peacefulAs some of you know, right around the time that my fic production precipitously dropped off, I started taking anti-depressants. I had always heard that anti-d's can cause a drop in creative output, but I somehow didn't think it would happen to me. Heh. Well, I can now personally vouch for that effect. It's not, I don't think, that it has somehow robbed me of whatever creative talent I had, it's just that the insane urge to write 24 hours a day is gone, because, well, I'm happily busy doing other stuff (plus the hideous insomnia that fuelled many of my writing sprees is gone too). I've gotten back into hobbies I used to love but had abandoned (and even developed new ones, like - ZOMG - football of all things - watching it, not playing, as I haven't gone completely around the bend), been spending oodles of time with friends and family, renting old movies, moving to a much nicer place & decorating it, actually enjoying my job and, y'know, doing it rather than spending every moment at work writing fic or sneaking onto LJ... you get the idea.
I know for some people, it's a terrible choice between their creativity or their happiness. For me, much as I miss writing fic, there is no question. I never, ever want to feel again the way I felt before I started taking the meds. I think I was sort of the proverbial frog in the pot - y'know, where the water gets hotter and hotter so he doesn't notice? My depression had gotten worse and worse over the years but it was so gradual that I didn't even notice until I became practically nonfunctional. Now it's like a fog has lifted (yes, the cliched metaphors continue, deal with it :p) and I am genuinely, truly happy most of the time. It has been a revelation - that life can be this good.
I very much hope that I manage to find some sort of balance - that I can both be a creative, productive writer and LJ-er, and still be happy and medicated. If any of you out there have gone through this transition, I would really love to hear about it, either here in a comment, or if you prefer, a private email to skyblue_reverie at comcast dot net. Or conversely, if any of you want to ask me any questions about my experiences with depression and medication, I'm happy to share.
Anyway, the upshot of all this is that I'm alive, enjoying life for the first time in a while, and that has, hopefully temporarily, put a stop to a lot of my online activities. I haven't completely decided, but I doubt I'll do
yuletide this year. Much as I love it, and I loved doing it last year, I'm just not sure that I have the... I dunno, urge, or oomph, or mojo, or whatever, to complete a story on a deadline, and I'm not at a point where I really want to put that kind of pressure on myself. But then, who knows, maybe I'll change my mind before the deadline (Oct. 18, for those who are interested). I haven't written any stories in months, but I do have some unfinished fics from the period B.P. (Before Prozac) so maybe I'll pull one of those out and give it a look one of these days.I've been an absolutely wretched correspondent lately, so if I owe you an email please don't think I've forgotten about you. I think about all of my LJ friends often, and hope you're doing well, and I promise I will eventually write to you if I owe you an email.
wemblee, keep trying to call me, because I really am around and I'd love to chat, and rivers_bend, call me, babe - we need to get together soonest! Well, I think that's about all from me for now. I've skimmed my f-list going back a month or so but there's no hope I'll catch up on everything I've missed, so please feel free to drop me a line if you ever want to say hi or if there's something on LJ or elsewhere in fandom that I should see.
I miss you guys, and I hope that someday very soon I'm back around here more. I really do think about you all often.
