Authors: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Word Count: around 5600
Summary: The further correspondence of Leonard McCoy and Christopher Pike. A grievance is aired.
A/N: From skyblue_reverie: THE RETURN OF THE PORN! \o/ (Even better than The Return of the Jedi or The Return of the King, amirite?) Oh, my dearest darling smut, how I have missed you. From mga1999: .... ...After a long weekend of spring cleaning hell, that's all I've got.
Click here for series masterlist with links to all prior parts
To: Leonard McCoy (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: Christopher Pike (email@example.com)
I'm think I'm going to step back from my issues for now. I don't want to downplay them; I'm still struggling, in some ways more than before since they are out in the open now. Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can do right now. I am convinced I simply need to see you -- To prove to my mind that every bit of self-doubt is unfounded. So don't think of it as me whitewashing or avoiding. There truly isn't anything you or I can do until June when we're together.
To prove to you that I'm not trying to avoid this or us, I want to say something, and I'm going to admit, I'm still a bit peeved about it. It's a part of your comm from last year when we were fighting. But it's stayed with me, and it's hurt me all this time, so it's something we definitely need to clear the air on. Or at least I do. It also has to do with the fidelity/trust issue. This is what I'm talking about:
Pretty much from the beginning, I've felt like you thought I was some backwoods hick who insisted on that outdated monogamy business, while you were the sophisticated one who was indulging my whim because clearly I was too ignorant to appreciate the benefits of an open relationship. That comm from you only reinforced that feeling. So tell me what I'm doing wrong here. I've been up-front and honest from the very beginning that I don't want an open relationship. I'm sorry if you think that's stupid.
Now, I'm not sure if you were just lashing out, or trying to hurt me as much as I was unintentionally hurting you. But it's probably what I've had the most problem -- I don't know, forgiving you for from that time. When I wasn't sleeping when we were fighting, I looked through every comm I ever sent you. Replayed every vidcomm with you that I had saved. Thought of any conversation we've had together and I swear Len, I don't get where I ever could have given you the impression that I thought you were just some 'backwoods hick' or that monogamy was outdated. I never made apologies for who I was, Len. I was completely upfront and you admitted you were aware of the rumors from the academy.
Never once did I say I didn't believe in monogamy, or that it was outdated. If you felt that way, it was your self-doubt that caused it. Yes, I know what I just said might be a little harsh, but it's the truth. In fact I told you that I always was faithful when I was in a committed relationship. Granted, I haven't had that many of them, but how many have you had, Len? I would guess we're probably about even there. Yes, I was in open relationships, but those were completely separate. I'm not even sure if they should be called relationships. More like I had a regular fuck buddy and we saw other people. I never lived with any of them, I certainly didn't share anything important in my life with them. In fact other than my wife, my status with Starfleet has never been changed before, not even with Robin. Furthermore, not even my wife was ever put in my will. She and I had a standard pre-nuptial agreement. She got a settlement based on that pre-nup when we divorced. That was it.
Maybe I've gotten off the track a bit here, but Len, this really bothers me. As far as my definition of cheating and duty -- Len, if I was really so anxious to go out and cheat and use 'duty' as an excuse, I think I would have done it more than once during my marriage, especially towards the end when it was clearly over. The time I 'cheated' was unavoidable. You can choose to believe me or not. I really am at a loss to know what to do to prove to you that I don't ever want to cheat on you. The thought of that turns my stomach, Len.
I've always lived my life honorably, Len. Always. When I give my word, it's set in stone. I don't break it. I don't try to find a way out of honoring what I've committed to. It's done. That's it. I will never cheat on you, Len. I wouldn't want to. God, why would I want to? Nothing or no one could ever possibly come close to what I have with you. Haven't I spent enough time telling you how wonderful you are? How beautiful you are? Jesus, Len, when you are under me, your back arched, your head thrown back -- You are the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. I mean that. Don't I make you feel that way, Len? I've been watching our holovids again. I'm trying to -- Well, I'm starting to feel a little more -- I'm jerking off once in awhile. It's better. But Len, watching those vids, even though I have most of the ones where honestly we are just fucking -- They're beautiful. There is just no other word for them. Yes, of course they are hot, but I'm talking about the expressions on your face, and mine, and the obvious love -- God, Len, I want to feel that again without doubting it.
Now, if for some reason I'm blinded by my own certainty, and I'm completely missing anywhere in my comms or our time together that I did somehow make you feel like a 'backwoods hick' then I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry, Len.
I know Dr. Elliott said some stuff that was hard for you hear, well, hard for both of us, in our counseling session on this issue. I don't know if you've thought anymore about what she said or not. I don't want to dwell on it, and I'm trying to be sensitive about it. Considering what's going on with me right now, I know that can't be very reassuring to you, and I'm sorry. That's why I was trying to keep this to myself; to wait until we saw each other. I'm not sure what you want from me right now. Right now, all I can tell you is that I'm trying to be as honest as I possibly can about how I'm feeling and where I am in my still fucked-up mind.
Now, to abruptly switch subjects, thank you for telling me more about your family, Len. Maybe I didn't mention it, though I thought I did, but when I said I had horses on my ranch, well, I breed good old american quarter horses. Nothing fancy, just a good old work horse for people who still ranch. So, honey, if you want to breed horses on your property, whatever kind you want, I'm all for it. You tell me what kind and it's done.
I want to talk more, but I'm wiped as usual. On top of still recovering, can you believe I caught a common cold? Philip can't give me anything because I'm still taking the auto-immune suppressors to make sure your treatment isn't rejected, so I'm pretty miserable. I think the bridge crew was ready to strangle me today if I'd sneezed or blown my nose one more time. I'm okay though, and yes I'm drinking plenty of fluids and resting. Don't worry.
This is where I say that I love you, Len. I just don't know if that means anything to you right now. I hope it does. Because it means something to me.
To: Christopher Pike (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: Leonard McCoy (email@example.com)
Good lord, I'm a moron sometimes. I'm sorry, Chris, for what I said - that paragraph you quoted. I read that now and I wince. It wasn't directed at you. I was mad and I was hurting and it's obviously an issue I feel defensive about - I know exclusive monogamy is not very "in" and it's considered bizarre and outdated by a lot of people, some of whom have made pretty snide comments to me over the years. But you've never been one of them, and I'm sorry I said that.
God, Chris, the crap that sometimes comes out of my mouth when I'm pissed off. I'm not proud of it, and yeah, it's something I'm working on with Dr. Pagao. Not making excuses, but it's something I picked up from my daddy, and he picked it up from his. At least it's gotten better through the generations - my daddy wasn't as bad as his, and I'm not as bad as mine. Damn, Chris, you think I've got a temper, you should've heard him on a tear. Anyway, I'm getting off-topic. The point is, I'm sorry, Chris, really sorry I said those things, and I hope you can forgive me.
Yeah, Dr. Elliott had some tough words for me about trusting you. I don't like that woman, Chris. But that's neither here nor there. I do trust you, I swear I do, and I'm going to start showing you that I do. I know that's more in what I don't do than what I do, if that makes sense, so it might take a while for you to notice. But I swear I'm going to do it, and if I start getting scared again, I'm going to re-read your last comm, where you said flat out that you will never cheat on me. And by the way - good god, your description of how I look when I'm under you - fuck, I want to be under you again like that. I want that so badly I can taste it.
I know right now you're in a tough place, not sure that what you feel is real, or not able to make your head and heart agree about whether it's real. I get that. I'm not going to rush you or pressure you. But I'll just say - darlin', as soon as we see each other in June, as soon as we touch each other, I think all of that doubt is going to just melt away. But if not - well, we'll work through that too, all right?
All right, enough heavy stuff for now. Glad you liked the background about my family. You said your father's people come from Australia - what about your mother's? As I said, my daddy's people go back to the time of the American Revolution. My mama's people came over a bit later - mid-twentieth century. They were refugees from World War II. The stories that have been handed down - well, they'd turn your stomach. I'm glad that we humans finally got our act together and stopped killing each other in useless wars. Of course, now we just fight other civilizations that haven't gotten the memo. Anyway, sorry for the digression.
As far as breeding horses - well, it never made it out of the realm of boyhood fantasy, so I don't really know what kind of horses I'd like to breed, or honestly, whether that would even still appeal if it got down to it. But we've got time to figure all that out. I'd love to see the horses on your ranch, maybe do some riding with you. Lord, it's been a long time since I've been riding.
Well, I think that's about all, and I've got to run to meet Lt. Uhura at the gym. She said my self-defense moves were "pathetic" and so apparently I'm her new project. I just hope I survive.
I love you, Chris. You're everything to me.
To: Leonard McCoy (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: Christopher Pike (email@example.com)
Warning you in advance, this might be a little short. Still have the cold and am already almost nodding off, but I didn't want another day to pass before I wrote you. Now, before you go getting all worried, Philip is sure it's just a cold and I'm fine. Just taking longer to clear up with my immune system suppressed. Stop worrying.
Thank you for the apology. It helps. I can't promise you that I won't be a little sensitive to that issue in particular for awhile, but I do feel better, simply getting it off my chest and knowing you really don't feel that way. For the record, I don't think you're a moron, so quit calling yourself one. As long as we can talk about these things without pushing each other's buttons, like you said, we love each other enough to get through anything.
I had to laugh when you said you didn't like Dr. Elliott. You aren't supposed to like her, because I didn't either at first. Heck, I probably still don't like her. She's no nonsense, tells it like it is, doesn't mince words. Sound familiar? Dr. Rossen says she's the best one in town though and I trust Dr. Rossen implicitly to know what I need. It's funny, I remember when I had lunch with Jim one day when we were on earth in October. It was the day after our first joint session. I told him I didn't think you liked her much, and when I described her methods, I believe he said something like: "Hell no, Bones isn't going to like her. The first time she tells him something he doesn't like, you'll hear about it. Believe me. He doesn't like being told he's wrong." That might not be exactly what he said, but pretty damn close. I think the idea was, we aren't supposed to like her, but learning to work with her, and trust her, is going to help us at the same time. Or more-so, me, since I'm the one that really sees her.
My mother's side of the family -- Well, that's an interesting story. I think I told you her mother was from what was Newfoundland and Labrador, and is now part of Greenland. My grandfather, well, they were all from Texas and Oklahoma for generations. Like I mentioned, my grandfather's family were all in the oil business originally. So my grandfather had gone up to the city where they had old oilfields from well over a hundred and fifty years ago. They'd never sold the land, and the buildings and wells were still pretty much there too. Long shut down, but there nonetheless. So my grandfather had gone up to oversee demolition of the wells and buildings and make sure the land was stable and environmentally safe to put up for sale. He was there about seven months, and about a month after he arrived, he met my grandmother at church. Her father was the pastor. Needless to say, they fell in love, snuck around, and my grandfather snatched the pastor's daughter. They were married a little over seventy years. Granny was barely eighteen when my grandfather, who was 27, married her and brought her home with him.
So yeah, I come from a long line of family who had very long successful marriages. I honestly don't think there was a divorce in my family for almost a hundred and fifty years, until my father's, and then mine. I think I remember a great-uncle on my father's side getting divorced when I was really young, but I'm not sure. I suppose my father gets a pass, though, since he was married for twenty years the first time, and now to my mom for fifty-five. So I'm the maverick of the family, as my grandmother likes to remind me regularly. I think my parents had given up on me ever settling down or having grandchildren when I married Lisa. I'll admit, that's one reason I married her -- To give my parents grandchildren. Not that I didn't want them too; like I said before, my 'clock' had been ticking for quite awhile. I just wasn't really ready at the time and I knew it, and did it anyway. Wait, that kind of sounds bad, doesn't it? I don't know, Len. I think it was a little family pressure and pressure from myself too. My father would go on and on about an heir. Which I never thought of as a big deal because it's not like he got into the family wine business, and there are plenty of male offspring in Australia to carry that on for several generations.
Well, it's Sunday so I'm going to jerk off thinking about you and take a long nap. I'm working gamma shift for Sato tonight. It's her birthday, so it's the least I can do.
I'll write more tomorrow. I know I have things I haven't talked about yet, I just think they will be better delved into after I've had some sleep.
God, I miss you. I cannot wait to have you in my arms, honey. I love you.
To: Leonard McCoy (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: Christopher Pike (email@example.com)
How about that? I'm writing you back the same day. I'm on gamma shift right now, I'm bored, and I've surprisingly finished all my paperwork, so I'm letting an ensign sit in the Captain's chair while I write you in my ready room. Don't tell Starfleet, okay?
Now, where were we? How about horses? That's a neutral subject to talk about while I wrap my mind around what else we need to address. If you aren't sure what you want to breed, may I suggest either Thoroughbreds or Arabians? The former would be good since horse racing is still big in the south. Of course, it's big everywhere, but most of the breeding farms are back your way so it's easy to breed and sell. I've also always loved the look of Arabians. I actually have one at the ranch that I traded two quarter horses for a few years ago. She's prime age now to breed, so if that might sound good to you, I can look into doing that. Annie would love that.
Did you ride a lot as a child? I can ride both Western and English, but I prefer the former. Which do you prefer? I did equestrian for two summers when I was, oh, I think eleven and twelve. After that, I was too interested in my band and then girls to do much more of it.
Speaking of Annie, let me give you a rundown of what's going on at the Georgia house. It's being painted on the outside. Same color as it was. There were a few gutters that needed replacing, two or three sections of siding, a shutter or two. The roof is in surprisingly good condition. The outside cellar door was cracking so I had them replace that. All the outbuildings are being painted too. Some fencing around the stables is being fixed. All the fireplaces and chimneys have been cleaned. Annie has hired someone to give the whole place a good dusting, cleaning, and remove the furniture covers the week before we arrive. Then, on her way to Florida, she will stop and fill it with groceries and necessities so it will ready for our arrival after my parents' anniversary party. You'll meet her at my parents' place. She's heading back home to Mojave after spending a week or so with family in Florida.
Now, a possibly sensitive question for you, and if you don't want to decide now, don't want to do anything, just say so. But she asked what room we want to stay in while we're there. She says she knows which one was obviously the master bedroom, but it didn't look like anyone had lived there for over a decade. She also found what she is assuming was the room that your father lived in. I'm assuming your father didn't want to stay in the master bedroom after your mother died, and moved into one of the other bedrooms? Len, she wants to know which room to make up for us and I honestly didn't know what to tell her. It's your house, but she wanted to buy new bedding, or put one of the many quilts she says are in bags in one of the closets. Let me know what you want her to do. She says of course all the beds are stripped down to their mattresses with covers over them. If you do want to see it as-is first, maybe we could buy new stuff while I'm there, you know, our own bed, our own furniture. I'm not saying this is what we should do; from the holos I've seen, there are some beautiful antiques in those rooms. I want to do whatever is easier for you, all right?
So, let's get back to a difficult issue. I'm not sure I'll get to both, but let's start with Robin. Robin was a lieutenant commander and helmsman on the ship I got my first command on. I was thirty one, thought I owned the universe -- Imagine a slightly older version of Jim Kirk, but worse. And no, I'm not kidding. Robin was beautiful, and exactly my type in every way. She was a force to be reckoned with, afraid of nothing, spoke her mind, was a perfectionist and demanded the same from those around her. A real spitfire, like I said. She had long dark-brown hair, the most beautiful green eyes, and well, her body? It was lush and curvy, and to be crude, she had tits I could fuck. That is how I liked my women, Len. Every woman I've ever been with starting from my first was like that. So when I told you that Commander Sato wasn't my type, I meant it. I like curves, not model-thin sticks. Does that help?
We flirted wildly when we weren't around others for over a year. I honestly never had any intention of it being more than that. At the time, I was seeing someone else. I won't go into it because I don't think it's necessary to delve through all of our past lovers -- Unless you want to, Len. If you want to know, just ask. I have absolutely no problem with that, okay? The relationship I was trying to have fizzled out and about two years into our tour we had shore leave on a tropical planet. I was walking down the beach one night and saw her sitting in the sand and she had on this green dress that showed off her every curve -- Needless to say, we started something that night. It was never really serious or committed until about the last six months of her life. We stopped many times. She was at a starbase for a year and a half once before transferring back to my ship as my first officer. She was even engaged to someone else for awhile. Like I said before, it wasn't really a love story, Len. We fell into what I thought was real love, and I guess it probably was in some ways, but it was based on proximity and familiarity. I was just past forty, she was thirty five. We were compatible. We were a good pair and I think we probably could have made it work. She'd decided she didn't want to be captain of a ship. She felt she could instruct better and with her absolute determination, I know she would have turned out some excellent command-track candidates. So she was going to finish out her tour, we were going to have a baby and get married -- In fact, we were going to start trying for a baby that shore leave when she died. We figured she'd get pregnant, we'd get back to earth and get married. I'd stay until the baby was born and then head back out. Our plan was that she'd be on earth with our kids, and I'd be in space and probably retire to earth when I was fifty or so.
So that's my story with Robin. I was, at the time, pretty devastated. Like I said, I went home to the desert after that. We only had five months left on the tour when it happened, so Starfleet just brought us home early instead of trying to integrate a hundred new crew members. So I took that time as leave, and mourned, and then signed on for another tour. I was pretty damn jaded after that for awhile and I don't think I was ever with the same person for more than a night or a quick and dirty fuck somewhere.
About two years after, I was starting to want something more than that again. My tour on the ship I was on was only for three, so I decided when I was on my last shore leave on earth before it ended, I was going to find someone. Yes, Len, I can see you shaking your head at me, but that's how it went. Like I said, I met Lisa at a bar -- a nice bar though. She was twenty-six, blonde and blue-eyed, soft and curvy just like I like. Normally, I would have taken her to a room and fucked her. But I liked her and thought, okay Chris, let's try this the old-fashioned way. So we talked, and laughed. I kissed her hand goodnight, got her number and we dated actually four times before we slept together. It happened pretty fast and then I had to leave. I went back into space for the last six months of my tour; we kept in touch on vidcomm. I fell in love with the idea of a family and giving my parents grandchildren. I came back, we spent a long weekend in bed. I took a job recruiting for a year so I could see how things progressed with her. It went well. She moved in with me (not at our apartment); I proposed; we got married within a couple of months. We started trying for a baby soon after. Six months later I took off for another five-year tour. I think if she had gotten pregnant right away, we might have been okay. We kept trying the first year, every time I came home or she came to visit me if I was on shore leave somewhere else. I was happy, I guess. She was a wonderful woman, Len. Bottom line, she was young and alone the notion that being married to a Starfleet Captain who'd come home a couple times a year and we'd have a rendezvous one or two other times off planet -- It wasn't as romantic as she thought it would be. Instead, it was lonely -- For both of us, really.
Not even two years into our marriage, we both just kinda -- well, it changed. We both stopped talking about kids. She didn't want to use any medical intervention to have a baby. She said if it was meant to happen, it would. Obviously, it didn't. She asked me if I'd been faithful to her and I told her yes, and I had. I didn't ask her the same question, not really wanting to know the answer. Things got a little better for awhile. My ship was ferrying diplomats for about eight months straight so I was home a lot more, for at least a few days at a time. But then I went out to deep space and was gone for over a year. When I came back things had changed. She was distant, and we tried to reconnect, but it just didn't happen. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she didn't know anymore. So I went back to deep space, about five months this time. That was the time that I slept with a king on a planet, Len. Their customs and culture required the two rulers to 'bind' so that the races would be forever bound as kin. There was no way out of it that I or my science and communications officers could find. If my marriage had been in a different place -- I'll be honest -- I might have tried harder to find a way out of it. That might not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth, Len. It didn't mean anything. It wasn't that great. That was it. Next time I came home, Lisa confessed she'd been seeing someone for over two years. She was in love, wanted to marry him, and she wanted a divorce. I was indifferent really. I think I mourned more for the loss of 'the life' I wanted, than my marriage. She was pregnant with his baby before our divorce was even final and they got married right after. That was that.
I gave up on that life, pretty much. I was resigned to the fact that I wouldn't have kids unless I adopted them on my own after I retired. I was absolutely never going to get married again; I didn't see the point. I went back to my old ways. I was pretty content and happy, to be honest. I had regular lovers both at home and on my ship. Then the Narada happened and most importantly, you. I wasn't looking for anything, Len. I told you that. This completely took me by surprise, but god, I'm glad it did. I mean it. You changed my life, Leonard McCoy. No matter what happens, know that, and I am forever grateful for the time we've had together. And if I have my way, we'll have at least another fifty years together.
Now, I know we haven't done this for awhile, but there is something I've been thinking about ever since Annie sent me the holos of your -- I mean our -- house. I saw your childhood bedroom, and your bed. And for a week now, all I've been able to think about is those spindles on each side of the solid part of the headboard of your bed. They look strong and sturdy. So let me ask you, Len. Did you ever have anyone in that bed? Did anyone ever kiss you, touch you, or suck you off in it? Did they, Len?
Because I'm telling you, I'm going to do that. I'm going to start out with us fully clothed, and we're going to kiss and make out in that bed. I'm going to rut against you in our clothes until we both come. I'm going to take your shirt off and kiss down your chest, and bite and lick your nipples until you are squirming under me. Then I'm going to stick my hand down your pants, and use your come to get you all slick and hard again. I'll kiss down your stomach, biting at that spot just above your waist near your hip that makes you buck under me. I'll unzip your pants, and lick the come off your beautiful cock and then swallow you down, until you come deep in my throat screaming my name.
Then I'm going to put that headboard to use, Len. I'm going to tie your hands to the spindles using a silk cloth. Once I've done that, I'm going to stand at the end of your bed while I slowly undress, watching you there, all naked and tied up and waiting for me. God, I love your body. I'm going to grab the lube and slowly get you ready for me, one finger at a time. So slow that you'll be begging for my cock, Len. Begging. And I'll give it to you, Len. I'll wrap your legs around my back, and I'll slide in so carefully, so slowly, just like it's your first time. And once you adjust to me in you, and relax, I'm going to move my hands to the spindles next to yours, and I'm going to fuck you hard, Len. Fuck you right into the mattress of your childhood bed, never taking my eyes off of yours, seeing you underneath me, watching you take my cock. You are mine, Len. Mine. No one will ever have you in that bed, or anywhere else, ever again. I may not be your first, but if I have my way, I will be your last.
God, Len. I am so hard, so turned on thinking about doing this to you. I want to fuck you everywhere there, Len. I want you to show me the spot you fucked Jenny the first time, because I'm going to take you under that tree if it's still there. You show me -- Anywhere you were ever with her or anyone else. I want to fuck you all those places. Make them mine, make you know that no one will ever have you anywhere again. Only me.
If I wasn't in my ready room, if I didn't have to go back on the bridge, I'd come right now, and come hard. Thinking of you, your name on my lips, and thinking about that bed. Fuck, I might just do it anyway. Jerk off right here. Right where you fucked me hard over my desk, pounded into me.
Oh, I just came, baby. So hard and all for you.
God, I can't wait. Six weeks. Seven before I'll have you in your childhood bed. Think about that.
I love you. You've changed my life and I'm so grateful for that.
Part 20 here