Sky (skyblue_reverie) wrote,

Trek Fic: Shed a Bitter Tear (Pike/McCoy NC-17)

Title: Shed a Bitter Tear (Part 12 of To Talk of Many Things)
Authors: mga1999 and skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Pike/McCoy
Rating: NC-17 lite (kind of soft-core-ish)
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: around 3000
Summary: The further correspondence of Leonard McCoy and Christopher Pike. Len gets all emo. :O
Authors' Notes: From skyblue_reverie (the loud one): Okay, okay, here's part 12! Don't kill us, please! From mga1999 (the quiet one): The angst is all her fault. I wanted sunshine and porn, really. :P

Previous Parts:
Part 1, Of Cabbages and Kings
Part 2, Of Sails and Ships and Sealing Wax
Part 3, Scrambling to the Shore
Part 4, The Time Has Come
Part 5, The Sun Was Shining Brightly
Part 6, A Pleasant Walk, A Pleasant Talk
Part 7, The Moon Was Shining Sulkily
Part 8, Why the Sea Is Boiling Hot
Part 9, The Middle of the Night
Part 10, Thick and Fast They Came At Last
Part 11, After the Day Was Done

To: Leonard McCoy (
From: Christopher Pike (

Dear Len,

Last few days on the Exeter have been uneventful. Not complaining though. The crew is getting used to each other and already improving on efficiency slightly ahead of where I expected them to be. Just ran a surprise drill during gamma shift, and can't get back to sleep, so I decided to write you.

God, I miss you. It's as simple as that. Being able to sleep next to you for six nights -- well, I've never slept better than when you're in bed next to me. It killed me to let the yeoman change the sheets the other day, even though your smell was gone.

I went through the raw footage looking for the night before my birthday. Sadly, I seem to have the first three days, so obviously you have it. I also found it quite interesting to watch the first three days, or as I'm now referring to them, the 'fucking' days, because that's pretty much all they were. Quick and constant hard and fast fucks. Half the time, we didn't even finish undressing. And these are just from the bedroom. I don't think we always made it back there. Like you described it the night of the ball -- like wolverines. That's a good description. I guess we were working off months of not being with each other. I think that night before my birthday was the first time we went slow and made love.

As much as I want to talk about my birthday more, I need to get serious here. Len, I don't know how I can help you feel better about Commander Kato. I had another sit down with her. And I made it perfectly clear to her if she kept making any overt gestures or made further insinuations about your fidelity from the gossipnets, that I would bring her up on charges before she could blink. She wasn't happy, but I think it's pretty clear she knows I'm not going to tolerate it. And I won't. The last few days she's been nothing but professional. I'm sorry your mind automatically goes to dark places. So yes, the shoe is on the other foot now. I was the same way about Jim, but I do have to admit I'm not quite as morbid as you are.

Tell me what I can do to help, Len. I will tell you, though, that she has moved on to screwing around with my chief engineer, if that helps. She's young, Len. She's only twenty-eight. She's ambitious and it's her first command. Plus she seems to have a libido the size of Jim's. She'll settle down. I wouldn't have brought her on my crew if I thought she'd be a problem. So please, know that I love you. Know that you are the only one I want, and frankly, I am not attracted to her at all. She's not my type. Okay, honey?

Now, to your humility. I know you are a humble guy, Len. And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact I find it hot as hell for the most part. It's just when you put yourself down. That's what bothers me. You are so much more than the man you think you are, Leonard McCoy. I sometimes wish you could see yourself through my eyes, or even Jim's eyes. You do realize he teases you so much to get you out of your self-loathing, right? And it works, whether you admit it or not. I'm not that type. I don't tease like he does. I'm direct and to-the-point, and that probably doesn't help. I don't want you to think I'm being harsh about this, I just want you to love yourself as much as I love you. I know that's not easy, though, and I'm going to try to be patient about that.

As I said to you before, it was your attractiveness that initially got my attention. And I'll admit, if I hadn't been in the chair, I might have only spent a few nights together with you, and that would have been tragic. Because that's always been my problem. I go for the looks, have sex, and in most cases, never look beyond that. I'm glad I got a chance to look beyond that. I fell in love with you before we even had sex, Len. I'm actually glad I couldn't that first time you were here because frankly, that might have been it. A few days of fucking, and after you left I might have gone looking for something else. I'm being completely honest here. That's how I was.

I fell in love with my first officer by proximity, Len. Only because I was forced to look beyond the sex after years of us being together off and on. I did love her, though; I'm not going to lie and say I didn't. We were talking marriage, we were talking kids, we were finally committed after almost ten years of our little 'game' with each other. And then I lost her. Just like that. I was devastated. I almost gave up my command, that's how devastated I was. But I took the time I needed in the desert and three months later I was back on my ship. And yes, back to my old ways.

Years later, I married my wife, because like I said, she fit the criteria I was looking for. I'd decided it was time. I was going to find someone and get married and settle down. And that's pretty much what happened. I met her at a bar. For once I didn't take her home like I would have previously. We dated, we started sleeping together. She moved in. We got married. She didn't get pregnant before I shipped out like we hoped for, nor did she the couple times I was back the first year or so.

Those relationships just weren't meant to be, Len. I believe that now. My grandmother always says 'everything happens for a reason.' I used to roll my eyes at her. But she's right. She's absolutely right. Because if events had played out any differently, I wouldn't have you, Len. And that would be the biggest tragedy of all. Because I cannot imagine my life without you anymore. And that's nothing I have ever felt in my life. I wasn't looking for anything when we started writing these letters, and you weren't either. Like you said before, it caught us both by surprise.

So to answer your question, I don't care what you look like anymore. I don't care how badly you age. I don't, I really don't. I just want you with me, Len. Even if we could never have sex again, I'd want you with me.

You're my home, Len.

There's more I want to say, and need to answer from your last letter, but some of these memories -- well, they are a little tough -- and it's 0330. I have Beta shift tomorrow, but I have a vidcomm with Dr. Elliott in the morning, so I'd better sign off. I'll write more tomorrow.

I love you.


Dear Len,

Long day. Never did sleep much more than a couple of hours, so I think I will be resting my tired body in that great jacuzzi bath you had my medical team authorize for my quarters. Don't think Philip didn't tell me you were the catalyst for that. But thank you anyway. I only wish you were here to enjoy it with me.

My session with Dr. Elliott this morning was interesting. I was tired. I was a bit on edge. I discussed the comm I'd just sent you and by the time it was over I came to the conclusion that I really am not good at this relationship stuff. Half of the things she has said to me since I started seeing her would have never occurred to me. Some of that came out in my last comm to you. It helped her a lot to get to meet you while we were home. I have a question for you now, that she brought up today. I wish it had come up when we were on Earth, but anyway - she wants to schedule a vidcomm with Jim. She thought I would have a problem with it, but frankly I didn't. I told her it was fine and if it's okay with you, would you mind asking Jim? I'd rather keep you and I out of my comms with him. I think it's helping us continue to repair the problems I caused. So let me know.

Speaking of Jim. No, of course I haven't shared any details of our sex life with him. Save for a comm I jokingly sent him once about the fact that you might be walking crooked -- and let's say after that he asked me not to go there anymore. You know tactics is my forte, and I used a bit of shock value early on so he would leave us alone. His Enterprise christening came up because we had dinner shortly before her re-launch, before we were even involved. And yes, we 'captain types' talk about that stuff. You knew Jim and I had a lot in common in that regard. I had fun walking down memory lane with him that time over dinner. But I promise you, nothing between us will ever be part of any discussion with him, or with anyone else.

Really though, I'm glad you and Jim got to spend some time relaxing together. The two of you needed it. I know you're constantly in a state of stress worrying about him on the ship, and rightfully so. I know that you know this, and make cracks about him on purpose, but in most ways, Jim is more vulnerable than either of us. We both know most of his bravado is an act, an easy way to deflect people from seeing the real Jim Kirk. It's easier for him to hide, but I'm telling you, Len -- That kid feels deeper about things than anyone I've ever seen. So keep an eye on that. You're probably the only one who can. I was touched at all the holos he had framed. He sent me a picture of them up in our place. He also told me he had had one of us at the ball framed to put up in his quarters. If he put it up next to the one of you and him kissing, we may have to have words, though.

Now onto happier things. Like my birthday. I have to admit, I've never had anyone bring me breakfast in bed before. And I'm not used to having anyone take care of me either. But I could definitely get used to it. You spoil me, Len. And that's not anything I ever thought I would really want, but damn, I have to admit it feels good. I have a lot to live up to next time we're together for your birthday. And while you didn't wake me up with your mouth on my cock, when you 'accidentally' dropped those peaches down there and had to go lick them off? Fuck, Len. Every time I don't think I could possibly come any harder, you outdo yourself. And tasting my semen mixed with peaches in your mouth kissing you after? Yeah, I definitely want to see that part of the holovids again.

So you like my singing, huh? I was never the lead singer of any of the bands I was in, but I'd sing backup. My voice is okay, much better unamplified. It's ironic how my voice can carry so well when I'm giving a command, but not when I was singing in a crowded noisy room. Which is just as well. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, just as you are.

I can't believe you had the crystal made into a ring. What a fantastic idea. Really. Send me the info on the jeweler you went to and if I unexpectedly make it back earlier than you do, I'll get mine done too. The idea that you're wearing that crystal in a ring -- The first time I read that, I got a lump in my throat, Len. It means -- Well, it means a lot.

As far as the colors, you're probably right about the yellow. I'm very happy most of the time when I'm on duty, but there is always quite a bit of stress thrown in for good measure. Of course I thrive on stress, which probably explains why it swirls both colors. Yours is a little pink right now. I don't know if that means you're close to getting angry, or something else. You'll have to let me know.

That jacuzzi bath is calling me now. The back spasms are back the last couple of days. Philip says it's nothing serious, so don't worry. I'm sure it's stress, and the fact that I need to move around instead of sitting in the captain's chair as much as I do. Just little adjustments I need to make since I'm still not quite a hundred percent.

Love you, honey. I hope these two comms reassure you how much.


To: Christopher Pike (
From: Leonard McCoy (

Dear Chris,

Tomorrow the Enterprise is departing, so this is my last night on earth, in our apartment, for a while. And I'm a little drunk, and a little lonely, and re-reading your last couple of comms, and just - you keep saying that I'm a good person, that I should love myself, but you don't know.

So before I lose my nerve, I want to tell you the rest of the story about my father. I already told you that he was on life support - he had pyrrhoneuritis, and he was in constant pain. Agony, really. I told you he begged me to turn off the machines that were keeping him alive. God, Chris, he begged. My daddy did not beg, ever. He might yell, or command, or rage, and those things I knew how to handle. But he didn't beg, until he did, and I had no idea how to deal with it. I tried to resist him, but, well... I've told you this part. I gave him an overdose of sedatives and then I turned off the life support.

And then, three weeks later, when it was announced that they'd discovered a cure for pyrrhoneuritis... fuck, Chris. I'd killed my own daddy and for nothing. If I'd been stronger, had forced him to hang on just a little longer... I wanted to die myself. I pretty much crawled into a bottle and didn't come out until I joined Starfleet.

Anyway, that's the part I already told you. The rest involves Jocelyn, and I just couldn't tell you then. I'd already told you I was a murderer, I couldn't face the look in your eye when I told you the rest. So here goes, and yeah, I know I'm a coward for doing this by letter when you're millions of light-years away.

Jocelyn knew what I'd done. I never told her, but she knew. She hated me for it. I don't blame her. I swore an oath, Chris, an oath to protect life, to do no harm. And I broke that oath, and my father died for it. If I hadn't, he'd probably still be alive and healthy today.

So then she lost the baby, and a marriage that was already in trouble went to hell in a handbasket in a damn hurry. We were fighting one night - well, it was what we did most nights, to tell the truth. Anyway, I don't even remember what started this particular fight, but it got heated and we were yelling about the miscarriage, lashing out at each other, and then Jocelyn said "God doesn't give babies to men who kill their own daddies."

And I don't even believe in God, but still, she was right. I don't deserve a child of my own, not when I killed the man who gave me life.

I don't want you to think that I was the innocent party here. I gave as good as I got. I called her a lying whore and said that - fuck, Chris, I said that the baby probably wasn't even mine and it was a good thing Joss had miscarried so that I wasn't stuck raising some other man's spawn.

How could I have said that? I didn't care if it was my baby or not, I loved that little girl and I wanted her more than I ever wanted anything.

But the truth is, I did kill my father, and I told my wife that it was a good thing our child had died. What kind of a man does that make me? A piss-poor one, by any definition. So, Chris, I don't deserve a child. Hell, I don't deserve any kind of happiness, and I definitely don't deserve the happiness that you've given me.

I won't blame you if you never want to see my face again. And I don't deserve this consideration, but all I'm asking is that you keep this confidential. And if by chance you don't hate me after all of this... don't give me absolution, Chris. I don't deserve it.

Now I'm going to hit send before I lose my nerve completely. If you - if you still want to talk to me after reading this, I'll answer the rest of your two comms later.


Part 13

Tags: fic: trek, pairing: pike/mccoy, series: to talk of many things
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