Fandom & Pairing: Star Trek Reboot (aka AOS, ST XI, etc.), Kirk/McCoy
Warnings: MOAR BIG PENIS CRACK KTHXBAI.
Word Count: Around 2000. Yep, bbs, like Bones when he sees Jim nekkid, they're getting longer. :p
Summary: Poor Bones. Just... Poor. Bones.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anything whatsoever is purely coincidental.
A/N : As always, thanks and love to ennui_blue_lite for encouragement, giggles, and general awesomeness. Oh, and for some of the funniest lines in this piece. :D
More a series of cracky one-shots than a WiP, but still, it prolly won't make much sense without having read those first. If you don't wanna, here's what you need to know: Bones has a really massively huge peen. Jim wants it. Bones wants Jim. So far, they've both been denied. :)
"Fuck, Bones. And not in the good way."
Bones just hummed distractedly, whacking Jim on the shoulder when he wriggled. Jim was lying shirtless, face-down on the bed, and while normally Bones would be enjoying the view, right now he was concentrating on examining the final series of scratch-tests he'd given Jim to evaluate him for allergies to every muscle relaxant in his arsenal.
Never mind that Jim had been the one to insist that they go through with this cracked scheme - he was of course now whining like a baby. McCoy would never understand how Jim could stoically withstand life-threatening injuries but get near him with a hypo or any other minor medical treatment and he started acting like a particularly irritating five-year-old. Well, a really foul-mouthed five-year-old. He prodded one of the marks on Jim's back.
"Shit, man, that hurts!"
"You want to have sex in this lifetime or not, Jim?"
Jim promptly shut up. McCoy went back to his survey. It looked like there was only one muscle relaxant currently in stock on the ship that didn't cause an allergic reaction in Jim. Naturally. He'd possibly also been sneaking in some scratch tests on various other medications while he was at it, and those results had been equally dismal. He made a mental note to order samples of some of the non-standard drugs that Jim would probably need at some point so he could try those on him, preferably in a controlled, non-emergency setting.
But for now, at least, he had his drug. It had the side effect of causing mild intoxication-like symptoms, lowering of inhibitions and a kind of loopy happiness in addition to the muscle relaxing properties. He'd have to advise Jim of the effects, but somehow he didn't think Jim would object.
Jim, as it turned out, didn't object at all. In fact, when Bones finally gave him a dose of the drug, some two weeks later (Bones refused to attempt this while any of the allergy-inducing meds were still in his system), Jim proclaimed it "awesome."
Jim was on knees and elbows on his bed, naked and wobbling a bit from side to side as his arm and leg muscles were turning jellylike with the effects of the drug. McCoy snorted. Any normal person would've been splayed out flat on the bed, but if Jim wanted to try to prove his manliness, far be it from Bones to stop him.
Bones lubed up his fingers liberally, and slid one between Jim's cheeks, unerringly seeking out his tight little entrance. It puckered at his touch, and he coaxed it open gently, sliding his finger in a little at a time, pulling out between thrusts. Jim pushed back eagerly.
"Yeah, Bones, yeah. Ohhh. Hey, I can barely feel that - gimme more."
"Demanding little brat, aren't you?"
"Okay, fine." Bones added a second finger, then a third. Jim's body was definitely adapting to the intrusion more easily than last time they'd tried this. He winced at the memory.
Once Jim had fully taken three of his fingers, he switched to the dildos on which Jim had been practicing his nascent fellatio skills. He started with blue, working it in while Jim gasped in pleasure, arching his back and greedily pushing back to get more, faster.
Bones was completely hard now, his cock throbbing in anticipation. He sternly told it to wait just a few more minutes, and switched to the red dildo. Jim liked that even more than the blue. Happy little noises were falling from his mouth, interspersed with gasps and moans that went straight to Bones' dick.
Finally Bones had worked his way up to the purple, which still wasn't as big as his cock, but it was the largest they had. Close enough. Now or never. And all those other clichés that meant he was finally going to get to fuck Jim's exquisite little ass.
He applied the lube with a generous hand, lined up, and started to push in. The large blunt tip of his cock nudged Jim's tiny sphincter, gradually stretching and penetrating it and Christ that was good. When the head was in, he gave a tremendous shuddering sigh and paused to check on Jim.
"Y'okay there?" he said, and his voice was more gravelly than he could ever remember it being before.
Jim was shaking and shivering, whimpering and moaning. But he scraped together the wherewithal to say "Yeah, Bones, fuck yeah," and Bones could hear the truth there.
Bones kept one hand on Jim's hip to keep him steady, the other hand on his own cock as he slowly worked his way in, rocking his hips in little thrusts as he pushed himself in a bit more each time. Ohhhhhhh, shit, that was unbelievable. Jim was taking him easily, greedily, his tight little channel almost pulling Bones in. And he was loving it too, judging by the litany of "ohshitohshitohyesyesyesyesBonesohfuckfu
And now, finally, he was balls-deep inside of Jim, with Jim's incredible heat all around him. This. This was what he was made for. Corny, maybe, but true. All his life had been a buildup to this - to being one with Jim, nothing existing but the two of them and the sensations they evoked in each other. Jim was practically sobbing, his breaths gasping audibly in and out of his lungs as he adjusted to the feeling of Bones deep inside of him. Finally, Jim mumbled "Nnnngggg, Bones, stay there f'rever, 'kay?" and Bones' heart clenched. Never mind that it was in the heat of the moment, he'd never imagined he'd hear Jim say the word forever.
In response, he rocked his hips gently, teasingly, drawing a broken moan out of Jim. He opened his mouth to respond with who-knew-what foolishness, promises of eternity and declarations of undying love.
But he never got to speak them, because at that moment, the door to Jim's quarters swooshed open and Spock walked in, striding over to the bed and looking at them, in that goddamned cold-blooded way of his.
A roared "What the hell?!" was Bones' reaction.
Jim looked up, and although Bones couldn't see his face, he could easily imagine the sloppy grin forming there, because he could hear it in Jim's next words. "Oh, hey, Spock! Bones has his gigantic cock up my ass." Good lord.
Spock's eyebrow rose, but he remained otherwise impassive.
"Captain, are you well?"
"Spock, you just walked in on me taking Bones' massive cock up the ass. I think, given the situation, you can call me Jim."
Spock appeared to be deeply pained (which, on him, looked like mild constipation), but patiently repeated, "Jim, are you well?"
Jim sounded positively beatific as he reported, "Fuck, Spock, I've got Bones' enormous dick shoved up my butt. I'm fucking fantastic. Why wouldn't I be?"
"I sensed an alarmingly large discharge of psychic energy coming from your quarters. I recognized your telepathic signature and was concerned that you were perhaps in need of assistance and unable to otherwise communicate. When attempts to hail you failed, I deemed it necessary to use my override code."
At this, Bones broke in. "Well, Spock, as you can see, we're both just fine and dandy, so why don't you just go on back to the bridge where you're supposed to be." He made a little shooing motion with his hand.
Of course, Jim chose this moment to lose control of his limbs, landing flat on his face on the bed. Bones' cock pulled free of Jim's body with an obscene slurrrrrrp and then, loosened from its confinement like a spring suddenly released, it snapped against Bones' abdomen with a smack. Jim whimpered at the loss.
Spock's eyes widened infinitesimally. Apparently he'd thought Jim had been exaggerating about Bones' endowments. Bones gave Spock a smug smirk. Served the bastard right.
Then Spock's eyes narrowed again, and oh lord, it was payback time. Maybe the hobgoblin didn't have emotions, but he sure as shit understood and embraced the concept of revenge.
"Captain, you appear to be under the influence of a mood-altering substance."
Jim raised his head and beamed at Spock. "Yeah, Bonesy gave me a muscle relaxant so he could fit his gigantic schlong in my butthole."
"Ah. You are aware of Starfleet Regulation 362.14 subsection (d), Dr. McCoy?"
Bones rolled his eyes. "Remind me."
"The regulation states that no sexual activity under the influence of mood-altering substances may occur without the prior written consent of the medicated party. I assume you have this written consent available for review."
Bones exploded. "Of course I goddamn well don't have written consent. Good god, man, are you actually accusing me of date raping the captain?"
Jim, damn him to hell, giggled.
"I make no accusations, Doctor. I am merely inquiring whether you have followed the regulation."
By now Bones' cock had completely lost interest in the proceedings, but his blood pressure was through the roof. He opened his mouth to blast Spock a new one, but then Jim saw fit to intervene.
"Bones, relax, man, he's just jerking your chain. Spock, you know damn well that I consented. You saw how I felt about him months ago in that meld we had to do on Arkaria."
Bones' jaw clenched. So the pointy-eared bastard had actually known about Jim's feelings before he had? That was just perfect. He got off the bed, started throwing on his clothes.
Jim immediately started whining. "Hey, Bones, man, where are you going? We weren't done!"
"Yeah, Jim, I think I've had enough for tonight. Not only did that walking computer know how you felt about me before I did, but apparently you two have such a deep psychic link that he can feel it when you have sex."
Jim looked puzzled. "We don't have a link, and that's never happened before. What gives, Spock?"
"I would theorize, Captain, that the muscle relaxant given to you by the doctor had the unforeseen side effect of boosting your psi-abilities, causing you to project your emotions much more powerfully than you usually do."
"Huh," Jim said, sounding intrigued.
"Okay, let me summarize," cut in Bones, before they could get into a discussion about the possible tactical uses of a psi-boosting drug. "The only drug that Jim's not allergic to, that will allow us to have sex, also means that Spock here will be mentally observing us having that sex. Is that about the size of it?"
"And what a size it is," Jim purred, leering at Bones. Bones just rolled his eyes.
Spock shifted slightly. "I can assure you, Doctor, that I find the situation as distasteful as you do."
"Yeah, I'll bet."
"However, now that I know the cause of the telepathic emanation, I can simply strengthen my mental shields when it occurs."
"So we have to trust you not to be a psychic peeping-Tom?"
Jim was standing up from the bed, less than steadily. "Sounds good to me. We trust you, Spock, right Bones?" As he said this, he was physically pushing Spock toward the door. Spock lifted his eyebrows, but allowed himself to be guided to the exit, and then the door was closing behind him, thank the Lord.
Jim hastily flung himself back on the bed. "Okay, he's gone, and he won't listen in, I swear, so can we please finish now? Please?"
Goddammit. He never could resist a begging Jim Kirk. And neither could his newly-reinterested dick, apparently. He efficiently stripped, settled back behind Jim.
He'd just started to push in again - oh fucking hell he'd never get enough of this - when Jim's voice broke through his haze of pleasure.
"Um, Bones? I think the drug's worn off. OW."
God damn it.
Sequel action (sorta)!