in that suit. God, I'm half hard just thinking about it. I might need to jerk off before my next meeting in thirty minutes.

Last night at the hotel when he rode me, and then him waking me up this morning with his mouth on my cock? Fuck. When he swallowed me down, deep throating me, I thought I was going to come apart. And when he lubed up his fingers and slid them inside me while he sucked? Holy fuck. What that man can do with his mouth and his hands. I came so hard I almost blacked out again. When I came back to my senses, he was licking at the inside of my thigh, and then bringing my legs up over his shoulders. He gazed at me as he slid inside me and -- God. I honestly never liked to bottom before -- I rarely did for anyone. But with Len, there is just this carnal need to have that man inside me. I swear it feels as good as fucking him. Maybe even better.

God, I just came after barely stroking myself a of couple times. Better grab a quick shower before my meeting.


Well, latest repair estimates make it look like we're gonna get out of here a week after the Enterprise leaves. Granted, I'm thankful now that Len and I have a few more days together than we would have if the Exeter had gotten in on time. I'm not looking forward to spending that time alone here after he's gone, though. If I have everything settled, I definitely am going to head home to my ranch. There is no way I can stay here, in our apartment, without him. When did I become that person? God, I sound needy and clingy, not like a Starfleet Admiral.

The services this morning -- They were tough. I'm glad Len was there with me. I got a lot more emotional than I thought I would when I spoke. Being able to come back to my seat and having Len there, him threading his fingers through mine -- It's different having support from someone you love. I honestly don't know how I lived this long without it, and I pray I never have to again.

I had some time between appointments a bit ago and was able to talk to Dr. Rossen for a few minutes. She seemed pleased that I was keeping up with the journals. I'm going to go and have a session with her tomorrow during lunch. I had plans with Len, but I hope he can understand how much I need to talk to her.

Speaking of talking, I know Len and I need to talk. Really talk. We've both been kind of -- I don't know, it's not like we're actively avoiding talking about things. We haven't really seen much of each other other than the wedding and reception and it wasn't like we could talk then. And we've been a bit busy reaquainting ourselves -- Oh, who am I kidding? We've been busy fucking. Although, it's not like it was last time. It's been -- I don't know, slower. More intimate, if that makes sense. I think we are both aware of how close we came to losing each other -- Me with the damn bug and Len -- God, he needs to talk to someone about Charles Evans. I know he admitted it had him pretty rattled, and when I brought it up last night -- I don't know what to do for him. I only hope that him being with me is helping, the way it's helped chase my nightmares away just being next to him.

I'm pretty worn out right now. If I didn't have two more appointments, I'd call it a day and go home. I'm surprised I've been able to keep up with Len as much as I have the last couple of days. I think I need to rest tonight, and it will be a good chance for us to have that talk we need to have. Scares the fuck out of me thinking about it -- That I'll say the wrong thing. When I talked to Dr. Rossen today, though, she reminded me that walking on eggshells around each other about the last eight months will only make it worse.

I'm just so relieved, so damn relieved to know, to really know, that what I felt for him wasn't all in my mind. It's scary though, to feel so much for someone.

Well, it's almost time for my appointment and I want to comm Len real quick to make plans for dinner and tonight.

I'm happy though. Really happy. I just pray I don't say something wrong tonight to fuck things up.

To: Leonard McCoy (
From: Christopher Pike (


Just a quick note to let you know I'll be out of here on time. I think I'm going to go home and nap for a bit before our planned dinner, if that's okay, since I know you'll be home later than me. I have to admit, I'm pretty worn out, so I don't think I'll be up to much tonight.

I was hoping we could eat and then sit down on the couch with a bottle of wine and talk. I think we need to. I need to tell you what I've been feeling -- How I feel. We've both been almost on hold because of my issues, and I feel like I owe you not only an apology, but -- Hell, I don't know. You know I'm not good at this stuff, so please forgive me in advance if I make an ass out of myself tonight or say something wrong. I just don't want to act like nothing happened. Because it did.

I also want you to know that if you need to talk more about the Charles Evans incident -- I'm here, Len. I'm worried about you. I want to help if I can.

I love you, Len. Truly. I'll see you soon.


To: Christopher Pike (
From: Leonard McCoy (

Hey Darlin',

Absolutely you should get in a nap. I know you planned on cooking, but Chris, you're tired and you need to rest. Why don't I get some takeout on my way home from that Chinese place you like, and you can pick out a bottle of wine to go with it.

Then, yeah, we'll talk. Good lord, my ex would laugh her head off if she could hear me, actually volunteering for a "relationship talk." You're worth it, though. We're worth it. Even if it's goddamn awkward and uncomfortable and we'll probably both make asses of ourselves.

But no matter what, we'll end the evening on a good note, because I'm going to lay you down in our bed and give you the massage of your life. You're just gonna lie there and relax and I'm going to find every single knot in your body and work it out. If I do it right, you'll be as limp as an overcooked noodle by the time I'm done. Then we'll go to sleep together and just hold each other all night long, and we'll keep each other's nightmares away. How's that sound?

I'll see you tonight.


To: Leonard McCoy (
From: Christopher Pike (


Chinese sounds great. Nothing spicy, though. Can't handle that on some of the meds I'm still taking. God, a massage sounds perfect, Len. I'm pretty stressed today, and tired. Might not even drink any wine. It would probably put me to sleep. We will talk, though. I don't want to put it off any longer. Have one more vidcomm that should take about ten minutes and then I'm heading home. Wake me when you get there.

Love you,

Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoy

Monday 2260.169

Just gave Chris a long massage and he's out like a light. Don't think I've ever seen him sleeping quite that soundly. I'll get back in bed with him soon, but I wanted to get this journal entry done.

Earlier tonight Chris and I had a "talk." His idea. Probably a good one, but damn, I dread those kind of things. Probably a holdover from my marriage, when being told we needed to have a "talk" meant "you sit here and listen meekly and nod while I tell you everything you do that's bad and wrong". That's probably not fair to Jocelyn, and it's not like I ever followed her script anyway -- I gave as good as I got. But hell, this is my journal, so screw impartiality.

Anyway, THIS talk was nothing like those ones. I'm not sure why Chris was so nervous about it. I thought for sure he was going to rip into me for something I'd done wrong -- lord knows I've done plenty -- but no, he mostly just wanted to tell me a little bit about what's been going on in his head, how hellish it's been these last months, and how glad he is that I didn't abandon him when things got tough. If I didn't think he'd be insulted, I'd say it was adorable. Well, he's never gonna see this anyway, so what the hell? It was adorable. He was adorable. So hopeful and unsure and... grateful, I guess. As if I'd walk away from him that easily. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'd have to be the world's biggest fool to give up on that without a fight.

Good god, none of it was his fault. The Centaurian slug, its secretions, all the physical therapy, the PTSD, all the shit he's been through. That's what caused his doubts about us, and what kind of asshole would I be for ditching my partner when he's physically and mentally injured in a way that's completely beyond his control? The kind he's had before, I guess is the answer, because it surely seemed that he expected that that's what I would've done.

Or maybe that's the kind of partner that he's been before. No strings, no obligations, take off if things get heavy. Shit, that makes a lot more sense. I think I just got a chill. God damn it. I wonder if the tables had been turned, if I'd been the one having the doubts, if he would've called it quits. Well, there's no sense speculatin', my grandmother used to say. Probably better not to even think about it. I know things are different between us than with any of his other lovers, though. I hope they're different enough.

Anyway, I also got some stuff off my chest - not so much about Chris, just about crap that's happened since we last saw each other. The way Jim's acting, for one. I told Chris before that I was sure Jim's not in love with me. To be totally honest, I don't know what the hell is going on in his head. I don't think he feels that way about me, but it would explain a lot. And even though I told Chris Jim'd fight for me if that was the case, the truth is, if Jim thought that Chris and I would be happier if he just pined away in silence, then that's what he'd do. Kid's too self-sacrificing for his own good. Still... that doesn't quite feel like the reason he's avoiding us. There's nothing wrong with him physically, so it's not that either. I wish he'd talk to me like he always used to. I know that somehow I'm involved in whatever's bothering him, though, so he's shut himself up like a clam. Wonder if he's confiding in that green-blooded walking computer. There's a thought to give a man nightmares, having that uptight Vulcan as your only source of emotional support.

And then we talked about the stuff with Charlie. Charles Evans. I'm getting over it, I guess, but it's a slow process and patience isn't exactly my finest quality. I still have nightmares about it sometimes, and then when I wake up, there's a part of me that wonders if it was really a nightmare or if his psychic powers are somehow strong enough to reach out to me even across all this distance. Or worse, whether he's escaped and is on the loose again. Everyone on the Enterprise who was involved with that whole mess seems to think it would be impossible for the kid to ever cause any more trouble, that those beings wouldn't allow it to happen, but I'm not so sure. They let him get away once; who says they wouldn't screw up and let him wreak havoc again?

Chris took my concerns seriously, which was a goddamned relief. It was good just having someone listen to me and not try to brush aside my fears and imply that I'm paranoid for even having them. Even Dr. Pagao, for all his professionalism, seemed like he was trying not to roll his eyes at me when I talked about it. But then, he's never been out there in the black. He's got no idea the crazy shit that goes on. Chris knows, though. I think he was half-ready to go to the planet where we found that kid and, I don't know, bomb it into oblivion or something. It was actually kind of sweet. He's so protective on my behalf. Almost chivalrous. I'd never in a million years admit it, but I kind of like it. Oh hell, I like it a lot. He did say that if there was ever the slightest sign that "that psychotic teenage bastard" was back, I should tell him immediately, and he'd make sure that I was protected. He was deadly serious, too. Gotta admit, it makes me feel safer, knowing he's watching out for me. He's a hell of a guardian angel to have. Especially since I'm not sure Jim's on the job anymore, and even when he is -- well, when your guardian angel is suicidally reckless and half the time you've got to protect him, it's not quite the same.

Shit, back to Jim again. Screw it. I'm too worn out to twist myself up over it anymore. I know Chris needs this shore leave, but the truth is, I do too. I've got some briefings later on today, then a few meetings at Starfleet Medical tomorrow, and then I'm done. Nervous about meeting Chris's parents, but curious as all get-out too.

Guess that's it for now, then.

Well, maybe I'll write Jim a short comm. Then, back where I should be, in bed with Chris.

To: James Kirk (
From: Leonard McCoy (

Dear Jim,

Maybe this'll work better than my other attempts to talk to you, since you're on the other side of the planet and have a little time and space to yourself.

I don't know what's going on with you, or with us, but I want you to know that we WILL be talking about it when you get back. I've let you avoid me for long enough.

You're my friend, Jim, my best friend. Hell, the best friend I've ever had in my life. Maybe I've been caught up in this thing with Chris and I've been neglecting that friendship. If that's the case, I'm sorry.

If it's something else, god damn it, man, you've got to tell me what it is. You know me well enough by now to know that I don't give up on people unless I've got no choice, and that goes double for you. Our friendship is important to me, Jim. Just as important as my relationship with Chris. And right now, my place is with you on the Enterprise. That's my choice, Jim, not something that I was forced into or that I resent. I want to be there with you - hell, with all of the crew. Even, god help me, that pointy-eared hobgoblin.

So if you're worried that I'm gonna be leaving - I'm not, Jim. Who else is going to patch you up when you pull one fool stunt after another? And who else is going to drive me crazy and stop me from ever working myself up into a good sulk?

Damn it, Jim, talk to me.

Your friend,
Bones (I can't believe I just called myself that, by the way.)

Personal Journal of Christopher R. Pike

Monday 2260.169

It's early. Len is still sleeping, and I couldn't sleep anymore so I figure I'd get this out of the way while my memory is still fresh.

Len and I talked last night. I'll admit, I was scared to death. I've never done anything like that before. But one of the books I've been reading, it really stresses the importance of 'airing things out' so minor bumps don't become mountains. Not that anything that happened between us since we were last together in October was minor. But we're here. We made it somehow. Fuck if I know how, but I'm not going to question it.

I guess I do know how: Len. I don't know why he stood by me through all of it -- I'm not sure if I would have done the same for him, and that's hard to admit, even here to myself where he'll never see it. Maybe I should have told him, but part of me thinks he probably already knows.

I'm not sure how good of a job I did last night explaining how I felt all those months -- What was going on in my head. I know I stumbled and God, I even stuttered a few times. I really could have used a glass of wine or four, but I knew, as tired as I was, I'd fall asleep. I swear my hands were even sweaty at one point, and that hasn't happened to me since I asked someone to prom.

Len was wonderful, though. Encouraging me when I was struggling to find the words to say to him. I told him how I felt horrible and guilty as hell for what I put him through. God. If he had told me the same thing I had? That he had doubts? I don't think I would have been -- No, I know I wouldn't have been as supportive as he was. He was the only thing holding me together all those months, and I told him that. He seemed taken aback by that. Which makes me feel even worse because I honestly don't know what I would have done in his place. I know it's pointless to think about now, because it never happened, but he had every right after I sent that comm admitting my doubts -- after he'd already figured it out -- to tell me he'd had enough and to fuck off. I would not have blamed him.

So I hope last night, I apologized enough. Made him understand what I was feeling all that time -- It was important to me that he knew that. And I've learned that I can't just bottle up these doubts, that I have to get them out somehow. If I can't with him, then in this journal. I know I'm slowly finding myself again -- The man that I was before the Narada. But I've also realized, and I admitted it to him, that I will never be that exact man again. Because Len's changed me. I'm different now. I still can't put my finger on it, and I'll admit that scares me a little. I can't yet say I'm a better man now, because I still -- Well, I have a ways to go before I feel like I can say I'm back to whatever 'normal' is for me now. And will I even know when I get there? All I know is that I'm glad I have Len, because I know that no matter what happens, I have someone to help me get through whatever challenge I'm facing. I've never had that before. I've always handled everything myself. In some ways, I still do, and I don't think that will ever change, but I have to admit it's nice knowing that if I can't -- Well, he has my back just like I have his.

Hearing him talk about the Charles Evans incident was hard. One thing I've learned though all of this is that fear isn't rational. You can know or be told there is no possibility of something happening, but it can still wake you up in the middle of the night. I've studied the reports and even read the SFI investigative report and am satisfied there isn't a chance in hell that he could ever do anything to Len, or anyone else, for that matter. I have Jim to thank for that. I could have easily lost not only Len, but Jim too. So I'm almost thankful that Len and Jim haven't been as close as usual, because I'm sure if he'd picked up on their connection, he would have killed Jim, just like he intended to kill me. Len isn't the only one having nightmares about this. But I know it will fade in time, and in the meantime I just need to let him talk about it when he needs to.

I have to say that it was also good for me to know that we could sit down like that and talk. I know it won't always be that easy -- not that it was easy, exactly, but we talked for a good three hours, about everything and nothing. It was nice, and this is where I admit that it was a relief that we could do something like that without it turning into us having sex. I mean, I know a lot of our relationship has been based on sex. There were times in the past when that worried me. I mean, what happens down the road when the urge to fuck each other senseless is gone? Is there enough to keep us together otherwise? What happens ten years down the line when we're living together? Will it get old? Will the sex not be as good? So knowing we could sit and talk, and just be together and be content -- Well, it's quelled a few more lingering doubts. I think last night was the first night since we've been together that we didn't have sex, and that was okay. It was more than okay. The massage he gave me -- It was amazing. I felt so relaxed afterwards and so -- well, I felt so loved, that it didn't matter that we weren't sexually intimate. I fell asleep on my stomach with his arm draped across my back and woke up the same way an hour ago. That never happens. I always toss and turn at night.

Another thing I worry about -- well, I know I can do the monogamy thing. But I've been in relationships before, and the urge to have sex with someone attractive -- Well, it's always there. These almost two years I've been with Len now -- I honestly don't think I've looked at another man or woman, thinking I might want to be with them. That's never happened to me before. I never acted on any of those urges in other relationships, but I still had them. But I'm worried about the day when I do. What happens then? The longest I've been faithful was to my wife, and if I want to be honest with myself, watching porn and fantasizing about half the people you meet while married -- Well, I may have never had sex with anyone else, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to, or fantasize about it more than I should have. I worry about that happening down the road, especially if we're still apart.

And god, Len is an attractive man. He truly is the most gorgeous man I've ever been with. What if he wakes up one day and realizes that? What if he meets someone when we've been apart for, god help us, a year? That could easily happen, and he'd have absolutely no trouble finding someone else. None at all. He may think my gray hair is sexy now, but what about when I'm all gray? And not as good-looking as I am now? It's scary thinking about the day he might wake up and not want someone so old. I'm twenty-two years older than him. Fuck, that's scary as hell to type out.

Shit, I have to get ready for work now. Thank god I'm almost done. I'll probably work late tonight and I have a couple of appointments in the morning. Then I'm going to go pick up my ring, and we leave on a shuttle early Wednesday morning. God, I can't wait. This weekend, after our stop in Florida, I'll actually be in Georgia with Len.

It can't come soon enough.

On to Part 24

Tags: fic: trek, pairing: pike/mccoy, series: to talk of many things
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