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08 February 2010 @ 05:00 pm
trek fic: Communication  
Title: Communication
Author: skyblue_reverie
Beta: ennui_blue_lite
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Kirk/McCoy
Rating: NC-17
Summary: After every close call, it happens. Angsty, with a dash of hope.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1006 according to MS Word
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anything whatsoever is purely coincidental.
A/N: Yet ANOTHER fic written for jim_and_bones for the ship wars at st_respect. Yes, we're recruiting again. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO JOIN. *swings pocketwatch in front of all your eyes*




It was always like this between them, every single time. So much communicated, and so little said.

After each one of Jim's close calls on an away mission, or the latest standoff with the Klingons, or a near-disaster with a piece of equipment that was supposed to be completely safe, it happened. It happened because Jim was still riding the bleeding edge of his adrenaline high and needed more sensation so he'd really feel alive, and Bones was so fucking scared that he'd lost him this time that he wanted to cling to Jim, swim in his veins and feel for himself the lifeblood that was the sole tenuous thread tethering Jim to this world.

There were no words to express how they felt, and neither wanted to think about this thing between them for long enough to put it into words anyway. They both knew it was there, and maybe it was better if it just stayed unacknowledged, roiling beneath the surface of every look and touch.

It had happened in Bones' office in sickbay, in the shuttle Galileo, hell, it had happened while they were still down planetside and had only just escaped from whatever was trying to kill them that day. But tonight, and most often, it happened in Jim's quarters.

They maintained propriety - just barely - walking down the hall shoulder to shoulder, with Bones keeping a hand unobtrusively under Jim's elbow in case he stumbled because he really shouldn't be walking yet but Jim was stubborn like that, and hell, Bones'd be a bit of a hypocrite if he wouldn't let Jim walk since he was planning to fuck the everliving shit out of him as soon as they got to Jim's quarters, and sex - at least the way they did it - was a lot more strenuous than walking down a corridor.

As soon as the door slid closed behind them, Bones turned Jim around, pressed him up against it, and kissed him desperately. He kissed all his fear, all his pain and anger and frantic need for Jim to be safe goddammit into Jim's hot, eager mouth. Jim took it all, greedy, and gave back his fierce joy and his fear and his need to do this, to always chase destruction and just barely survive, only maybe one of these times he wouldn't survive, and it didn't matter because while he was doing it he felt.

There were ugly, animal grunts as clothing was torn off on their way to the bed. There was no foreplay - foreplay was for people who had time to waste and they needed this now. And so with the bare minimum of preparation that Bones would allow - Jim would've preferred none at all - Bones was looming over Jim, pushing his legs apart and driving in hard and brutal and Jim was letting out a warbling cry that only spurred Bones on and then Jesus Christ Bones was buried to the hilt and yes, god, this was what they needed.

Bones fucked him mercilessly, with his hands on Jim's wrists, pinning him to the bed, and Jim's legs wrapped around his hips, Jim lifting to meet every thrust and digging his heels in to urge Bones deeper. It hurt like a son of a bitch, the way Bones' barely-lubed cock slammed into Jim's tight channel, but that just made it better - Bones riding out his anger at Jim's recklessness and Jim taking it as his penance for this time and all the times in the past and all the times that they both knew were to come.

There were no words, and no kisses, but that didn't mean mouths weren't involved. Bones nipped at Jim's earlobe, his lips, his neck, teeth sinking into flesh just this side of hard enough to mark. Bones' eyes were challenging, daring Jim to say anything to stop him. Jim never did, though, and he let his own eyes show everything that he wouldn't say.

His eyes said I'm sorry, and Bones' said Fuck that, stop doing this to me, don't you know I love you, you idiot? And Jim's said Yeah, I know, and I love you too, but it's not enough, and it's just who I am and I'm sorry, sorry, sorry. Bones' said Will it ever be enough? Will I ever be enough? And Jim's said I don't know and after that there was really nothing more to be said and so with one last deep, hard stroke to punish them both they came with a scream and a sob, and neither of them knew which had made which sound.

They squeezed their eyes shut as they rode out their climax, because it was too damn painful to look at each other and know that they weren't really one flesh and one soul, and never would be. It was too painful for Bones to see in Jim the fanatical lust for the next novel experience, the next impossible feat, and to know that Jim's desire for Bones could never compare with that. It was too painful for Jim to see in Bones the scars and shadows that he himself etched into Bones' spirit with every reckless thing he did, and to admit that he was going down, sooner rather than later, and that he was going to bring Bones down with him.

In the aftermath, there was silence punctuated by the sound of heavy breathing. Bones rolled onto his back, not touching Jim now that it was over. He'd get up in a minute, get dressed and walk out of the room without a backward glance, because they hadn't talked at all but they'd both said everything there was to say.

Only Jim was turning to him and opening his mouth, croaking out, hoarse and dry, "Bones, d'you think you could stay?"

And his heart was hammering because this wasn't in the script, dammit, but he forced air through his own lips and said "Yeah, Jim. Yeah, I could do that."

 
 
How do I feel?: calmcalm
 
 
 
drinking rum and writing some: kirk bones hypospray tough lovetherumjournals on February 9th, 2010 03:18 am (UTC)
yay, hotness and hope! the best combo. why is angst so freaking fun to write? sheesh. i'm working on some of the angstiest fics right now, it's very emotionally draining.

also, i loved this whole sentence:
"Bones'd be a bit of a hypocrite if he wouldn't let Jim walk since he was planning to fuck the everliving shit out of him as soon as they got to Jim's quarters, and sex - at least the way they did it - was a lot more strenuous than walking down a corridor."
Sky: [star trek aos] kirk/mccoy b&wskyblue_reverie on February 9th, 2010 04:26 am (UTC)
Yay, I'm so glad you liked, bb! Angst - definitely it's emotionally draining, but also somehow emotionally satisfying? Torturing the characters we love to channel our own negative emotions, or at least that's how I look at it. But I'm such a happy-ending girl that I can't do unresolved angst. It would just kill me!

Hahaha, I'm glad you liked that sentence. I was kinda proud of it myself. :DDDDDD
(no subject) - therumjournals on February 9th, 2010 04:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
ennui_blue_lite: Random - a million more storiesennui_blue_lite on February 10th, 2010 04:25 am (UTC)
Total adoration.

This fic is gorgeous, babe. Your poetic prose just gets more achingly beautiful with every fic, and I cannot wait to see where this style takes you in the future. You express so much of what’s going on in this act, the desperate animalistic need of it, and how they have to make it like this, as fast and fierce and complete as possible, because any day, it might just not be there. Jim might just not be there, and the fact that he can only really live each day by knowing that he might die is the true tragedy in this fic.

And yet, you managed to take this sex, which is heartbreaking and painful, and dying, and write it so that it’s hotter than the sun. That right there, that takes talent.

Bones riding out his anger at Jim's recklessness and Jim taking it as his penance for this time and all the times in the past and all the times that they both knew were to come. I’m not sure if this is my favorite part, or if it’s the wordless dialogue before their climax, but I love both for similar reasons. I’m not sure if I can put this properly – it’s like sex that isn’t. Obviously, ultimately, it’s sex, but really, it’s punishment, it’s apologies, it’s self loathing and masochism. It’s two people reaching for pain, one physical, one emotional, and they get it. And in the end, it’s unsatisfying.

But then, we get a little moment of hope, because maybe after all that punishment, they’re going to try comfort for a change.

So, maybe this post is total bollocks – it has nothing to do with what we talked about while you were writing it. I just reread the fic and threw down all of my thoughts on it. So, hope I got most of it right. :)

Love this, love you. You are my amazing muse. *hugs*


Edited at 2010-02-10 04:26 am (UTC)
Sky: [custom] if i had threeskyblue_reverie on February 10th, 2010 04:49 pm (UTC)
Aww, honey. Thank you so much. And this post is NOT total bollocks. You get it perfectly, and you get me, and articulate it so well, as always.

I love you so much, angel. *hugs x 10 million*
Weeping Naiad: ST: Jones - How Can I?weepingnaiad on February 10th, 2010 06:39 am (UTC)
This is gorgeous and achy and hurty and so beautiful because they aren't saying what needs to be said and are taking their pain out on each other instead of dealing with it.

So, so glad that Jim finally took that step and changed their script up.

Really, really lovely!
Sky: [star trek aos] kirk/mccoy b&wskyblue_reverie on February 10th, 2010 04:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much, bb. I'm so glad that you enjoyed - and despite the pain they've put each other through, I really do believe that they'll work it out together and get to the happy ending they so deserve. :)

Also, I love your icon. Is that a quote from something?
(no subject) - weepingnaiad on February 10th, 2010 06:50 pm (UTC) (Expand)
saavikam77: Kirk/McCoy 2saavikam77 on February 11th, 2010 04:04 pm (UTC)
Oh gods, THIS!! The desperation and fear and relief and anguish in this was so palpable, so heart-wrenching.

I love so much that they changed the script at the end there. Gah!

*applauds wildly*
Sky: [star trek aos] kirk/mccoy b&wskyblue_reverie on February 11th, 2010 04:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm so glad the emotions came across. :)
sunlight on your path: Star Trek: MOAR BONES PLZthistlerose on February 11th, 2010 04:14 pm (UTC)
This is gorgeous. Achy, sad, and beautifully written. I love the hopeful, slightly uncertain note with which you ended this.
Sky: [star trek aos] bones healerskyblue_reverie on February 11th, 2010 04:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, hon. When I was writing this, it got way angstier than I originally intended, so I had to put in some kind of hopeful note at the end! :)
rubynye: Honor (I lost the attribution)rubynye on February 11th, 2010 07:31 pm (UTC)
That was rough and gorgeous and just as it should be. I love the way you ended it, deviating off the script.
Sky: [star trek aos] jim bloody w saltshakerskyblue_reverie on February 11th, 2010 07:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, hon. I'm glad it felt "right" to you. And I'm glad Jim spoke up at the end too! :)
goldenfish_jzgoldenfish_jz on February 11th, 2010 07:50 pm (UTC)
Oh, dear goodness!
This was so fantastic, so deep and you caught their essence beautifully.
Really loved it!
This cute hopefl ending was the cherry on it's top ^^
Sky: [star trek tos] bones cheezburgerskyblue_reverie on February 11th, 2010 09:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! Catching the essence of the characters is always my ultimate ambition, so I'm so thrilled that I did that for you! :DDD
Jimmy John: Kirk/Bonescoldmero on February 11th, 2010 09:34 pm (UTC)
So perfect for them. Reading it, I felt that little hitch of Bones not ever being quite enough for Jim, and it's just too sad, and I love including thoughts/worries like that in a fic.

Jim asking him to stay made a nice, sweet ending for it.

Loved it.
Sky: [star trek aos] kirk/mccoy b&wskyblue_reverie on February 11th, 2010 10:01 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much! I didn't expect this one to be quite so angsty when I started writing, so I'm not sure how it happened. Still, I think McCoy is pretty insecure about his place in Jim's life, and in my mind, Jim starts out not really able to give McCoy the reassurance he needs. But they'll get there eventually!

Gorgeous icon, btw. Those are two FINE men.
(no subject) - coldmero on February 11th, 2010 10:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
misfitdauphinemisfitdauphine on February 11th, 2010 09:44 pm (UTC)
Hot and sad and hopeful all at the same time. I loved it!
Sky: [star trek aos] jim & bones hyposkyblue_reverie on February 11th, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm glad the combo of emotions worked for you. :)
vala3: Kirk-McCoyvala3 on February 11th, 2010 09:52 pm (UTC)
That was some hot desperation sex! But loved the tentative hope for something more at the end.
Sky: [star trek aos] jim bloody w saltshakerskyblue_reverie on February 11th, 2010 10:04 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I find it really hard to do unrelieved angst, so I'm so glad the hopeful ending worked well. :)
wemblee: my fandom has been co-opted by a corporawemblee on February 12th, 2010 05:56 am (UTC)
I love this snapshot of their relationship, in all its dysfunctional glory. As I said on chat, it feels very... vivid, you get the idea and the mood and their conflict out very clearly. Also, your prose style is wonderful, as usual. I love this:

There were ugly, animal grunts as clothing was torn off on their way to the bed. There was no foreplay - foreplay was for people who had time to waste and they needed this now. And so with the bare minimum of preparation that Bones would allow - Jim would've preferred none at all - Bones was looming over Jim, pushing his legs apart and driving in hard and brutal and Jim was letting out a warbling cry that only spurred Bones on and then Jesus Christ Bones was buried to the hilt and yes, god, this was what they needed.

I think it's the "warbling" that I liked the best. It's such a good word. It's like, all of a sudden, with that word, I could really picture Star Trek: The Big Gay HBO Version. I'm probably making no sense. I'm sleep-deprived.

He'd get up in a minute, get dressed and walk out of the room without a backward glance, because they hadn't talked at all but they'd both said everything there was to say.

Nice. So sad. So succinct.

Only Jim was turning to him and opening his mouth, croaking out, hoarse and dry, "Bones, d'you think you could stay?"

AWWWWWWWWWW.

Yeah, Jim. Yeah, I could do that."

I was not expecting a happy ending! But it works for me! I think because it's so understated. And because Jim's voice was hoarse and croaking. You can't deny that voice!

Really well-done, dude. <33333
Sky: [star trek aos] jim determinedskyblue_reverie on February 13th, 2010 02:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for detailed, lovely fb, sleep-deprived or not. :) And I totally want to see Star Trek: The Big Gay HBO Version. They should get on that right away.

Thanks for saying you enjoyed the prose style - I still struggle with that a lot, finding a consistent voice. I'm still not there, but I'm starting to loosen up a bit, to feel more free to experiment.

I'm glad the happy ending works. Yeah, it's not like sunshine and rainbows and puppies, but it's getting there, because I can't keep these boys apart. Their love will not be denied, bb!

Thanks again, hon. ♥
pslasherpslasher on February 13th, 2010 09:23 pm (UTC)
I read this while I was looking through the main comm deciding if I wanted to join, and it just broke my little heart! I love it to bits, and I love the fact that he stays to bits.
Sky: [star trek aos] jim & bones hyposkyblue_reverie on February 13th, 2010 11:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, bb! Welcome to team jones, we're thrilled to have you. I couldn't bear to not bring them together in the end. I just love them too much and I'm too much of a romantic not to give 'em a happy ending. :)
(no subject) - pslasher on February 14th, 2010 04:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
linelenagainlinelenagain on February 15th, 2010 02:00 am (UTC)
Oh, this broke my heart a little. Thank god for the last two lines - they'll figure it out, won't they?

(The sappiest part of me hopes that this new facet of their relationship - Bones staying - will help Jim realize that it *is* enough. Or that it will become enough.)

Oh boys...
Sky: [star trek aos] jim & bones ponderingskyblue_reverie on February 15th, 2010 03:12 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks so much for the love, bb. Yes, I swear, they will figure it out. And I am right there with you on the sappiness, and since it's MY story, I say that Jim will realize that it is enough, and that it always has been, he was just too blind to realize it. And then they will get married and have lots of hot sex forever and ever the end. :D
(no subject) - linelenagain on February 15th, 2010 03:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
crackemodcrackemod on February 16th, 2010 01:54 am (UTC)
Hi, you've been recced here, in today's edition of crackenterprise.
Sky: [star trek aos] jim omgskyblue_reverie on February 16th, 2010 03:23 am (UTC)
Wow, thanks!
BrightEyes: ST: Bones is pensivebrighteyed_jill on February 17th, 2010 03:11 am (UTC)
This is delightful. Spot-on characterization plus delightful angst.

And humor mixed in! Bones'd be a bit of a hypocrite if he wouldn't let Jim walk since he was planning to fuck the everliving shit out of him as soon as they got to Jim's quarters. Heh, yeah.

The way you manage to play out this conflict without words is perfect: Bones riding out his anger at Jim's recklessness and Jim taking it as his penance for this time and all the times in the past and all the times that they both knew were to come.

And of course the resolution was just what I wanted. Thank you for writing this!



Sky: [star trek aos] chris pine sepiaskyblue_reverie on February 17th, 2010 04:25 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for your lovely comment! I'm very glad you enjoyed.

I'm happy you picked out the line of humor - it's kind of grim humor, but I'm glad that it at least lightened the mood for a moment. :)

This one got way angstier than I originally intended when I started writing, and I'm glad I was able to have a happier resolution that (hopefully) didn't seem too tacked on. I'm such a happily ever after person. :)