Beta: The truly amazing hitlikehammers
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Kirk/McCoy
Warnings: Very AU. And very, very cracky.
Word Count: 2012 according to MS Word
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anything whatsoever is purely coincidental.
A/N: THAT'S RIGHT. I WENT THERE, BBS. FTW or OMGWTFBBQ? YOU DECIDE. (Part of the upcoming tidal wave of fics written for jim_and_bones for this week's round of the ship wars.)
Bones didn't crack an eyelid. "Cut that out, Jim, it's creepy."
There was silence, but he waited it out, warm and comfortable in his bed. Eventually there was a resigned huff. "How do you do that, Bones?"
Now he allowed himself to open his eyes, and took in the sight of Jim, looking pathetic, watching McCoy from the corner of his quarters.
"You're not as stealthy as you think you are." Okay, so maybe he had some weird sixth sense that let him know whenever Jim was near, but he wasn't about to admit it out loud. "I don't know how you managed to avoid detection for all those centuries you've been around. At least out here in space you don't sparkle. It looks ridiculous."
Jim pouted. "Lots of people think it's very sexy. Besides, I didn't sparkle at the Academy, now did I?"
McCoy snorted. "Yeah, and how many crap-tons of concealer did you go through? And whenever you got wet your makeup would streak and then - "
"Anyway," Jim cut him off with a wave of his hand. "Ancient history. I want to talk about us. I know you're pissed, Bones - "
Now it was Bones' turn to cut off Jim. "What are we, fourteen-year-old girls? We're not talking about our feelings. You screwed up, and I'll stay good and mad for as long as I want to."
Jim heaved a long-suffering sigh, and how did an undead creature of the night manage to sound so martyred?
"Bones, Bones, Bones. You know you're the one. The only one I've met in all my centuries of lonely existence who makes me feel alive - "
Oh, fantastic, the kid was working himself up into soliloquy mode again. Once he got rolling, there'd be no stopping him. Again, Bones cut him off. "Yeah, I'll bet you say that to all the boys. How many times you used that line during your 'centuries of lonely existence,' Jim?"
Jim flushed - though how a vampire could physically flush without a circulating blood supply was beyond him - and looked away.
"That's what I thought. What the hell are you doing here, anyway? Aren't you on duty?"
Now the kid was full-out sulking. And yes, he knew that Jim was hundreds of years older than he was, but if he acted like a goddamn kid then Bones was going to think of him as one.
"Yeah, but it's Gamma, and there's nothing exciting going on."
"Who's got the conn?"
"Jesus, Jim, you don't even know who's flying this goddamn tin can?"
"No, no, it's right on the tip of my tongue. Lieutenant, ah..." Jim swayed dangerously. McCoy was on his feet in an instant, moving nearly as fast as Jim could (well, okay, maybe not, but it sure felt like it) and supporting him with an arm around his back. Now that he was closer, he could see the dark bruises underneath Jim's impossibly beautiful blue eyes. Jim really was an Adonis, with a strong jaw line, full lips, skin like marble, and... oh hell no. McCoy steeled himself against the pheromone cloud Jim was exuding, and focused on the problem at hand.
"When's the last time you fed, you moron?"
Jim flapped his hand feebly, his head lolling onto McCoy's chest. "Week, maybe two?"
"Of all the idiotic, stupid stunts..." McCoy grumbled as he supported Jim over to his bed, got his boots off and pushed him down flat. Then he lay down next to Jim.
"All right, you brat. You're feeding, and that's all we're doing. You're still on my shit list."
"Okay, Bones," he said, suspiciously agreeable.
McCoy scowled at Jim, but his innocent, I'm-too-weak-to-possibly-be-horny look didn't change. He wasn't fooling McCoy, though. With Jim, horniness was a universal constant.
He tilted his chin up, baring his neck. Despite himself, he felt a little thrill. He got a charge out of being the one to do this for Jim, being the one to sustain Jim's life. Unlife. Whatever. He still maintained that it was unsanitary, though - god knew what kind of nasty crap was lurking on Jim's sharp teeth. The kid didn't even floss half the time. Not that he ate much - well, not food anyway - but with his oral fixation he was constantly shoving things into his mouth and sucking on them, which was goddamn distracting.
The piercing pain of Jim's teeth sinking into his neck pulled him from his thoughts. Son of a bitch, that hurt. Forget the myths - this wasn't sexy at all. It was like - well, it was like being bitten, and then having your blood sucked out through a straw. Luckily, Jim was a fast eater.
"Lieutenant Cho!" Jim exclaimed as he was lifting his head from McCoy's neck.
"Tell me you did not just call someone else's name while you were feeding on me."
"No, I mean, that's who has the conn right now."
Bones rolled his eyes. "That's just what I wanted to hear at this exact moment, thanks."
"You were the one who asked!"
"That was before we started... oh, never mind. Why in god's name didn't you drink the vac-packs of cow's blood that you have stashed in your quarters before you got to this stage?"
Jim leered in what he probably thought was an appealing manner, and, hell, it was more appealing than it had any right to be. "Because they don't taste as good as you do."
"You just compared me to a cow. A cow, Jim."
"But I compared you favorably!"
"Be still my beating heart."
"You know that nobody has ever tasted as good to me as you do. I'm all yours, and you're all mine. Aren't you all mine, Bones?" Jim gazed intently into his eyes.
"Jim, stop trying to read my mind. It hasn't worked the last, oh, hundred or so times you've tried it, and it isn't going to work now."
Jim looked frustrated. "I don't understand it. It works on everyone else, why not you?"
"I'm just that special. I'm the only person ever born who has an immunity to James T. Kirk. Imagine my delight."
"But you do belong to me, don't you, Bones?" Now the kid was pulling out the vulnerable puppy-eyed look, and it would have taken a stronger man than Leonard McCoy to resist that. Maybe he wasn't as immune as he'd claimed.
"Possessiveness isn't a very attractive quality in a partner, Jim," he hedged.
"You called me your partner! So you do belong to me, right? And I belong to you, too." He blinked long, sooty lashes at McCoy.
"Fine, fine. We belong to each other. You still have to apologize to Spock."
"But Bones, he's totally into you. He's been sniffing around sickbay for weeks."
"'Sniffing around,' Jim? That's a low blow, even for you. He can't help it that he's a were-sehlat. And he comes to sickbay because I'm his doctor, dammit, not his boyfriend. I'm one of the few people on this rickety piece of space junk who knows what he really is."
Jim gasped at the insult to his beloved ship. "He didn't mean that, baby. You're beautiful and perfect and we love you," he said to the air.
"Get a grip, Jim. The ship isn't sentient. It can't hear you."
"Are you sure about that? I could swear Chekov's been getting the best replicator food and the fastest turbolift response. I think she has a crush on him."
"Jim, the ship is an 'it,' not a 'she,' and... oh, forget it." They'd had this argument before, and McCoy was too tired for it. It was the middle of the damned night and he'd just had a good portion of his blood sucked out of him.
Jim smirked at his capitulation, then frowned as he realized that winning an argument with McCoy so easily ought to be cause for concern.
"Are you okay? I didn't take too much, did I? I'd never forgive myself if I hurt you, Bones."
"Don't be such a drama queen. I'm fine. I just need some sleep. I'll use the plasma regenerator in the morning."
"Well, in that case, since you're feeling fine..." Jim pressed his erection into McCoy's hip.
"Nuh-uh, Jim. None of that. Not until you apologize to Spock."
"Since when do you defend Spock? I thought you couldn't stand him." Great, now the jealousy was back.
"Jim, I think he's a walking calculator. My feelings aren't the issue here. You're supposed to be his friend, and you're his superior officer, and you punched him, in front of everyone on the bridge, and accused him of trying to 'use his wiles' on me. You're lucky he only nerve-pinched you - I thought he was going to involuntarily transform right there and then."
Jim waved this off. "Nah, if he didn't transform when I insulted his mother's memory, I don't think anything could do it. And you're right, your feelings aren't the issue here. His are. He's into you, Bones. I may not be able to read your mind but I can sure read his. Vulcan shielding, pfft. And I still don't see why you're upset about my fighting with Spock."
"Jim, as far as I'm concerned, I don't care if you two fight forever. But, as much as it pains me to admit this, the ship runs better when you two are getting along. So man up and apologize."
"Bones, you're not listening to me. Spock. He wants you. He lusts after you. He can't stop thinking about you, and I can hear it whenever we're on the bridge and I don't like it."
Bones sighed. Insecure, irrationally jealous, psychic, and blood-sucking had not been at the top of his list of traits for a potential life partner after his messy divorce. It was a good thing Jim had other redeeming qualities. Those lips of his alone could... damn it. Goddamned pheromones.
"Jim. I'm gonna say this once, so listen close. I love you, you idiot. You, and only you. I have no interest in Spock. None, nada, zip. I don't care if he wants me; I don't want him. I only want you, and I want you forever."
Jim's troubled expression cleared and his striking sapphire eyes practically glowed, and goddamnit, Bones did not just think of Jim's eyes as gemstones.
"You do love me! I knew it!"
Bones' eyes rolled so hard he was afraid they were going to fall right out of his head. "Yeah, you knew it all along, kid. That's why you've been acting so jealous and insecure."
Jim ignored this in favor of pressing his lithe body once again into McCoy's. "So, now that we've figured that out, can we fuck?"
"NO, Jim. Now get out of here and let me sleep."
Jim grumbled, but he got out of bed and put his boots back on.
"And Jim - walk, don't do your super-speed thing. My mood will not improve if I have to treat another crewmember for injuries sustained because you plowed into them. The 'unexpected gust of wind' excuse is wearing thin, especially since we're on a goddamned starship."
"But if I walk, anyone could see me coming out of your quarters. In the middle of the night."
"So what if they do?" he asked in return, raising an eyebrow.
The grin that lit up Jim's face was annoyingly contagious, and at McCoy's reluctant return smile, the scent of Jim's pheromones increased sharply.
Bones lobbed a pillow at him. "GO. Finish your shift, tell Spock you're sorry, and then get your ass back here. I'm not on until Beta shift."
Jim was off like a shot. In his excitement, he forgot to walk, instead zipping out in a blur, and Bones couldn't even bring himself to mind. Once Jim got back, they'd have hours and hours for Jim to apologize for how ridiculous he'd been. Sometimes Jim's vampire traits - like his incredible stamina - came in handy. Even if he did sparkle.