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27 January 2010 @ 03:14 pm
trek fic: Second Thoughts  
Title: Second Thoughts
Author: skyblue_reverie
Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Kirk/McCoy
Rating: PG-13, for bad words
Summary: An Academy-era snippet wherein Jim is sulky and jealous manfully brooding.
Spoilers: None
Warnings: None
Word Count: 999
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anything whatsoever is purely coincidental.
A/N: Alpha-read by wemblee. Beta-read by lindmere. Thanks so much to both of you, bbs. Written for the prompt "Ain't No Sunshine When [S]he's Gone" over at the star trek ship wars.

Jim growled and threw down his PADD, giving up even the pretense of reading. The song he'd been playing on repeat for the last two hours looped and started up again, soulful and sad. Jesus Christ, where was Bones?

It was 0200 hours - two in the fucking morning, for god's sake - and Bones hadn't come back to their dorm room yet. At this point, he really shouldn't expect him back, and didn't that thought just suck all the sunshine out of the room. Never mind that it was the middle of the night and so technically there wasn't any sunshine anyway. If he wanted to use melodramatic metaphors in his own mind, he was damn well going to.

It wasn't like he had any room to complain. Whatever they were to each other - more than friends, less than spouses, although with the amount of nagging Bones did it sometimes felt like they were married - exclusivity wasn't part of the deal. That had been Jim's rule. Bones didn't like it, Jim knew he didn't, but he'd just raised an eyebrow and said that if Jim got to sleep around, then it was only fair that he be able to as well. Jim couldn't really deny the justice of that, so he'd agreed.

But now, at 0213, he was starting to question whether it was really what he wanted. Maybe it was time to change the deal. Then he pictured the incredibly hot redheaded Orion cadet - he thought her name started with a B, or maybe a G - who'd been flirting with him in their astronavigation class, and his resolution faltered. He really wanted to hit that. Then he imagined Bones with that same gorgeous Orion girl, and his stomach churned. Jesus, what was wrong with him? He'd never been this conflicted over sex. It was just two - or more - beings seeking a bit of harmless physical release, right? Hmm, maybe a threesome with him and Bones and the Orion girl? No, there was the sick feeling again that he got whenever he thought about Bones with anyone but him.

While Jim was trying to deal with this tangle of uncomfortable thoughts, the door shushed open and Bones walked in, looking exhausted, his uniform rumpled and his hair mussed. Jim's mind immediately spun through a thousand possible explanations, and he liked each one less than the last. Where the fuck had Bones been?

"Where have you been?" He was trying for casual, unconcerned, maybe a touch curious, but the words sounded petulant and accusatory, even to his own ears.

Bones scowled. Shit, that really shouldn't have been so sexy. "What the hell are you listening to, Jim? Some guy repeating 'I know I know I know I know'? That's what passes for music in your world?"

Jim flushed and hastily hit the "stop" button on his player.

"Shut up, it's a classic. So anyway, who were you with? That leggy brunette who was checking you out in the mess hall yesterday? Way to go, man!"

Bones looked at him with eyes that saw far too much, then shook his head. "Jim, I was in the library, alone. Studying. You know, that thing that some of us non-genius types have to do in order to pass our classes?"

"Oh." Shit, he'd been angsting like a stupid teenager for nothing.

"Yeah, 'oh'." Bones cocked an eyebrow. "Something you want to talk about, Jim?"

"No, why would there be?" Jim asked innocently, but he could see the frustrated disappointment on Bones' face. And Bones wondered why he always got his ass kicked at poker.

"I can't think of a single reason. Good night." Bones trudged off toward the shower.


Bones froze, his rigid back somehow conveying both vulnerability and hope. How could a back be so expressive? Problem was, Jim had no idea what to say. Well, he'd wing it.

"I heard Uhura and her roommate - you know, that hot Orion, I think her name's Baila? - talking about getting drinks tomorrow at Riptide. Wanna come with me? You can distract Uhura while I get to know Baila." Oh, Christ, that was lame. What the fuck was wrong with him? But then, he really wanted to have sex with the Orion girl. Was that such a crime? He was young, he had wild oats to sow. So sue him.

Then Bones' shoulders slumped, and he felt like an asshole.

"Kid, I'm too tired for this shit. I'll think about it tomorrow." Somehow, Jim knew that Bones wasn't talking about going to the bar with him. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. He couldn't lose Bones, couldn't.

He opened his mouth to improvise something else, but Bones was already gone, the bathroom door closing firmly behind him and the lock engaging before Jim heard the hum of the sonics starting up. Not an invitation to join him, then. Too bad - Jim was pretty good at cajoling Bones out of a funk with mind-blowing sex.

The thing was, Bones loved him. Jim couldn't fathom why, but he could see it in his eyes whenever Bones looked at him, could feel it in the gentleness of his fingertips whenever they touched. But that love wouldn't last forever, not without more than what Jim was offering. He knew he had a window with Bones, and it was closing. Hell, he himself was forcing it shut every time he had meaningless - albeit fun - sex with anyone else. Even if their friendship did survive the end of this... whatever it was, it would never be the same again. And he would've lost the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Moment of truth time, then. And really, it wasn't such a hard choice after all. He wanted Bones, needed him like he needed air. He'd just tell him, and then they'd live happily ever after or some shit. It was settled. He nodded firmly.

...Well, maybe he'd fuck Baila first.

How do I feel?: crappycrappy
wemblee: Kirk in dragwemblee on January 27th, 2010 11:24 pm (UTC)
LOL, "manfully brooding." :DDD

If he wanted to use melodramatic metaphors in his own mind, he was damn well going to.

I love it. Also, I get the feeling that Bones' amusing cranky stylings have kind of seeped into Jim now that they've been doin' it spending more time together.

I like Jim's conflict -- not wanting to lose Bones, feeling hypocritically jealous when Bones is with anyone else but still wanting to sleep around himself, wanting to sow his oats, knowing it's hurting Bones... I also like how he keeps trying to have a real conversation with Bones, but gets too scared and keeps saying things that make everything worse, instead. It felt very real. I know I've had conversations like that. Except not about making someone my wingman while I hit on a green girl. My life would be so much more interesting if that were true.

...Well, maybe he'd fuck Baila first.

Ouch. I love that. It's such a gut-punch, and it's unexpected, and the fact that he can't even get Gaila's name right... so good. Good job, dude. <3
Sky: [star trek aos] jim bloody w saltshakerskyblue_reverie on January 28th, 2010 01:11 am (UTC)
I get the feeling that Bones' amusing cranky stylings have kind of seeped into Jim now that they've been doin' it spending more time together.

You know, the very first draft of this fic had a paragraph where Jim was musing on how his inner voice had started to sound like Bones. I don't remember if you saw that version, but obviously some of that seeped into the final fic. Hee. :D

Thank you so much for your comments, and for your encouragement beforehand. I'm so glad that the last line hit you like that, 'cause that's exactly how I intended it. I wasn't sure it worked, so it's very happy-making that it did!

Thanks, bb. <3
Kay: Kirk - :3lackadaisy on January 27th, 2010 11:24 pm (UTC)
Awwww Jim, way to be a douche.
Sky: [star trek aos] barechested dammit jimskyblue_reverie on January 28th, 2010 01:13 am (UTC)
I know. Poor Bones. :( Jim kinda is a douche, especially early on, I think.
Kay: Sulu - >:{lackadaisy on January 27th, 2010 11:24 pm (UTC)
Sky: [star trek aos] bones damaged calmskyblue_reverie on January 28th, 2010 01:15 am (UTC)
Heee! Yes, but don't worry, he will catch a clue eventually, even if Bones has to beat it into his thick skull. :D
Kay: Chekov - :)lackadaisy on January 27th, 2010 11:25 pm (UTC)
Though bb, I am quite pleased you managed to make it very realistic. I appreciate this characterization of Jim. Where he's angsting, but you don't feel too bad for him cuz it's his own fault. I approve wholeheartedly.
Sky: [star trek aos] bones worried profileskyblue_reverie on January 28th, 2010 01:17 am (UTC)
Why thank you so much. :D I'm so glad it felt realistic - that's exactly what I was going for. Normally I'm all about the sappy romantic love and I DON'T CARE whether it's realistic or not, but I dunno, I kind of wanted to try something different with this prompt. So I'm thrilled that it worked. :)

wemblee: gaiuswhores2 by nicole_anellwemblee on January 27th, 2010 11:25 pm (UTC)
almost forgot
I love this exchange:

Bones scowled. Shit, that really shouldn't have been so sexy. "What the hell are you listening to, Jim? Some guy repeating 'I know I know I know I know'? That's what passes for music in your world?"

Jim flushed and hastily hit the "stop" button on his player.

"Shut up, it's a classic.
Sky: [star trek aos] and always shall beskyblue_reverie on January 28th, 2010 01:23 am (UTC)
Re: almost forgot
THANK YOU! And you helped me make that line SO MUCH BETTER by making me take out the weird epithet-pingy part. I keep having to remind myself that sometimes less is more.

Kay: Gaila - DERPlackadaisy on January 27th, 2010 11:26 pm (UTC)

Sky: [star trek aos] jim bloody w saltshakerskyblue_reverie on January 28th, 2010 01:34 am (UTC)
Woo hoo! Awesome vid, bb. And now I feel like I have something in common with Jim, so thank you for that!


ennui_blue_lite: Hugh/Stephen - HeresLookingAtHugh_bw mzlennui_blue_lite on January 28th, 2010 04:51 pm (UTC)
This fic just screams for a sequel.

As always, I love it to bits. I think one of my favorite things about your writing is that you're not afraid to let us see the ugly side of the characters. For example, when I write Jim, and want to get inside his head, I tend to turn him into a bit of a victim. In reality, however, young Jim is a bit of a douchenozzel, and you don't hesitate to show that a relationship with him would be exasperating at the best of times, and downright painful at the worst.

But then, Jim is, what? 22? 23? and a bit of a young 23 at that. It's not an age that inspires great acts of self sacrifice in people. I know, I was just there. :) So, as much as that last line stings, it's real for Jim.

Actually, I'm kinda thinking of this as an AU to your as of yet unposted academy fic. Everytime we write it, I urge you, "Get them together now! Get them together!" And you say, "No, Jim isn't ready yet! And neither is Bones!" And, I read this, and Jesus, you're right. They aren't. Because Jim would be selfish, and Bones wouldn't have to self worth to do anything but roll over and take it, and I think I need a picture of a kitten now to cheer me up.


But, great characterization of Jim aside, this is just an altogether great fic. Awesome Bones voice, awesome Jim voice, and I love that moment where Jim says, "Wait," and suddenly the whole moment is hanging on what he says next. And he blows it. And then there's this line:

The thing was, Bones loved him. Jim couldn't fathom why...

Well, that sort of sums up the whole problem right there.

*hugs you* I love this fic, and I love you. I don't have any nice cookie cutter cliches about how life is tough and things will be better. To be honest, I don't know what the world will look like tomorrow. But I do know this. That thing you said up there in your fic? About needing someone like air?


Edited at 2010-01-28 04:51 pm (UTC)
Sky: [fry & laurie] i love youskyblue_reverie on January 29th, 2010 01:18 am (UTC)
Oh, honey. *clings to you* Thank you so much for everything you do and are. Your words always mean so much to me. You made me all sniffly, in a good way.

And you always, always get me, and get what I'm trying to do in a piece. I love that about you, honey. Yeah, Jim's immature, and he's selfish, and so as a consequence he's a bit of an asshole. He's not a bad, evil person, just... not ready yet. And caught in self-destructive habits, and lord knows it's easier to stay with a self-destructive habit than to pull yourself out of it and do something differently, even when you KNOW that you'll ultimately be both better off and happier if you were to change your ways. And you feel the situation with your bad habit spinning out of control and you know what you have to do to stop it, and you just. can't. make. yourself. And when I say you, I mean me. :p But those self-destructive habits, and those out-of-control situations also have consequences for other people, usually the people we care most about and least want to hurt. Life sucks sometimes. Okay, an awful lot of the time.

Okay, now I really need that kitten photo too.

Awwwwwww! Cuuuuuuute!

Okay, slightly better now. Yes, this is definitely an AU of my Academy fic, although I hadn't thought of it while I was writing. But yes, I think if they were to get together before they're both ready, they'd rip each other's hearts to shreds, and I couldn't bear that for them. So I'm not going to do a sequel to this one, because this ISN'T the road they took, and I'm gonna concentrate on the other fic, because I WILL give them a happy ending in that one, I swear. Eventually.

Angel, I don't need cookie cutter cliches, and I don't need to know what the world will be like tomorrow. As long as I've got you, I know I can make it.

And that thing about air, that goes for you too.
drinking rum and writing some: kirkbones cry starstherumjournals on January 29th, 2010 04:26 am (UTC)
HA HA HA - BAILA! HA! I don't know why that's so funny, but it is.

Sky: [star trek aos] bones damaged calmskyblue_reverie on January 29th, 2010 04:41 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHA awesome comment bb, thanks. Yes, Jim, open the goddamned window! :D
secretsolitairesecretsolitaire on January 29th, 2010 04:33 am (UTC)
Baila. LOL. Enjoyed this!
Sky: [star trek aos] crewskyblue_reverie on January 29th, 2010 04:41 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
Dala: halfpast_icons - gailathe_dala on January 29th, 2010 04:44 am (UTC)
::giggles:: Loved this one. Baila!
Sky: [star trek aos] jim half smileskyblue_reverie on January 29th, 2010 04:54 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
(Deleted comment)
Sky: [star trek aos] barechested dammit jimskyblue_reverie on February 1st, 2010 07:48 pm (UTC)
THANK YOU BB. Hahahaha, I love the way your mind works. Voyeurism deal FTW!

♥ ♥ ♥
Kittykittywit on February 8th, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
oh, heartbreak, that jim's closing his own window and knows it and still wants to mess around. (baila - snort!)and i love the image of bones tense shoulders having hope. like he's holding his breath, waiting for jim to take that step forward.

nicely done!!
Sky: [star trek aos] bones worried profileskyblue_reverie on February 8th, 2010 06:27 am (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much for your lovely & thoughtful comment! I have to admit that this story is one of my fics that I'm most proud of, and it has gotten just about the least love of any story I've written. So I am always especially extra grateful for fb on this one. :)
linelenagainlinelenagain on February 15th, 2010 03:21 am (UTC)
Oh JIM you big dumb idiot. DON'T MAKE ME SHAKE YOU.

Now, don't get me wrong, this is angsty and heartbreaking and there are little tears in my eyes for Bones, but I'm actually feeling pretty happy, because it's just about the perfect lead-in to the movie. Jim does Gaila, movie stuff happens, Jim gets slapped upside the head with a good solid does of 'OMG BONES IS AWESOME AND I LOVE HIM' because that's what universe-saving does to a person and then it's happily-ever-after-time!!!

You should totally write that. You know you want to revel in the sappiness with me. <3 ;)

PS: "didn't that thought just suck all the sunshine out of the room" - excellent tie-in to the prompt.

Edited at 2010-02-15 03:22 am (UTC)
Sky: [star trek aos] jim & bones hyposkyblue_reverie on February 15th, 2010 05:02 am (UTC)
Awwww, bb, you sought this out and commented even though I gave you the wrong link! You are OSSM, honey. I ♥ you.

You know, I'm glad it left you happy and that's a really good way to look at it. In my very first trek fic, I got Jim and Bones together at the Academy and someone in the comments pointed out that it was kind of an AU because I didn't account for Gaila. And they were totally right, and it got me thinking about that and wondering what the evolution of Jim and Bones' relationship would really be like. And I don't think, while they're at the Academy, that either one of them is ready. I think they need to do some healing (in Bones' case) and maturing (in Jim's). And yeah, the universe saving will go a long way towards that. I actually wrote a fic set as a missing scene between the awards ceremony and the end of the movie where I kind of take that route - the events of the movie are the catalyst to get them together. (and you TOTALLY DO NOT HAVE TO GO COMMENT on that one because you have given me so much love today already, bb.)

And in this one, I have Jim and Bones in a friends-with-benefits kind of deal. And both of those are interesting takes, and were fun to write. But my "personal canon" is actually found in the unfinished fic that so far lives only on my hard drive and in my brain, which is going to be a telling of Jim and Bones' story from the moment they met.

ANYWAY. That was a novel in itself - sorry! The point of all that is that, yes, I'm totally with you on the sappiness and I actually am in the process of writing it, but... unfortunately, it's gonna take a while. Sorry, bb! :p

And thanks for saying about the tie-in! It's been really fun to write for these prompts.
whizkid17 on March 29th, 2010 07:25 pm (UTC)
"What the hell are you listening to, Jim? Some guy repeating 'I know I know I know I know'? That's what passes for music in your world?"

Okay. That scared the fuck outta me because I happened to be listening to the same song on loop and /that/ part was playing when I read that. x.x

But, to the story! Cx It was amazing. Amazingly sad, but brilliant. -sniffs- I really think this deserves a sequel. ;o; But, I do love stories that aren't all "happy endings" occasionally. You wrote Jim's inner conflict really well and nice. Cx Lovely story!
Sky: [star trek aos] jim & bones closeup bacskyblue_reverie on March 30th, 2010 03:26 am (UTC)
Hee hee! I must have psychic powers! Now if only I could use that to win the lotto... ;)

I'm so happy you enjoyed the story, bb. I am always extra happy when this fic gets some love because it's like the redheaded stepchild of my fics - no one comments on it. But I am kind of proud of it, so always happy when anyone stops by and drops fb.

I almost never write any fic that doesn't end happily, so this was a departure for me. And in my mind, it still does end happily eventually - I think once they've been out on the Enterprise for a little while, and Jim's sowed some wild oats and kind of gotten that out of his system, he'll be ready to settle down with Bones. And Bones will be there waiting.

Thanks again for the lovely comment! :D
(no subject) - whizkid17 on March 30th, 2010 04:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on October 14th, 2010 03:06 am (UTC)
THIS was your red-headed fic??? But... But.. (why do i keep wanting to type butt instead of but? *dyslexic faecplam*) But it's beautiful! It's all angst-y and hopeful and heartbreak-y and JIM GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR @$$ and guh! *worships*
Sky: [star trek aos] jim coldskyblue_reverie on October 14th, 2010 07:50 pm (UTC)
Aww, thank you so much! It thrills me to get fb on this fic. I'm not sure why it's the red-headed stepchild - I'm proud of it but it just isn't that popular for some reason. Oh well. I'm very glad that you enjoyed it, and thank you again for the super flattering comment!