Remix Author: skyblue_reverie
Original Fic and Author: The Power of Friendship by linelenagain
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot, primarily Kirk/McCoy (others mentioned)
Word Count: around 2000
Summary: Janice Rand and Christine Chapel are making plans, but the boys have plans of their own...
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anything whatsoever is purely coincidental.
A/N : As practice for remix/redux and just for fun, linelenagain and I decided to remix one of each other's fics. This is my effort - I hope it pleases! You really have to read her original story before you read this, or it won't make much sense. It's well worth reading, I promise! :)
"Chapel and Rand are staring again," Bones leaned forward to murmur to Jim.
"Yeah, I know. What's strange is how they could think I'd be chosen as the captain of the 'fleet's flagship if I didn't have enough power of observation to notice two otherwise-sensible women constantly whispering and staring at us." Jim punctuated this comment with a large bite of his disgustingly over-sweetened oatmeal. As if there was any nutritional benefit left once it was drowned in mountains of sugar.
Bones made a comment to this effect, and they were temporarily sidetracked into a familiar argument that they both enjoyed. It was practically foreplay. Then he brought the conversation back around to the two who were still trying, and failing, to be inconspicuous in their staring.
"By the way, Jim, you could've given me more warning than 'Hey, go with me on this' when you told me you'd had a one-night stand on Risa the other day in front of Christine, you know. I didn't have the first clue what you were up to. Still don't, actually. You're just lucky I didn't murder you."
"Aww, come on, Bones, you know I'd never cheat on you. Besides, I already told you, I was testing a theory."
Bones rolled his eyes. "Care to elaborate?"
Jim smiled mysteriously. "I'll give you another hint. You know that holo of us that I keep on my nightstand? The one from our camping trip to Yosemite - you know, it was taken the morning after the first time we - "
"Yeah, Jim, I know the holo. What about it?"
"Well, I sent Rand back to my quarters the other day on some bogus errand and then when I went back there later, the holo had been moved. I keep it at a very specific angle relative to the pillow so that I can - anyway, that's not important, but the point is that it had been moved. She picked it up and looked at it, Bones."
Bones was completely baffled. "So the hell what, Jim? You've totally lost me here."
"Chapel and Rand, Bones. They're friends. They talk to each other about stuff. And they think we're cute together, I'd bet my... well, I'd bet your life on it, anyway."
"Nice, Jim. Thanks. So what are you saying, that they know about us?"
"Bones, please. Nobody knows about us. I'm a master of subtlety. Hey, stop laughing. You know my obviousness is all a devious act."
Bones choked back a chuckle. "Uh-huh. Sure. So if they don't know, then what is your point?"
"They're going to try to play matchmaker for us, that's my point, Bones. And I've got a little plot of my own in return. Geez, do you need everything spelled out for you?"
"You're insane, Jim. And you're due in my sickbay in five for your allergy shots, by the way."
"Aw, man! I've still got a bruise from that last allergy hypo you gave me. That was quick thinking, by the way, calling them STI boosters for Chapel's benefit, to go along with my cover story. I was impressed."
"Those were STI boosters, you idiot. I wasn't taking any chances - I'm the one who sleeps with you, after all; I don't want to catch your space crabs. And no changing the subject - sickbay, five minutes, or I send two orderlies to the bridge to drag you there."
"Tell you what, I'll have a staring contest with you. You win, I'll go quietly. I win, you put it off until tomorrow." Jim smiled charmingly.
Bones considered, but couldn't see a downside. One day's delay wasn't going to hurt anything if he lost, but he didn't intend to lose. "Plus winner gets a blowjob in his office this afternoon."
"Done," Kirk said firmly, then narrowed his eyes. "And get ready, Bones, 'cause I plan to win this one."
He didn't. Bones very much enjoyed his winnings, and no matter what Jim said, he hadn't cheated. Much.
Bones didn't really put much stock in Jim's paranoid fantasies about Chapel and Rand trying to get them together, but hell, it couldn't hurt to be a little careful. So he made a mental note to watch for anything out of the ordinary.
So, less than two weeks later, when Christine spilled Andorian-flatworm anti-venom on him, he thought it was a little strange, especially given how careful she usually was. And then, when he got to his quarters to clean up and discovered that the only shirt he had left was the forest-green one that she'd recently remarked brought out his eyes, he was pretty goddamn suspicious. Then finally, when he got back to sickbay and found that Jim was conveniently there to see him in said shirt - damn, he'd forgotten it was the day Jim's vaccination updates were scheduled - well, he was sure.
Then came the migraine, and Bones wanted to confront Rand and Chapel. Actually, he wanted to give them a blistering dressing-down that neither of them would ever forget. Ridiculous laundry pranks were one thing, but actually poisoning the captain - no, worse than that, poisoning the man he loved - well, that was just beyond the pale. When he said as much to a wincing Jim, he insisted that Bones do nothing, though.
"My counter-insurgency plan is going according to schedule, Bones - you can't mess it up now!"
"Screw your plan, Jim, they poisoned you."
"Pfft. They gave me a little headache. And, by the way, Chapel's suggestion that you rub my temples is a lovely idea. I'll have to thank her for that later. Now, how about a kiss?"
"Jim, you know sickbay's monitored."
"Yeah, I know. That was the point - let 'em think their scheme is working. Just a little one?"
"Fine. Then... meet me in your quarters in fifteen? You can try rubbing a different body part, see if that soothes my headache."
"I do my best. So, fifteen?"
"...Yeah, fifteen. Oh, wait, make it twenty, I've got to stop at the commissary for more lube."
"Twenty it is."
Jim had warned him to expect a last, blatant move from Janice and Christine. "They're getting desperate, Bones. That's always when the enemy's most likely to make a tactical error."
"Since when are they the enemy, Jim? I thought you liked 'em. I think their scheming is kind of... well, it's kind of endearing, actually. They mean well."
"Bones, 'enemy' is a figure of speech. 'Opponent,' if you prefer. Point is, they're going to mess up, and they're going to mess up big-time, by doing something that can too easily be checked. Probably one of 'em will try to tell me that you confessed your feelings for me, or vice versa."
"How could you possibly know that, Jim?"
"Genius, remember? It's why you love me."
"And so modest, too."
"Eh, modesty is for losers who are too afraid to own their own awesomeness."
"Thanks a lot, Jim."
"Oh, you know I didn't mean you. When you're modest it's cute."
"Nice recovery there."
"I know. Anyway, so be on the lookout. You know, when all this is over, I'm going to get Rand on the command track. Don't know how she ended up a yeoman in the first place. Maybe it's that awful basket-weave hairdo - who can take a person seriously when they've got hair like that? I'd take Chapel too but I know you'd murder me if I lured her away from sickbay."
"I would. But she's talked about going back to med school, and I'm trying to get her to do it. She's a fantastic nurse, but she deserves a sickbay of her own, if that's what she wants."
"And someday Rand'll need a good CMO. That works out perfectly, then, Bones."
"Good lord, Jim, do you have everyone's lives all planned out for them?"
"No, just the bridge crew and a few others."
"Oh, well that's a relief. I just hope you're devoting a little bit of your brainpower to, you know, actually doing your job."
"Bones, you know that being Captain is a lot of hurry up and wait. It leaves me lots of time for other things."
"That's a scary, scary thought, Jim."
"Tell me about it."
Not too many days later, as soon as Bones got to sickbay, Christine started babbling about a comm intended for Rand that she'd accidentally sent to him. He smirked a bit, figuring it had to do with one of their gambits. She'd accidentally sent one of her strategy comms to him instead of to Rand. Oh, this was going to be fun. Then he read the message.
In response to your query, no, I find it absolutely implausible that Doctor McCoy could harbor those sorts of feelings for Captain Kirk. He has never exhibited anything but the utmost professionalism in the captain’s presence, or given any indication that he and the captain are more than the best of friends.
I realize this may be difficult for Kirk to hear, but you’re going to have to break the news to him. If you can do it subtly, fine, if not, the sooner the better. It may be painful, but so is unrequited love. He should start moving on as soon as possible.
When he had finished reading, he was utterly confused. Maybe Jim had been wrong, and the two weren't trying to get them together?
He pointed a finger at her. “What the hell is this all about?”
Christine sighed. “Yeoman Rand messaged me regarding the captain’s recent emotional state. Apparently, he’s been in love with you for some time, and Janice is concerned. She wanted to know if she should try and let him down easy.”
He froze, mouth agape, finger still hovering in midair. After a long moment, he gave himself a shake. Shit, Jim was right. Goddamnit, how come Jim was always right? It was downright aggravating. Anyway, time to focus on acting, like they'd planned. Or at least, time to focus on not being too completely obvious about the fact that he was onto her until he could make an escape.
He got out of there as fast as he could, dropping his PADD in his hurry to escape before he gave everything away by bursting into laughter. He found Jim, dragged him to his ready room, and they laid their own final plans in place.
After Janice and Christine had half-run and half-stumbled out of the mess, Jim sat back and gave him a wide grin, the kind that had made Bones fall in love with him in the first place.
"Revenge is sweet, eh, Bones?"
"I gotta admit, that was fun."
"It was really kind of adorable watching them get so much closer, trying to get us together. So what do you think they're gonna do when they realize that they're booked into the honeymoon suite of the Risa Ritz-Carlton?" Jim's eyes twinkled, and Bones knew he was recalling a few of the memories they'd made in that particular room last time they'd been to Risa. Before Jim could start telling raunchy anecdotes in the mess, though, Bones got him back on-track.
"Don't forget the 'house arrest' order and security guard you've posted at their door. God damn, I wish I could see the look on their faces when they realize."
"Oh, and Bones, your suggestion that all of their luggage be mysteriously 'lost' in transit was a stroke of genius. They won't have a stitch to wear. And now, speaking of being naked... shall we finish this conversation in my quarters?" He winked at Bones and then, without waiting for an answer, got to his feet and started walking out the door, knowing Bones would be behind him.
"God damn it, man, I'm a doctor, not a gigolo," Bones growled under his breath, before giving in and following Jim, as he always had and always would.